hello this is to you
hello this is goodbye
you never gave me the chance to know
just left me the time to cry

here comes the slow deep quiet realization that all ive worked for is false. i dont believe a thing you say. i dont believe our past. i dont believe in our future. cant say i have regrets. just wish i had seen the truth earlier. 'this boys too young to be singin the blues.' one night away from home and i used to call. you never did. still no voicemail to date. i win. stupid stuipid stupid. ive finally decided my future lies beyond you. i taught myself to stop popping my knuckles. fuck that. time to teach myself to stop saying your name. dont mistake this for anger, it isnt. it is... i am resigned. i suppose. tired of trying just as im tired of crying. time to take you off that pedestal. lets just be friends. its what you wanted all along. lies. all you ever did was lie to me. ive been ok with this. such a slow process and strange. strange how sunday i was content with bracing myself to one day, someday, win you over... and that would be that. somehow your lack of communication shook something loose. something died. something let go. its your fault. i let go. j'ai lache. and somehow writing this down is bothering me. my throats caught. that pain in my empty self is back. it will go. 'this will all fall down'. im not sure you can change that. i hope you can feel this though. it means something to me. maybe it will to you too.

hello how are things
hello im praying for you
lifes treated you so unfairly
deep into your blues

remember when things werent so easy. when you needed me. its a strange concept isnt it? needing me? i bet that hasnt occurred to you. not in years. 'confidant tell me how to feel'. its true. my unshaken confidence years ago. what happened to that? you stopped giving me a reason to believe. there is no forever. never was. that shouldnt bother you. it bothers me sometimes. i missed you for a little while. thought i had something to miss. i was wrong. we never had anything. just a couple nights out with friends. social with company. you amazed me less than i remembered. denied a future. does that scare you? 'me i aint ever gonna understand'.

hello i think i love you
hello what do you see
theres nothing for you to run from
all you see is me

remember out on the walkway when you shared your music with me. privacy released. you wrote in my notebook and gave me batteries when mine died. remember the elections, the movies, the shakespeare, the expos... where were you then? where were you? ill never know. thats what i regret. the more i think of you, kid, the more i see myself. you were a big part of me. why the hell was i ever worthwhile? because of you. worthwhile to you? who knows... you didnt. still dont. remember when i called you clingy and you got angry? im sorry for that. whatever happened to that... whatever happened to dibs? seriously. 'i thought that meant something to you'. if you were just messing around you should have told me. we got too comfortable. never should have let it fade. or was it ever there to begin with? i never knew what love meant. i know that now. should have known it then.

hello this is to you
hello this is goodbye
theres a space in my heart for you
one thats recently died
im sorry
im not sure why

so this is goodbye. this is it. never thought i would see the day. just isnt worth it anymore.

"but forever never seems to be around when things end" ~ b.h.

"Now she goes - beautifully, with simplicity. It no longer makes me cry and die and tear myself to see her go because everything goes away from me like that now - girls, visions, anything, just in the same way and forever and I accept lostness forever. Everything belongs to me because I am poor." ~ jack

goodbye saffron