i could start by apologizing for not writing but that wouldnt really seem apropriate... i dont think anyone depends on reading what i write. ive just been lazy lately which is or is not an excuse for not writing anything in a month. seems like there has been so many times ive felt like writing something and have had it in my head and just not felt like it later. the sad part is, i know i wont write about it so i sortof waste it sometimes. i cant even feel honest about having a candid thought anymore. see, i had an idea to just write... just to lay everything out and write about everything and nothing to make myself feel better. i just thought of that while sitting in a chair half an hour ago. now that im doing it i hardly feel that i can do it for the right reasons anymore. regardless, i will sit and write for as long as i deem necessary about nothing... and everything like i said. mr mitchell used to give us freewriting time and i havent done that in a while. maybe i will try it more often even if i dont have anything to say. in fact, right now i think ill just make it one big incoherent paragraph. that makes more sense to me than having an intro then a random body of work. see the thing is, it occurs to me that any sane person wouldnt read all this. i figure by now at least half of everyone has stopped because its just a fruitless random essay from a bored old crazy boy like me. however, if you have read this, kudos to you because you are at least as bored as i am now... then again i wouldnt want to wish that on anyone i liked so maybe i dont like you. hope that wont stop you from reading in the future. i think i need to find a way to space the lines more clearly so its easier to read. maybe that would help. i stopped writing for people a long time ago. now its just for me, maybe thats why i havent been doing it lately. ive been too lazy to help myself. it feels good to get all these thoughts out. i think ill come back years and years in the future and read what i have to say now and do something like beat my head on the wall for wasting all this time. i should be playing guitar. i should be eating. i should be watching 'friends' on tv... yeah well maybe that wouldnt help any either. hmm look, all ive written about so far is writing. someone once told me i have a way with words. i didnt know i did. its subconcious now, i have to try to use words beautifully. see if i try too hard it wouldnt work. i find its a lot easier just to sit here any type out whatever comes to mind. if you find that it flows or looks nice then maybe its just because you really suck at writing and im just crazy. yeah sorry for that i didnt mean it. i really dont know what i want to do in life. ive found its easier to give than receive. im serious about that, i love doing things for people but its hard to accept nice things for myself you know? its fun to drive out to the boonies to deliver coffee or take someone home after bowling or cover the cost of something that someone else might have trouble with. it would be sortof hard to have a life like that and still make a living. i mean yeah you could live off a shopping cart and help people all day long but where would all the amentities be? im not completely immune to the temptations and inherent selfish needs of society. i remember i heard on 'friends' once that nothing you can do can be completely selfless. if i try to convince myself that im a good kid because i do good things for other people it would be a lie because i do them to see the smile on their faces. really, if you kept doing nice things for people and received a lot of hate and contempt for everything and you kept doing them without pleasure whatsoever you would be crazy. i do nice things for the selfish results. i want people to like me. i need people to laugh when i tell a joke and if they dont it hurts sometimes but its not the end of the world. there are so many important things that completely outweigh a lost opportunity to brighten someone's day but that doesnt make it hurt any less. i just saw the movie 'pay it forward' for the second time. i forgot how beautiful that movie was. see the point is, this little kid developes a plan to make the world a better place. you do three big things to help three people, it has to be something hard, and in return they do three more big deeds to other people... paying it forward. in theory the world would become a better place. it is brought forth that people get stuck in bad situations and even though it is bad they are scared to change. people dont want to make the effort because they are afraid of the results. its sad really. in the end the kid dies, there are a few scenes that really make me want to cry but i never do. maybe im just a hard person, i dont know. i want to cry sometimes but i usually dont. it would make me feel better. i wish the world would be a better place. it would probably make life easier for a lot more people. maybe someone reading this will do some good for someone else. that could help, you know? cant hurt at least. i have successfully written through 'friends'. i feel good about that. sometimes i dont understand the things i do. i automatically check my buddy list when it blinks even if theres no one i want to talk to. i guess you never know if a good conversation can come from a quiet person. in any case, you have the opportunity to brighten someone's day (or night). a few nights ago i turned the tv off to watch this lightning outside my bedroom window. it was something i wanted to write about. i had all this poetic language flowing through my head at the