tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37413432011-06-08T02:12:30.454-04:00there's a little echo calling... Diamondtrim Morgan Shmoove hello lesbiansunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.comBlogger4871100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-52618026590817131402007-09-12T00:04:00.000-04:002007-09-12T00:22:07.116-04:00

this is the 489th post.another late night in a (mostly) dark room listening to music through headphones. this is a recipe for love. i'm almost happy to be writing all this. tonight i went out for a walk with a wonderful friend. we crossed the quad and sat up against reynolda's second floor on a bench and talked for a long time. under the dovetail homecoming flags the chapel thrust up into the

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-64897574824662191502007-09-06T00:05:00.000-04:002007-09-06T00:40:21.811-04:00

i had this song in my head all night while we were bowling and i just now figured out what it was. i'll keep it to myself... on to another lovely album i have a good feeling about. bowling was wonderful as always. it just brings out the best in my, don't know why. there were only four of us this week so we only got one lane, in between a couple black college guys and a cute mid-20's white

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-81862038039576573132007-08-30T23:36:00.000-04:002007-08-31T00:30:37.304-04:00

only you know what you've done.i've been back for a couple days now. desperately pretending i can be forthright. my roommate just signed away his next ten years to the army. i just hope the war is over soon. i think about writing so much all day but now i don't have anything to say. i wish i was drunk. bare walls.not being shy.gin. pretty girls.bowling.i think tomorrow night i'm gonna take a

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-49146215356064091732007-08-22T23:25:00.000-04:002007-08-22T23:52:18.148-04:00

i have that same old sickness. the one i had earlier in the summer. the one where i get this deja-vu feeling but it's so strong and so potent that it's overwhelming. takes me back to a dream some early morning, some frustration of still being in bed and stuck in limbo. the song in my head changes just a little bit, to a more mocking, taunting part. everything in the room gains a personality

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-69314753325149602742007-08-14T00:45:00.001-04:002007-08-14T00:55:10.718-04:00

fuck iti guess i lost

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-61436170541648593282007-08-13T23:10:00.000-04:002007-08-13T23:50:07.300-04:00

hate to say it but not much is going on these days. it's the lame duck weeks of summertime. right when you know school is coming and that there's not time really to get much done. not like i've done terribly much anyway. well, aside from traveling for a week. and yeah, that was big. but if you break it down, i live a boring life at home. this we knew. no reason to talk about it. i'm gonna

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1155977225926783732007-08-06T23:40:00.000-04:002007-08-07T00:27:44.764-04:00

know what's strange? i have a decent amount of confidence in myself in only one thing. i feel like i can communicate with people pretty well. which is to say, adults like me. young people too, for the most part. still, there are times when my heart stops. when my first reaction is to tense up, stop the bleeding, think in the middle of the act. why i can't just relax, i'll never know. when

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-74990236387789270032007-08-02T20:05:00.000-04:002007-08-05T21:56:02.683-04:00

the lighthouse is working again. i stood out here last night on the porch and timed it. for a long while this afternoon and every now and then throughout the week, it's been deathly still, more resembling a photograph than i'd like. even when we visited, we had to shoot our pictures from the outside because it lay dormant. it's alive now, though, silently sweeping across the bay here in st.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-43941839502184063642007-07-25T23:45:00.001-04:002007-07-26T00:27:03.344-04:00

i was just about to start writing when i got caught up researching hammocks. see, i want one to somehow stuff into my dorm room to sleep in. i've read on hammock sites - hammock propaganda sites? - of how wonderful they are to sleep in. much better than beds. no pressure points. so they say. i was out this afternoon for a little over an hour and a half laying and reading and thinking and

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-8333886140356147642007-07-23T23:01:00.000-04:002007-07-24T00:11:32.598-04:00

i think i might just be a humanist. and a reluctant socialist at that. i think if i was planning on being poor, it would be a lot easier to believe what i want to. fact is, there's a lot of things i want to do and have and i'm smart enough and am going to work hard enough to get them. around that time, i'm not going to be looking forward to a socialist equality-for-all philosophy. we'll see.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-71171670433107318332007-07-15T23:27:00.000-04:002007-07-16T00:01:47.025-04:00

i'm hoping for good things to come. i'm hoping i stop being a dyslexic typer. 'goot' isn't a word. 'this' doesn't mean 'shit' and vice versa. what happened to me? i can't write words with a pen and paper either. handwriting suffering. words run together. misspelling dumb things because i write the wrong letters, not because i can't spell it. i think i'm degenerating.two weeks till bermuda

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-27609994400972191162007-07-12T23:19:00.000-04:002007-07-12T23:38:49.845-04:00

terrific news today but i'm not gonna talk about it. what makes sense? i was riding in the backseat of my sister's car this evening on the way to cold stone for celebratory icecream with my family. she was driving with my dad in front of me and my mother beside me. as usual when i'm not driving, i had my headphones plugged into my head, drowning out the shit radio my sister inevitably flips on

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-54120812766896904942007-07-11T23:35:00.001-04:002007-07-11T23:58:23.986-04:00

just five minutes ago i was trotting around the room playing my ukulele and dancing. oh you should have seen it. if there's anything hotter than line-dancing in the flickering light of a friends rerun while flicking out bright eyes from a little uke, i'd like to know. you really should wish you were there, i might have serenaded you. it's that good of a night. and no, i didn't go see the

