take two: post power surge... how many topics have i exhausted so far? it feels too difficult to think of something to write. tonight im going to lay off bashing those i love, speculating about god, stars, dreams and damn i know theres more. all ive got tonight is beautiful music. the kind that makes you want to cry the first time you hear it. music and the softer glow of the monitor erratically backlit by the lightning bolt flashbulbs through the sun/moon roofs of the room. and the rain is being almost... indecisive. continually readjusting from deluge to respite, steady rain to hard drops in no sequence at all... enough to drown out the music and the glow and my thoughts all at once. and now seems to have withdrawn into itself... back up in the sky. so ill think about something else for a little while.

ive been a good person lately. im almost proud of that. even though i was fired by my manager last monday for being a couple minutes late... eh, doesnt bother me anymore. company didnt agree. i could have thought well... to hell with mowing my grandmothers grass but nah, theres no need for that. guess i still have to go pick up that last paycheck. treated my father to a movie and drinks at the rialto saturday night which, aside from the people sitting behind us, was enjoyable. also enjoyable, treating my mother to pizza at lily's for lunch today. best pizza ive had in my short life. so it all comes back to you because we went out for ice-cream at cold stone tonight... dads treat. id feel better about all this if i didnt have to be charitable all the time. but enough.

running into people over the summer is difficult for me. if i mean to see someone i get nervous because it would be odd to assume i would be seeing them if i didnt have special appreciation for them. otherwise, seeing people randomely tends to scare the shit out of me. drove into circuit city crabtree today and saw a car i recognized. moments dull debate before deciding to go into the store. im so bad at faking normal behavior. when i know someones around i tend to stand with my head down behind things so as to... blend in maybe. looking out for myself in case i must (dear god) converse or interact with anyone. especially someone nice. luckily for me i didnt see anyone i recognized and made it out (running for the car before my mom had finished paying) unscathed. check that, im embarresed for me. odd thing is i ended up driving back out to her house to make an unscheduled delivery tonight. go me... and yeah i managed not to see anyone again. i love tempting fate. late tonight, after cold stone, we were all standing in line at michaels to get some random things. my mother asks my sister if she recognizes the girl in the orange and white striped shirt paying up in the line. i got a look at her face and realized she went to middle school with me. we were on the yearbook staff together. hello meagan. of course i didnt say anything, bowed my head, and looked at other things... im pretty sure she saw me though. always glad to leave a good impression, thats me. so to past acquaintances i must appear to have gone through some traumatic accident. i clearly appear incapable of handling social situations. this isnt aided by the fact that when i do intentionally meet people i give the illusion of being sweaty from anxioty... which is only partially true. my anxioty had nothing to do with the sweat which is what happens when you ride around in a black leather hotbox with no working a/c. its hell on wheels, baby.

said i wasnt going to bash anybody i loved but hell, i might as well... where are you? the reason i handle my life with so little grace cant show up to discuss herself. i have a feeling this is it. this is big. you know what i mean. and to the rest of you... where are you? the one night i thought i could feel safe for having things to say to four different people and all of you remain conspicuously absent. this isnt working. this isnt working at all.