time. it is clearly lost on me now but i can still tell you how i felt. it leaves you in awe, stricken inside to see such power. maybe its different for people who dont care but i think everyone can appreciate something. it wouuld only lightning every half minute or so but when it did the entire street would light up. i couldnt even see it in the sky because it was over the house but like the backdrop or reflectors in a photographer's studio, the sky would flash and light up everything below it. i would notice things under the lightning that i would never have seen outside the dim orange flood of light from the lone streetlamp at the end of the cul-de-sac. i should have italicized that since it was french but i dont feel like it. i thought it was cool how, using a cliche, the world would plunge into darkness after the lightning left. well, outside the street lamp anyway. i wish it wasnt there, it ruins things. if you want to continue on the plunging cliche, the thunder sounds like the rushing of a river sometimes. its odd to me that lightning can vaporize air. its also odd that air five miles away would still rush to fill the former air's spot in the atmosphere. i wonder how far away it thunders for each individual lightning. something else to think about. there has to be a radius around the lightning that everyone sees. how many people can see that lightning from the other side from you? its crazy. and it has to strike somewhere but you never see where it strikes. it could be different for some people but i personally have never seen lightning strike within a close distance of me. its always on the horizon one way or the other. maybe i am protected by some zone of inconductivity. that would be awesome. whenever it lightnings we have to close the pool for half an hour. if it thunders it is only for twenty minutes. now theoretically if you can hear it thunder you can be struck by lightning. so why the change in times? dont you usually associate one with the other? i am missing frasier to write all this. bow down to me (no dont). i got payed last week for working in a thunderstorm. we played cards and four-square the entire time. that cant be safe. i kept losing all my quarters in texas holdem poker. the way i see it, if you get ahead you can bull anyone else out of the game. never really worked for me. or throwing balls to knock other ones out of the pool without breaking out the lightning rod net. maybe i just suck at that. sometimes i feel like i can mispell one letter words. anyway, it occured to me while on a stint sitting on the stand out in the hot summer sun wearing this girl's sunglasses that i should write about some of the laws of the pool. obviously i didnt. and i dont mean laws, maybe, umm... theory's or commandments but not because they arent commandments. anyway, some of the stuff that passed through my mind (they were all in old english speak which i wont bore you with): every vehicle that leaves the pool will immediately be replaced by one of a proportionate size carrying a proportionate number of screaming little children. horseflies and wasps are to be exterminated with 'the saint'. flies are to be executed by 'the patriot'. only the last one out at the end of the day can do burnouts in the parking lot. i dont know why the black phone doesnt work. the phones are for use only for emergency calls or for lifeguards trying to figure out whether women are black or white by the sound of their voice. little kids will find games to play that will make you think they are drowning when they arent. if you are a rock fan, you will work with a country fan. the radio will change channels every half hour according to who is on the stand. skynyrd rocks. i will stub my toe on a big heavy bench everytime i work a shift. no matter how much free food you can have you will always want more. frozen food sucks. gatorades are coolness resistant and nobody knows why. if you leave the windows down in your car or drive a vehicle with no windows it will rain. contrary to popular belief, the water is warmer on rainy days than it is on hot sunny days and i dont mean just relative to the temperature of the air. if you dont check the water every day you will forget how to. little girls know how to check the water better than i do. finally and most importantly: all regular lifeguards are head guards' bitches (so enjoy cleaning out the bathrooms johnny). i know i forgot some stuff but thats ok because i never wrote about it anyway. i am not ready for school to start again. its ironic because at the end of last year i didnt want school to end. well, i wanted the work to end but not the people because i enjoy the people. the same goes for now, i really dont want to continue working but i want to see all my people again. there are people that promised me they would see me over the summer that just havent except for outstanding situations where the purposes determined on the last day of school really were never realized because of other variables that only come once in a lifetime. those same people are what make life complicated. people have problems and i can accept that but some problems really drop my respect for someone else. i have no right to judge someone but i want to so badly sometimes. i have to figure out when to step in and when to step back. how good of a friend to i need to be and when? sometimes i feel it would be a miracle for me to figure out the perfect thing to say sometimes when nothing will come out. im an advocate for love and the environment but i cant believe in anyones love but my own. maybe that is sad but to me