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-91359911771897228262007-07-03T23:31:00.000-04:002007-07-04T00:10:46.793-04:00

you know damn well i can't say anything or i'd hate myself forever. your move. i never realized i was so insecure.ok, i probably did. i figure if i ever record music, i'll be the next elliott smith. you know, but without the talent. maybe i'll just record it alone and be self-deprecating and introspective. maybe that's enough?i'm not even going to respond to that. the music's my shield

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-63716735071194206092007-06-30T17:29:00.000-04:002007-06-30T17:46:29.899-04:00

today is intermediate. suspended in time, in space. it's got that gray feeling of not being a peak or a valley but somewhere lost on the slope. in between. i should be doing something but i don't know what it is. i'm trying not to fall asleep. my mother is napping in the den, my father in the master bedroom. my sister is sitting in front of the television snacking. she is very good at

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-50756601551917193982007-06-23T00:02:00.000-04:002007-06-24T16:51:28.868-04:00

confused. charles barkley is stumbling through an interview with david letterman. just did the top ten list. it's early saturday morning at the beach. i'm bored but i'm still glad i'm here instead of out other places. i could be at a big drunken gathering in raleigh to celebrate an old friend's 21st birthday. truth is, i'm kind of glad the beach thing got moved to this weekened (with my

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-12047784784549659942007-06-21T22:18:00.000-04:002007-06-21T23:00:04.134-04:00

my cat is attacking my foot. i guess it's ok. i did just kick her (accidentally). sick moment. hold please...i can't count the things i need to say. or the things i want to say, for that matter. i've been reading and studying and playing music. driving, thinking, and wishing. it's funny that i'll end up saying the same things here that i always do. i never feel any different. i'll write

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-40879866724825951702007-06-13T23:23:00.000-04:002007-06-13T23:42:53.919-04:00

strangest dream the other night. never kissed you before then. weird but... it was good seeing you. i don't want the music to go down. i'm in an uncomfortable place again tonight. i don't really feel like talking about it because it makes me sound like such a bastard. when the music goes down, i can hear the shit tv in the other room. it reminds me i'm not alone down here. tonight at dinner

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-62747834416340174452007-06-11T23:04:00.000-04:002007-06-11T23:28:03.096-04:00

i was sitting outside starbucks today doing some chem. actually, i was more just watching people. the cars periodically line up on peace street at the glenwood light. i looked up and scanned them down. there were two young girls in a black saab. the passenger had those big sunglasses on like she was a movie star but didn't want anyone else to know. i watched them for a second and glanced on

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-75194708070177693432007-06-09T00:15:00.000-04:002007-06-09T00:43:21.154-04:00

i know i've said this a lot over the past couple years but it's still true. i basically monologue all day long thinking of things to write about. problem is, when i finally put forth the effort to damnwell sit here and write those things... i can't remember any of them. that's basically how it goes. so i know there's a hundred things i want to say. trust me, i have a hundred interesting

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-73751916126185085092007-06-04T23:12:00.000-04:002007-06-04T23:42:20.703-04:00

i don't know why i do this to myself. late night with the shining soundtrack. i would go berserk if i didn't have the tv on. or if my sister wasn't watching tv in the next room with the lights on. this just kills me. i just about jumped out of my chair right there. i swear to god, someday when i'm a creepy middle-aged guy making a production out of halloween in our neighborhood, this is the

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-43676577068693510412007-05-29T22:46:00.000-04:002007-05-29T23:24:26.911-04:00

sitting in my parents room tonight while everyone else is downstairs watching television. rainbows, brown adidas athletic pants with big orange and white stripes, white tshirt and a scarf over my mouth. i feel sort of like harry potter. "saved" was on a little while earlier so i watched a little of it. i know it's just a ** movie and not at all exceptional but i still love it. i'm usually a

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-20237507166730087332007-05-28T22:46:00.000-04:002007-05-28T23:10:07.856-04:00

^^^ i hate that. i feel like the gay friend sometimes. i really do.i'm really getting to be a lazy bastard with publishing this thing. if only intent had anything more to do with it. i've been sleeping early, waking early. up at 6, school at 8. worst part is, i think i'm getting used to it. i had the most urgent dreams last night. i've been trying all day to remember them. i just keep the

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-87820863571728438792007-05-19T23:29:00.000-04:002007-05-20T00:47:06.919-04:00

i wonder how much time i've spent. this generation is defined by the internet as the last one the telephone and the one before that the letter. and i hate it because i have this terribly romantic view of the world where even the telephone is too high tech because it feels like cheating the communication between people. at the same time, i'm grateful because i'm much more comfortable talking to

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-35894819983345292792007-05-03T02:16:00.000-04:002007-05-03T02:49:52.061-04:00

this is the soundtrack that calms me down. it's the one i need tonight. i really should be sleeping. i slept a lot today though... unintentionally. maybe i'm a closet narcoleptic. i'll be sitting at my desk trying to do work and just get so sleepy... just loll my head to the side and rest on my shoulder for a second or if i'm feeling particularly unwilling to fight it, just lay face down in

