i am getting tired of religion. i know ive written about god so much in the past and all but really... christianity is starting to sound more like a cult than a founded belief. every time the entire congregation says "the word of god for the people of god, thanks be to god, amen" in unison after reading a little scripture... i cant stand it. "god" starts to sound so much like "golden cow" or "jim jones" that it becomes unbearable. i understand the premise is of good things, ten commandments and all but judaism is starting to sound good too. apparently there arent so many requirements to get into your own personal afterlife. hell (no pun intended), you dont even have to be jewish to go to jewish heaven. thats what im talking about. i mean really... if christians are right then only those who believe in jesus will go to heaven. worship jesus like jim jones because jesus is a real god and jones isnt. why? ...i dont know really. christianity, judaism, and islam (as well as many smaller religions, notably mormonism) are all based on pretty much the same books. it seems to be a matter of who chose what books to be in their volumes (book of mormon, bible, torah, koran... etc.). how can anybody be right and wrong? how can anybody really be objective in choosing a religion when they have been taught their entire lives what to believe... or not to believe? i would find it liberating to be a jew right now... not having to specifically be anything... just a good person. but there are all the sad holidays and barmitzvahs and yamikas. i dont want to deal with that. and im also frightened of leaving christianity because hey, what if i am wrong... leaving jesus would mean hell for me. im not quite sure i could do that anyway, its far too engrained in my subconcious. not everyone can be right. cant i just live the life i want to live and make it somewhere good? i keep feeling like eventually i will be shut out of heaven on a technicality. what if it is all for naught... there is no god... and we are all doing this funny dance for nothing? seems perfectly logical that i am alone here. cant say any of my prayers have been definitively answered lately. but then theres always that pang of doubt. what if i am wrong? i lose all over again. its enough to hope for a near-death experience to maybe see god or speak to an angel or something. anything to make any beliefs concrete. its always nice to have some faith... some belief in something above watching over you. christians say that faith is what gets you into heaven. well... faith in jesus anyway. and faith is blind... so maybe i am on the right track after all. it cant be too easy. sigh... but there are always enough doubts. ill continue to be my own devil's advocate.

everyones a hypocrite.