it just makes me stronger because i dont trust them. i have a tendency to get nervous and sometimes that can waste all my allotted time. i hate it when i dont think i can get that time back. it doesnt help that i am lazy and dont plan things or do things until the last minute. i have school assignments due monday that i have technically had all summer to do but are saving for the last minute. subconciously i live for the last minute but outside i hate it. i hate history books and i hate the author too. it isnt right to hate and i shouldnt hate but when you waste time in your beautiful little life reading about your forefathers and something that wont affect you in the slightest lest you be judged by your trivial knowledge later then i feel i can hate a book as well. i hate the fact that people are judged by outward appearances. i hate it that people call clay aiken gay. he isnt gay. do you feel the need to call the man gay because he is intelligent, humble, personable, dresses well, and sings sweeter than you ever will? i dont think it is right to do so. but thats just me. drew carey is a pop up show tonight. those get annoying because you feel an obligation to read every single one that shows up. i hate doing that because sometimes i just want to enjoy the show. instead i read all the little popups. its killing me to sit here not looking at the television when i can hear the little boinks from the speakers. i almost feel bad because part of me wants to stop writing. it sucks because i know that chances are i wont do this again for a long time and i still have so much to say. starting sunday night i have an eleven o clock curfew and i swear to God that somewhere bugs are biting my legs. fuck you bugs. i realized ive gone most of this essay without using bad language. thats a new one. when school starts i likely wont have it in me to write much. i know i did last year but last year was easier than this year. did you know that come a few weeks i will have had this page for a year? strange eh? i estimated a while back that there is in excess of sixty pages written so far. its probably something like seventy by now. later i may publish it when im famous as a memoir of some sort. then all this will be in a paper book instead of on the net. look who's moving on up yall. i love being a country boy, its so much better than being a city child to me. so much heritage, good food, hospitality etc. i love the south. i wont go into all my environmental southern real estate hating rants tonight because frankly i just dont want to write about that but you probably already know my position on that crap. part of my guitar is chipping. the paint and wood near the neck that is. its a pain in the ass to see it. i think it will be covered by warantee but damn its a pain to see it happen. the only chemical that guitar has seen is a wipe down of windex once about five months ago so dont tell me that makes paint chip now... bullshit. i want a gibson now anyway. i think i could be in a band if i were a little better. switching chords that involve turning your hand are a pain in the ass though. dual humbuckers kicks a trio of coils anyday in my opinion. i need beefy sound. in the words of that old commercial, "wheres the beef?" i was at the mall today and i couldnt decide whether to get a great american cookie or a caramel shake from cinnabun. i ended up not getting either, bummer eh? do you say car-mel or car-a-mel? i dont know if theres a southern pronunciation i should use but i use the first one. like pi-cahn or pee-can... the latter of course. dont you hate mouth sores? i dont know if any of you even get them but theyre a pain in the ass... errr... mouth. ive got like two right on top of one another. my mouth is swollen dammit. haha i just randomly typed 'shit' without meaning to. just thought you would care. if you have read this far you care. if you tell me you read this i will give you a dollar. just ask for the dollar. really... anyway, to feel fair now i feel like i have to write even more to pad that dollar comment from being at the end where it might be seen a little easier. why do shakes from gnc taste so bad? the vanilla flavor powers its way through no matter what you put in it. ugh nasty. and is it just me or do tan people not get burned? mags? cause i got this nice tan and now i dont even use sunscreen anymore cause i really just dont get sunburned. i think this is the best tan ive ever had, seriously. i feel like the not-so-white boy. its crazy. i want to walk around without a shirt on like i do at home because i hate shirts. i found some jeans in my drawers the other day. the jeans released a conflict of emotions. i want to wear the jeans cause it would feel good but i dont want to cause its not winter but i do cause i havent worn them in so long but i dont cause i want to show off my tan legs and not get white legs again cause that would suck and im over that phase of my life. no that was not meant to sound gay. i really do have a nice tan, really. writing all this has really made me feel better. i feel like i can really be an english major now and write stuff for important people like a magazine. naw im kidding but at least my night isnt sad, even if 'pay it forward is really a beautiful movie'. ive written for an hour and a half. ends up its over 3,300 words and 17,000 typed characters. you try that yourself sometime. ill try and come back to write more later but maybe not for a while, you know how it is. please, yall, be satisfied with me. im only one guy against the world. i love you guys, really i do. peace out yall...