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-73953589526418608052007-04-29T01:28:00.000-04:002007-04-29T01:48:15.386-04:00

garbage is on television. i mean it. shirley manson is covering her head on the ground. in fishnets.can words really do anything? when i feel this way, i write. i think it's productive. it helps, to feel like i can successfully transmit exactly the idea of my toetips to my hairtips to words on a page. and i like to think that if someone in jackson hole googles 'mrfwfg' and ends up here,

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-53082989992707989852007-04-26T23:22:00.000-04:002007-04-26T23:49:16.226-04:00

it's barely 11:20 and i can hardly keep my eyes open. it's gonna be nice to be asleep by midnight or a little after. i'm blowing off a lot but who cares. the semester is ending. i couldn't care. i wouldn't if i could. i have been working straight through this semester. i'm not sure where it went. never really stopped to take a breath. all of a sudden it's two weeks until i'm moving out

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-7491782842866796252007-04-18T01:26:00.000-04:002007-04-18T02:15:36.335-04:00

bouncy tonight. a while back i was sitting at the worker's table and saw a girl ordering coffee. she was facing the other direction and had gray sweatpants and a pink hoodie on. i don't know how but i knew exactly who it was... ipsp girl. the one who, when we're picking out names chose "jack kerouac" which prompted me to tell her i wish i'd chosen that. not that "baby's got the bends" wasn't

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-80423864087740429112007-04-14T03:37:00.000-04:002007-04-14T03:47:23.139-04:00

the rabbit looked frightened. it was 3:22 in the morning and he had taken a single large hop into the right lane of a small tree-lined and dimly lit side street around the faculty apartments on campus. he looked up in time to see a decade-old volvo (turbocharged, mind you) bearing down on him. terrified, his little bunny brain randomly chose one of the four cardinal directions to hop... turns

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-18865957202686461732007-04-11T02:05:00.000-04:002007-04-11T02:38:19.246-04:00

it's after two and i'm laying on my bed listening to this wonderful beautiful album i've never heard before. it's dark except for the light from my laptop, the two clocks (microwave and alarm) and the broken lines framing my door, not to mention the peephole. i'm sure if i turned those lights off, i'd notice the glow creeping in under the blinds from the parking lot. i can't decide whether i'm

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-50603754262453262362007-03-21T02:31:00.000-04:002007-03-21T02:50:37.451-04:00

i thought i had something to say tonight.there was a girl in the coffee shop a couple hours ago. i was sitting in one of the big chairs in the corner, trying to read while being wholly consumed by the music from my laptop. daydreaming mostly. see, she was sitting on a couch in the other corner, doing something or other. just her. i couldn't decide if i'd seen her before, didn't have a good

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-77006514825161512612007-03-16T00:27:00.000-04:002007-03-16T01:10:16.522-04:00

i wish...and i wish you knew what i was thinking of...the tv is five decibels too loud but maybe just because it's a commercial with a guy explaining what's happened on nbc soaps this week. he doesn't know that, when explained, soaps are the dumbest things on god's green earth. it's mostly dark. there are twenty eight sources of light that i can see from here, and the reflections of two more.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-84880834500839332962007-03-08T00:58:00.000-05:002007-03-08T01:18:58.596-05:00

on the bathroom wall was written "i love ann coulter." i scratched out the first two words and added a couple. now it reads "ann coulter is going to hell." it's that kind of night.just... frustrated. i don't get mad, i just frustrate. and hey, i didn't... hold on a sec. i just de-friended a kid i went to high school with because she writes too damn fucking many facebook notes/changes her

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-78077449334741395842007-02-11T19:00:00.000-05:002007-02-11T19:06:36.020-05:00

i stood outside the post office tonight as the sun was going down. it had fallen behind the buildings on the west side of the quad but you could still catch a good spot of reflection off the chapel. a beautiful february night. i remembered feeling the same way ten years ago, riding in the car with my mother down lake wheeler road a couple days before my tenth birthday. in fact, that could be

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-17076692278698673762007-01-28T00:15:00.001-05:002007-01-28T00:37:37.294-05:00

when i'm down and out, it's you i missthis life is so static. i'm doing that magical thing again where i listen to piano soul and watch a muted pixies concert in hd. sometimes it's hard to get it to work. it's one of those nights. nights after days spent with my family where i'm lonely as hell but i can't stand waiting for everyone else to go to bed so i can be alone again. the voice in my

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-25499651220454945942007-01-27T01:43:00.000-05:002007-01-27T01:55:06.144-05:00

i was supposed to start writing an hour ago, before i got started talking about everything i just spoke of. and i was sitting in front of the fire and it was wonderful but it got too hot so i moved to this cool chair. and then i was watching an interview and talking but i turned the tv down and put on the music. i forgot that it did this. landon pigg was singing but he was singing what i

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-12990051973771848502007-01-08T23:59:00.000-05:002007-01-09T01:25:42.157-05:00

i was leaving the house today, mostly just to drive, nowhere terribly important to go, the beginning of radiohead's set at bonnarroo this past summer just coming on the speakers. i got to the end of my street, not hearing anything over the music, and looked right in time to see a firetruck and an ambulance scream past, sirens blaring, lights flashing. it was sensational. a little streak of

