very violent mood today. just angsty i guess. like i needed to shoot something. and really i meant to do just that but never got around to it. shooting things is underrated anyway. like little army men. shot the motherfucking legs off one standing on a horseshoe stake from twenty five feet first shot yesterday with an old bb gun but havent had the luck since then. i need to take it out and shoot at stuff... and soon. too bad i never found the poor bastard. hes mia. people and lonliness suck, the both of them. and people with too much nazi-responsibility and people with too little responsibility, they suck too.

i just finished a great novel by a great author. it turned me on to all life is and how utterly un-weird my life is. i need some serious excitement. i mean shit, when else am i going to have fun... ever? i want a trip across country in a convertible loaded with mean shit. i want vegas and the promise of flashbacks years up the road. but am i really crazy enough to enjoy my life? nope. and it kills me too.

and then theres god. god who is silent most of the time but sends signs every now and then. just odd events that make you realize that holy shit, god is there watching me and he has a fucking opinion. must listen to god... must... listen... to god. well if it is meaningful at all, it usually means god is on your side... or that he isnt. i seem to believe that god is on my side in my matters but hell, that may not be the case. anything you see resembling something youve prayed about can be considered a sign or else just plain luck. people do better when they have something to believe in though, even if it doesnt make sense. for example, ive prayed forever over some things and never really gotten much of a positive response from the man above until i prayed one night over the ocean. i got my sign right then and there, or at least what i thought was my sign. now that sign could signal for me to continue my struggles but it seems that course leads to perpetual pain. now the only other course seems to lead to not-quite-perpetual pain, but pain anyway. ive never really wanted that course because it leaves questions to my mind. what might have happened? ill never know. god's never really responded that way before so i really dont know how i would handle the regret of losing faith in people. maybe no regret at all... i dont know. but im scared of it. so this 'sign' i noticed after praying over the ocean. god or coincidence? if i had stayed in the hottub for a couple more minutes before going out to pray i might not have seen it. could be pure luck and timing. these things happen all the time. but if it wasnt, if god actually played a role in this little drama, then this would signal something important to me and thats something i really should take to heart. this should be considered an opportunity, a chance to really explore something that could lead to either a lifetime of happiness or a self-destructed and mutilated psyche. i really want to explore that possibility. but i really dont want to get hurt. but in reality, can you learn without a little pain? is it so terrible to suffer every now and then and not because you want to, because it is good for you? is that so weird? im not sure it is. who can really say what is in the books for me? maybe god has a plan. maybe god is hoping i will pursue that signal he sent and get hurt and fall crashing back to earth. maybe he wants my heart a bloody pulp. maybe i need to lose faith to regain it again. things tend to be sweeter after painful experiences. sweeter, sure, but less sure in ground. im pretty sure that if things go sour here, paranoia sets in and my brain slowly developes multiple personalities. yeah then you would feel sorry for me. then god would have his way. or maybe it was just nature, man-made nature, fate perhaps, that sent this whole wave crashing down. ill never really know. youll never really know. all these impossibilities will have to stand up to some mighty terrible god-power if my prayers come true. if my prayers come true... yes, mountains would crumble and seas would have to drain into their very vents. god would stop the world to let me melt with you. and then it would all be over. the impossibilities would have their way. nature would revolt and the world would come to a tragic demise, leaving me as the only happy being left. me and possibly you, hopefully you too. when the world ends. that will be me there, god and i, us three. that is, if god has anything to do with it. and i hope he does.

i love you all