im wondering if dreams come true. i dont mean that in a good way, i mean that in a realistic way, a practical way, dreams that contrast life but inevitably form your thoughts. im wondering if dreams are the product of your subconcious and the opportunity for self-truth, your alcohol and sleeping pills. possibly not just random imaginary situations initiated by the random excercise of your brain waves at play. are dreams something to trust? can you really make decisions or judge life based on dreams? im inclined to believe so because it sure as hell has changed my life in the past. ill admit that some things were just wrong. not that i ever gave them a chance but after living life outside that world for a while, whatever notions i may have grasped because of inclinations brought forth from a dream were dispelled. this has proved a good thing; i still learn things about people every day that make my luck seem even greater. oh how wrong i was. and then again, i will never really know will i? unless i have a similar experience while under the gun again. then, hell, the whole cruel process might just repeat itself. stupid notion, painful existance, tragic enlightenment, and slow apathy. its always the same. but it feels different now. someone i met in a dream spoke to me and said exactly what i was hoping not to hear from anybody. the words have an effect on me even now and they still hurt to hear. its tough to give up, even for some cute reward that might make it all worthwhile for a while but ultimately leave you dry and burnt out in the end. shit, ill be damned if the risk isnt worth it though, whether that is to give up and take a ride or to take dreams' advice to begin with. even tonight, more proof to me that people suck. theres nothing you can do about that except give up, let them float away, and run with what it seems like you got. so what if its not tested or tried and true, its better than today. anything is better than today.

and can i really do it anyway, it would hurt like shit but its not a new concept to me, i mean hell, its an old friend by now. the impending pain makes life more interesting but after all this time wouldnt it seem like a waste to quit now? why not make the entire process a waste instead of creating short opportunity. and when i gain the certain crazy stupid courage of the circus clown and do it... i know im going to regret it. thats not even a question to me. its not enjoyable, i cant see happiness, just stupidity in my future. but can i be certain its not better than today?

and all this shit is based on a dream. but is that fucking dream based on reality or not? this could shape my entire fucking life and im not even sure if its really valid, all these inclinations and evidence circulating in my mind. what if im throwing everything important in my life away for random deep thoughts? what then, where am i without that worth, that opportunity, that chance for happiness... or what if i dont and, oh god, i miss the chance to listen to my inner self. surely your inner self is wiser isnt it? i mean really... its like mystical or some shit. i dont listen and stick with this trap, this unreal illogical thing im stuck to. i mean dammit boy, its downright stupid to think that there is any happiness coming out of this. look at it logically man, do the fucking math...

so there you have it. validity of dreams and the relations to the rest of my life. its too much to bear.