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-55654528612625524642007-01-05T19:39:00.000-05:002007-01-05T20:04:48.309-05:00

my uncle and cousin drove seven hours down I-95 today and are a couple miles down the road eating at a lovely little country barbeque joint with my mother, sister, father, grandmother, and other uncle. i declined to show because i feel like shit. i thought it was funny, though, how my mother seemed less angry at me for not wanting to come than she did when i told her i really didn't have an

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-15999965336525428532006-12-23T00:33:00.000-05:002006-12-23T01:12:16.965-05:00

last night my family saw the new james bond movie, casino royale. i have to say it was pretty good. daniel craig does a decent bond. it was a lot better than anything since the 70's anyway. oh, and eva green was gorgeous - freckles, yum - although she looks better in the movie than anywhere else. one thing about movies though, i was in the bathroom afterwards, full of the movie efflux. i

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-42864105972932571752006-12-17T23:45:00.000-05:002006-12-17T23:55:12.277-05:00

i just read the most disgusting/disturbing article in rolling stone about hog farming. most of it was about eastern north carolina. a global magazine talking about eastern nc, and in the worst of terms. makes me hate this state. maybe i should just be a veggie weirdo. in happier news i had a strange dream last night. one part found me in some strange location outside in some mesas with lots

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-30619294980905844562006-12-15T16:03:00.000-05:002006-12-15T16:25:04.298-05:00

she says it's right out of the blue.early this morning i was about to eat a frozen pastry thing but the voice told me i didn't need it so i left. i was walking back from the bathroom thinking i would eat a sausage. the voice said i should do pushups so i did thirty. i'll save the sausage for later. it was pretty out so i ran down to the fence by the ocean. i ran. it was terribly nice,

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-32659817411652490782006-12-14T23:57:00.001-05:002006-12-14T23:57:49.695-05:00

driving home {much too fast} down country roads singing old our lady peace in full falsetto as the sun sets.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-22953186524296277582006-12-14T23:35:00.000-05:002006-12-15T00:22:49.106-05:00

is it clear to everyone that i have no identity? i'm not o-negative, that much we knew. everyone changes and i don't realize it until my relationships crumble and i end up reading old post from years ago and having it dawn on me that i loved who i was back then so much more. the way i wrote anyway. i basically stopped when i got to school here... i miss high school.if i sit here and be quiet

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-36446353805470626282006-12-10T11:39:00.000-05:002006-12-10T11:40:27.716-05:00

i don't necessarily agree with everything she says but this little girl cracked me up. and yeah, i agree with some of it still...

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-74637757754591050922006-12-10T00:04:00.000-05:002006-12-10T00:10:50.107-05:00

i sort of wrote a song tonight. just a little fingerpicked thing based on some of the chords from tom petty's 'square one'. i brought home postcards in case i want to write more although i'm not sure who they would go to.it was really difficult to leave school today. this entire week has been so relaxed for me... what with three finals. i just don't care anymore. but it was rough, today.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-19358497770283378992006-12-05T17:46:00.000-05:002006-12-05T17:52:03.033-05:00

i've been short recently. like down in jacksonville after a ten-hour bus ride nearly without sleep and standing for six straight hours and watching a football game in the rain and everyone's celebrating and they're playing the fight song and all i can do is cry. no words. walking down to the landing afterwards for dinner with my friends, fans everywhere. and i'm thinking:i'm in jacksonvillei

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-55640473295709987272006-11-20T20:10:00.000-05:002006-11-20T20:32:56.778-05:00

my entire life i've thought i was o-negative. i always liked that because it felt like it fit. the universal donor. like a tiny martyr. my mother decides to tell me tonight that she's o-pos, as well as my sister, and that i'm (gasp) b. b? what the fuck? that's not special at all. not even one of the cool ones (o and ab). just stupid b. it could be argued that it's the worst blood type,

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-33256950785765939702006-11-16T02:41:00.000-05:002006-11-16T02:51:41.444-05:00

i was sitting in my room tonight before walking out to the coffee shop, pre-monsoon. i had to go to the bathroom so i stood and walked over to the door. when i got there, i heard a noise out in the hall. i quietly moved and looked out the door-hole to find a girl crying. she was on her cell phone in the hallway really just... crying. a lot. it was terrible. what was worse is that i didn't

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-58876707036909412682006-10-19T23:58:00.000-04:002006-10-20T00:07:09.533-04:00

my days go by in waves. up at 6, dress up in sweatpants and hoodie, stretch in the lobby, and out the door to meet a running partner that never shows up. for the first time all year, i'm angry about it. bad dreams afterwards, but ninety seconds before i woke up, i saw your face. and i played it cool and was about to walk over when it ended. a good lunch, a great meeting over classes, an

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-40503293754522030372006-10-02T23:16:00.000-04:002006-10-02T23:19:22.019-04:00

mmmmmy econ professor today was talking about negative externalities and how nobody in either class had mentioned secondhand smoke. and he asked us if anybody liked secondhand smoke, you know, sarcastically. of course nobody raised their hand. i wanted to. it's fucked up my family but i love it.i was walking back from the coffee shop last night and there was a guy standing on the quad under a

