"dammit yall he wasnt where i left him... ahhh shit the bastard is loose in my car. oh... hes just crawling on my shirts. good for him..."

that is the only line from the post i wrote twelve hours ago that i actually dont hate. i really dislike most of the stuff i write on this thing. never pleased. its hard... id like to write more often. write every day but not about trivial pursuits or stupid shit nooo. i need to write things that require thought or creative description. nobody gives a fuck about cicadas. remind me not to write about those bastards anymore. dammit see i just wrote like two more lines about them. dammit. this is all shit. shit. shit. shit. on the other hand, i enjoy things i read. this is probably natural. i just finished a book about a guy that tears down and rebuilds a classic truck. it was filled with his trials and triumphs, informative, but also so damn philosophical. it was amazing. the characters think so much and relate so much into building a truck. i want to write like that. i want to make sense sometimes. reach beyond whatever is there and put some metaphorical cosmical twist on it so that you all can see what i see and understand it. i dont need to be writing crap about shit that doesnt mean anything. everything means something and i need to be finding that. i dont need to be so sad... so angry... unless it has to do with something. unless something productive comes out, some revelation of sorts that can actually contribute to deeper understanding of angry people. i want to be outside and writing about the moon and space and stars and time and combustion and utter reality but i dont have the resources. it generally takes too much effort to walk back and forth. and there are bugs to worry about. so i need to look for something else. look beyond something else, beyond the wall behind it, boundless energy everywhere, correlations, things that mean something. thats what i need to be doing. no more about large-ish bugs. more social commentary. more happy. more bliss. more love. more dreams. more sky. more life. more things worth reading. more me.