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-20020688302470641662006-09-23T00:12:00.000-04:002006-09-23T00:14:14.147-04:00

wondering why i haven't posted in weeks? don't give a shit? i'm telling you anyway.concert, morning exam, concert, morning exam, homework, 15-page story, exam. the last three days and the next three will count for something like 1/3 of my entire semester grade. don't worry, i still love you.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-61295733595797378402006-09-10T23:58:00.000-04:002006-09-11T00:14:19.690-04:00

it would be a lie, but i like to say it anyway. it was a very happy moment, a while ago, when i gave up on reading for tomorrow, dog-eared the page, and set the book down. lay back against one of the big plushy brown coffee house chairs with my head on the tall cushion and listened to the music. ceiling lights spotlit my eyes and i propped one foot on the other, unmoving for the duration of

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-70936853282052918052006-09-01T00:01:00.000-04:002006-09-01T00:06:22.322-04:00

there was a time this summer when i went something like twenty-one days straight writing, more - thirty maybe. but i don't so much anymore, i get tired at night. work all day and it happens. i feel bad saying that i don't necessarily want to hear the dave on the coffee shop radio but the truth is i really don't like the song. a lot of the stuff off of the new album just isn't what he should

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-57298581717806878562006-08-30T00:57:00.000-04:002006-08-30T01:02:40.203-04:00

it's cold. i'm awake only because ray is on conan and i had a song stuck in my head already and i never can forgive myself for missing stuff like that. the last time this happened, i ended up staying up for hours even though i was exhausted just thinking and writing in my head. it scares me that i enjoy this short story class i'm taking because it's such a contrast to all this pre-med shit.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-78707898897997481292006-08-22T12:23:00.000-04:002006-08-22T12:49:32.346-04:00

it's been an interesting week. the most pleasant suprises mixed with the most sickness i've felt in a long time. some fun, some creepy moments, and a lot of hugs. but for now i will leave it as a dream i had last night.there is a girl. i'm going to leave the name out. she and i are walking to a familiar castle downtown of a city. we just crossed this great intersection late at night so that

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1155700207723493722006-08-15T23:49:00.000-04:002006-08-16T00:19:08.373-04:00

today was a good day. i wish i could start more posts like that. the goddamn fucking anger of yesterday subsided a bit and some amazing things happened.i drove out to my grandmother's to pick up some stuff. she's been out in the mountains for a couple days so the house has been uninhabited. i parked kristina behind the house in the driveway and popped my trunk. used the "you toucha my keys,

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1155516678555587372006-08-13T20:48:00.000-04:002006-08-13T22:01:52.130-04:00

it was cool for the first time in a month. sitting out on the deck with my dad under that old awning we put together a couple summers ago. him with his laptop and me with mine. it was that time of night when the entire place glows of blue, there being no sun to directly illuminate the environs of my backyard, relying instead on the swath of dying blue sky that fades into white. him with his

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1155416212751893932006-08-12T16:36:00.000-04:002006-08-12T17:05:21.313-04:00

i been takin a break. since all those lost words for wyoming. reading, playing music, trying to convince myself my voice is worthwhile. i dread going to bed every night, laying awake uncomfortable, waiting to pass on and i take pills to help but they don't. not until the morning when i can't bring myself to roll over. but i dream every night. spectacular dreams. i lay in bed and write

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1154231559960240462006-07-29T23:51:00.000-04:002006-07-29T23:56:09.173-04:00

these are the collected notes from my week in wyoming. i wrote it for me, not you. if you want to read it, feel free. in fact, if you read the whole thing, i should be forced to believe that you really, truly, love me. if you don't... well, i wouldn't either. if you want to brag, it's 21,666 words; that's 33 pages in times 12 single space. i learned a lot, about a new world and myself. i

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1153445591305003102006-07-20T21:29:00.000-04:002006-07-20T21:54:47.466-04:00

i love any excuse to go to the library. i'm a dork, i know. so today, after wasting myself outside and showering and whatnot, i took kristina out. i rolled the windows down because the a/c is fucked and it was pretty damn hot out and as i was exiting the driveway the lyrics came out of the stereo "take a breath of fresh air" and at that moment a stiff breeze blew through the entire car so i

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1153368578777906872006-07-19T23:55:00.000-04:002006-07-20T00:37:36.610-04:00

crazy. it's all crazy to me. people, everything with people is important. what's more important than people? relations, drama, whatever the fuck. makes me laugh and feel sick and want to look and want do die. whatever doesn't kill you only makes you wish it did.watching letterman dubbed to the tune of old guster albums. it's even better that way. a couple mornings ago - well, late morning

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1153281647243596782006-07-18T23:57:00.000-04:002006-07-19T15:16:30.786-04:00

compression. deep down in the brain, in the chest, behind the eyes. shrinking of the skin, the skeleton, the nerves. it all hits you. you can go and go and go for hours on hours on basically nothing in 95 degree heat and humidity and get home and sit in a chair and close your eyes and it hits. breathing stops becoming natural, you can stop if you like. motion is excessive. stillness,

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1153197178787997812006-07-17T23:59:00.000-04:002006-07-18T00:49:25.173-04:00

the title doesn't mean anything. it's just 'door' backwards.today was good. drove the jeep out to apex in the heeeet. kept switching the a/c on from vent and back trying to save gas. they took my gun to clean it and see if it shoots. i'm excited. listened to old live dave there and back, haven't done that in a long time. and i played guitar a bit and read a lot and more mundane shit. ate

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1153109331519760432006-07-16T23:57:00.000-04:002006-07-17T00:46:53.296-04:00

oh jesus. i'm listening to the shining ost for the first time. mostly in the dark: light of the hdtv and laptop only. this is incredible. scariest music i have ever heard. i fucking love it.i'm done. i can't listen anymore. fuck, i can't do it.but, i am wearing new shoes. there's nothing like a new pair of shoes. got that new-shoe happinesssssssscheap shoes. bragging rights.spent the

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1153022863420351792006-07-15T23:57:00.000-04:002006-07-16T00:36:23.720-04:00

chipper jones has had an extra base hit in thirteen straight games. that's one shy of the major league record set the same year the great bambino hit sixty. whenever that was.i'm downloading the score to kubrick's 'the shining'. oh boy. i'm excited.i think i'm getting fat. and yeah, i know all you girls who know me want to strangle me for that statement but i know my body and i know when

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152935985692212232006-07-14T23:52:00.000-04:002006-07-15T00:26:17.433-04:00

sitting on the floor, dark den, eighty odd degrees, both fans blowing, makes no difference. feeling rejected among other things. i read too much and i'm tired of it. i've been sober for four months straight. i quit watching 'a clockwork orange' forty-five minutes in because i didn't like it. it didn't stick to the book quite enough, too strange and overdone. although the sex was refreshing.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152849463050334502006-07-13T23:56:00.000-04:002006-07-14T00:26:13.163-04:00

band of brothers, no, not only that... 'i fought in a war,' no, not only that... i have a gun. the destructive half of myself is flaring up again. the part that wants to break, to shoot, to kill without remorse. i would have difficulty hunting, though, i think. i'm not even really considering that, it's only that it is one seemingly acceptible way to vent this destructive kick. i'd be out in

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152763023198819452006-07-12T23:56:00.000-04:002006-07-13T00:35:26.440-04:00

i was cleaning out my phone yesterday, leaning against an office doorway in the cool of a carmax. i found a good bit from a couple months ago. the sweetest ones, you know. made me sick but in a good way. but i'm always learning and i can laugh at it and that's growing, i suppose. the more i learn, in fact, the funnier it all becomes. i thought a while back i might make a t-shirt that says

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152676734044285732006-07-11T23:58:00.000-04:002006-07-12T00:41:19.973-04:00

i'm going to dance. not right now, unless it's one of the sexy shoulder variety, but from now on. i said, in french once, that i sang out loud but only in the car, and i danced, but only in bathrooms. i'm going to danse. life is so much more fun when you dance. {must i keep changing spellings?} i'm going to dance. in my car, in bathrooms, in hospitals, alone, with people, everywhere. not

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152590768356570882006-07-10T23:57:00.000-04:002006-07-11T00:57:59.550-04:00

i get mad. for no reason, it just comes. from deep down, some bad spot, a frustration with fucking everything. it's an unfortunate thing, really, because there's no hope for anyone around me. just... destruction. i was sitting on the lawnmower a couple nights ago. all of a sudden, the rear tires stopped hooking up while going up this one hill. this wasn't terribly unusual but i can

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152504746311592332006-07-09T23:57:00.000-04:002006-07-10T00:30:15.380-04:00

it is almost monday. no, that's not why the post is titled so. if you can figure out why, i will give you five dollars. i swear to god. hint that won't help: it's part of the blanket just like you and me and the moon.i'm home for the first time in a while. and i'm still scared. i turn the lights off in the kitchen and try and walk out without looking out the windows. didn't help that i

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152418379913789752006-07-08T23:58:00.000-04:002006-07-09T00:29:04.513-04:00

i need to change. toughen up, care less, be productive, get addicted. i have a love of doing things people hate me for. cutting, smoking, talking about buying that stupid motorcycle. i love it. every good kid wants to play the badass sometime.strangest thing happened yesterday. my family was shopping on the waterfront in morehead so i was either walking behind them or sitting on a bench

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152332542600639402006-07-07T23:58:00.000-04:002006-07-08T00:53:30.403-04:00

there is a distant whine in the sky. it goes and comes, fighting with the breaking waves for superiority. there is an almost inaudible rasp of razor palm leaves rubbing in the air. people laugh and walk, across the pool. a single chime sounds. i'm sitting outside, on the porch, at the beach. eveything is bathed in a sick orange light from a dual lightpost in the middle of the pool area.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152243716888696822006-07-06T23:37:00.000-04:002006-07-07T00:09:34.336-04:00

debenz, you were a blonde. it really freaked me out. i was in a crowded grocery store, college kids everywhere. alternating dirty tiled floors, cold dry smelling air, high ceilings, high lights... you were sitting in a chair at the end of one of the aisles near the back of the store, on the left hand side. i walked up from behind and you turned around and said hello with that big giggly

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152159608021854222006-07-05T23:56:00.000-04:002006-07-06T00:48:30.013-04:00

every now and then, all you hear is the sleight of the hand in the middle of a beautiful song. the squeak of calloused fingers on bronze wound strings. i can thank my mother for that one.i can't find it in myself quite yet to write an entire song. i've gotten the itch to produce something. i can come up with mediocre music without too much trouble but the lyrics are something altogether

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1152072050273812202006-07-04T23:59:00.000-04:002006-07-05T00:47:13.036-04:00

fuuuucckkkkshe fucking died. goddamnnnn.broke my motherfucking heart. if i can't have her, the main character should. and i don't know how he survived. how can he live? i couldn't, what with all that shit going on. i would fucking die.the camera won't let me go.stood outside leaning against the railing tonight, fifth floor at the beach. long island, she curves around like an old finger, the

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1151903290676217052006-07-03T01:07:00.000-04:002006-07-03T01:23:34.376-04:00

bitter, god-awful lonliness. every time i hear a wind chime at night, it is because someone is brushing against it. every dark window i walk past there is a man with a gun sent to take me out for something i've done. i walk faster every night. every time i turn on a light, i get paranoid because with the light and the glare off the glass of the windows, everyone can see in and all i can see

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1151813771838481632006-07-02T00:11:00.000-04:002006-07-02T00:59:30.813-04:00

i am easilyi am easily redirected, when i want to be. exposure to media is dangerous when you're lonely. books tell me to be tough. let no one inside, get hurt, don't be afraid. get in fights, kill, don't worry, get addicted. life is life and death is death and people should be afraid of me. don't stop fighting until you die.i cooperate in my mind but know it won't work. i'm too soft for

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1151039455036865022006-06-23T01:10:00.000-04:002006-06-23T01:33:00.263-04:00

i'm so fucking conflictedthe huckabees movie is going to save me. just because my emotional self runs wild and free and fucks me over so much. it's going to be ok, really it is. i'm heartbroke but for no legitimate reason. we were never dating, we never fucked. i have no claim on you. so its ridiculous and i know it and that doesnt change anything. not one fucking thing. i can take on a '

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1150518336578766722006-06-16T23:59:00.000-04:002006-06-17T00:49:57.480-04:00

this is not a rescission.i just... feel the need to clarify.i don't mean that i don't need you in my life. i know i said that, but i'm really not so much of a bastard. there are people i don't need anymore. you're just not one of them. see, i'm cursed with an inability to let go. it may not be a problem with most people. there are friends i haven't spoken to all summer, who never said

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1150266015019260572006-06-14T02:03:00.000-04:002006-06-14T02:53:07.466-04:00

one thing i never told you. hey remember that time i thought i was dying at that concert and i went and sat in the last bathroom stall on the closed toilet seat with my face buried in my hands? you kept calling me until i came out. there's a picture of you. it's not even in focus. in it you're standing near the stage, one hand covering an ear, the other holding a cell phone. you don't know

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1150176595538872592006-06-13T01:22:00.000-04:002006-06-13T01:48:12.523-04:00

its early and late. i'm in that odd state, a mix of shock and disillusion. like i've just knealt down on a battlefield and watched friends get cut down in a forest and not done anything to help them. i'm sitting in my den, quiet except for the old folk sounds of sufjan, but i'm not here at all. mouth frozen shut, eyes lidded, staring at one thing or another. blank, infused with the world,

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1149912119381696262006-06-09T23:49:00.000-04:002006-06-10T00:56:46.160-04:00

i'm at the beach... and yet, i'm sitting alone in the dark watching the late show and writing. what a night. nothing unusual. i changed the time of this post from 11:50 to 11:49 because i didn't like the fifty. and there's bright eyes stuck in my head and i really just want to be anywhere with people. actually, i really want to take a flask, fill it with jose, and go walk on the beach with emily.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1149568321417108532006-06-06T00:23:00.000-04:002006-06-06T00:48:36.083-04:00

i can't feel my fingers. i just sat down, to pass the time till midnight, pulled up some music and my guitar and didn't play a line of it. something else came to me, a new set of chords and ideas that i feel might actually turn into a real song. the chorus is stuck in my head... and it's one syllable. like a nightclub jam, i can hear the crowd now...and thats just the nightcap. i have a good life

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1149483339616554542006-06-05T00:51:00.000-04:002006-06-05T01:10:17.003-04:00

i can bare my soul on any given night to a girl i trust. it's just the way i am. and watching vince vaughn make jennifer aniston cry all is proven illusionary when someone i really care about is really hurting. and sitting in a quiet but rain pattered room trying to find something right to say proves that words are nothing more than an illusion themselves. it hurts to find there is honestly

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1149395114626481922006-06-04T00:18:00.000-04:002006-06-04T00:52:23.646-04:00

ryan adams is on tv. for a split second, as he stuck out his neck to hold a chord, face grey under the lights, he looked like my old soccer coach. i miss that guy. but adams is a music man, and i love that. i got myself on a list of students today. gonna learn the piano. i don't know how this is going to happen. i play guitar all the time, i can handle that. piano's something different entirely.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1149202229447582242006-06-01T18:49:00.000-04:002006-06-01T18:50:41.576-04:00

Bourbon Congratulations! You're 116 proof, with specific scores in beer (120) , wine (50), and liquor (69). Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for thebottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of WildTurkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You knowhow to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1149132486540761432006-05-31T23:20:00.000-04:002006-05-31T23:42:34.186-04:00

i think i need a hammock for my dorm room. so it's a single... no room for it. i did some research. something comfortable like a nicaraguan weave. hammocks :)i was laying outside in our old pawley's island rope hammock this afternoon. the sun was still angled up in the sky, flitting through the shifty leaves, i had forgotten my sunglasses. i rolled my legs out and rolled my body the other

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1149044212055743352006-05-30T22:44:00.000-04:002006-05-30T23:52:25.220-04:00

feel sick. real shallow, right down where the neck connects to the body, the soft spot between the first two bones in front. there's a knot, feels like a tumor i should be able to swallow but can't. i'm listening to what's turning out to be precisely the wrong music, more to turn myself a different direction than anything. i think the end of the hockey game killed a piece of me. eh, its a

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1148830079418478782006-05-28T11:27:00.000-04:002006-05-28T11:27:59.426-04:00

i take it back. i'm not so cruel.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1148615406903404202006-05-25T23:32:00.000-04:002006-05-26T00:05:43.340-04:00

its funny... how a movie can fuck with your head. just some odd time when it compounds all the feeling blowing around through my body. all the desires, hopes... love. makes me quiet.i hate to say it. i hate to think it, to feel it, to care. but i do. and i also hate not to care. just the way i am. i hope you are doing alright. now fuck yourself and die.i also hate to say it but now would be a

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1148449020427544532006-05-24T01:25:00.000-04:002006-05-24T01:43:50.220-04:00

i was driving home from fuquay today along some country backroads. it was a beautiful day and bikes were out everywhere. seems like all of them are big harleys... none of the slimmed down old british cycles like i have an affinity for. i had passed a couple of these and was following another, not close, trying to give respect to these guys - basically up to the rest of the people on the road not

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1148359695040758542006-05-23T00:15:00.000-04:002006-05-23T01:20:23.230-04:00

oh boydark in the den, hum of the fans, cat's asleep under the table resting her head on the wooden frame. i mute and unmute the tv, talk and get distracted, alone downstairs dressed up in basketball shorts, fuzzy blue printed long socks, an ancient rebel yell beer tshirt, new hat and silver ring.i think i have a social phobia. i'm generally happier alone than seeing people. i mean, it was

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1148013132664826292006-05-19T00:27:00.000-04:002006-05-19T01:27:49.076-04:00

i just got down on my hands and knees and thanked my cat. as bitchy and superior as cats are, she is always there when i need her. maybe she can smell the thought of tears.i walked in from trying on hats in the bathroom and found her in the middle of the floor, rolled onto her back with her paws stuck up limp in the air. head lolled to the side, eyes closed. so i knelt down and buried my face

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1147668210209993792006-05-15T00:04:00.000-04:002006-05-15T00:43:30.246-04:00

just quoted the beatles to me. i was timing my sopranos to see if i could start this post before midnight, just so i could continue on with one post per day, in case i wanted to write later tonight. well i lost, by a minute on here, by four in real life. cheaters, all of them. turns out i really don't have much to say. still looking at motorcycles, plotting my future death on one of those

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1147495532263258222006-05-13T00:32:00.001-04:002006-05-13T01:18:13.533-04:00

i lay in bed at night thinking for the sole purpose of distracting my head enough to make it forget to remain conscious. lately its been this one girl... a fucking friend. and in my dreams we get drunk and hook up. i don't know, its a phase right now, but comforting. a daydream to help me fall asleep.oh, shit, and to someone else {and you know who you are, sotling}... ok so i can't really say

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1146193728055444732006-04-27T23:08:00.000-04:002006-04-27T23:08:48.063-04:00

nobody loves me {like i want to be loved}... it's all a lie. coming to terms with it.

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1145512333469002732006-04-19T23:12:00.000-04:002006-04-20T02:01:44.416-04:00

i meant for this to go in the last post but i conveniently forgot when it came time to write it. lately its felt as though life were a lot like a charlie brown story. ignored or mistreated by nearly everyone - however true or untrue that may be - but quietly floating on. i have more hair, at least. not only that, but i'm in love with a red-haired girl. she doesn't know i exist and i'm ok with

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1145395707467257592006-04-18T17:19:00.000-04:002006-04-18T19:12:10.866-04:00

there is no good way to start writing this. i used to wonder who would cry, if i died. find out who really cared. but i've been to those funerals and seen all those people and prefer not to think about that anymore. still, a lot of the time, i get the deep impression that people just don't give a damn about me. of course my family cares but they aren't here, just these other cruel teenagers. in

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3741343.post-1145075420001263442006-04-15T00:20:00.000-04:002006-04-15T01:07:45.386-04:00

i don't draw away from things happening, and i certainly think a lot, but often, i never really want to write about it. so, as this past week was certainly something to me... it's not really going to appear here. there aren't any good words, right now, for the things that went down. maybe i will save it for a story someday.i am at home, for once, and it's nice. although the trend seems to be that

sunshinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16912583385641411863noreply@blogger.com0