my hands burn, both of them. im not entirely sure why but i think it has something to do with that saw and that poor tree and the fact that ive washed them four times since then and shaken one of them profusely. oh well, shaking hands happens. its enjoyable actually. knock all the bones out of socket, maybe it will keep you from your life for a while. who knows, you just may get lucky. all good things must go eventually. its why im writing tonight anyway. i like last weeks post but hell, i need to keep going. musnt dwell on the past. i wish people understood that. you cant dwell on the past. one of the truest phrases ive heard was from ben folds. "let me tell yall what its like being male, middle class, and white. its a bitch if you dont believe..." historically innacurate but really quite true for the present tense. seems white dudes like me have all the priveleges doesnt it? we white guys rule the world dont we? im sure george bush and bill gates would agree. the problem is, people resent that. just because women, minorities, minor women etc. have been opressed for millenia by us white guys, does that mean we still do? yes we have been kings. it can be argued that jesus was in fact a skinny white guy much like myself (although if you really think about it he was probably middle eastern and not much like the paintings youve seen). ok so we took yall africans as slaves. "wasnt my idea." ok so we denied women franchisement till this past century. "never was my idea." if i dont mind saying, quit yer bitchin. everyone can vote, nobody can be denied a job or be forced to sit on a different toilet seat anymore. im pretty sure we cleared that up with the civil rights act of 1964. yeah and title IX. this isnt a history lesson though. the truth is that most people cant get over the fact that white guys have been yalls boss since the beginning of time. look at yourselves, things arent like that anymore. where is all this resentment coming from? what to i owe you, maam, or you, brother? should i move out of my middle class neighborhood and into your hood for a while? im pretty sure i didnt do anything to deserve that. if you are a woman and you get fired and they hire a man in your place then guess what? its the fucking twenty-first century honey, find a lawyer and sue that son-of-a-bitch for all hes got. somebody makes off-color comments in your office, sexual harrassment. lets make lawsuits not excuses. i may sound incredibly insensitive but i never have nor have had the want to have a slave. so dont complain to me that you cant get into college because hey, youve got this little ditty called affirmative action on your side. you know, its what gives you an edge over me when it comes to getting into college. if that isnt a life-changing event then tell me what is. no, just because im smarter doesnt mean i deserve any more opportunities than you. i apologize for your great-great-great-great grandfather's field labor. my bust homie. if you have problems with this, please, take it up with god. id love to hear what he says about it. excuse me, he-or-she. im afraid that is yet to be cleared up. our omnipotent bisexual multiracial "higher being" must have some opinion. please tell me he didnt set us white dudes up to be resented for centuries. these days we have no more to gain than anybody else. im fucking tired of being the butt of resentment for my redneck past. haha. no im not racist. no im not sexist. but hey, if you havent caught on, being male, middle class, and white is not that easy. hot damn and a democrat at that. its a bitch if you dont believe...

yes all that and god. what is this problem with the phrase "under god" in our pledge of allegiance? under God, excuse me. i wont really worry about that for now though. now here i understand that our fair nation is not all diestic. it is certainly clear that not everyone here believes in god. but i do. should i be offended if it were to be taken out of that great pledge? maybe. but should you be offended for being cruelly forced to say those two evil words when you yourself are struggling to find security in religion? god forbid we push you in one direction or another. it is not the united states of america's business to nudge you in your religious life. perhaps you feel violated by our clearly partisan pledge. file a lawsuit, its the cool thing to do. get some judge on the courts to decide whether the founding fathers (those immortals) had it in their plan to worship god. maybe they did, maybe they didnt. yes, were the founding fathers religious? because we should all look up to them. their opinions matter. our nation is in permanent debt to thier opinions. they are on mountains and money and shit. and money is important. its what gets you out of ghettos that the white man put you in. the fucking bastards enslaved your people! forty acres and a mule! forty acres and a mule!!

dreams are weird... and odd... and strange... and disturbing. and i love bad dreams. they make life so much sweeter. like r.k. once said. death is important because without it life would go on indefinitely. without death, our psyches would crumble. death gives every second of our life meaning. so do bad dreams, i think. or at least memorable ones. i wish i remembered more of my dreams. that would be nice. im not out to hurt yall, you know that. but im not going to apologize for anything ive said tonight either. nobody can deny that there is resentment towards skinny white guys like myself. people that have problems with 'under god' annoy the shit out of me. get a life. abortion and the death penalty annoy me too. but i wont go into that now. the only thing that matters right now is that im getting bored and i am really not being entertaining... which i really should be. although i shouldnt be as well. and theres a light in the next room over and my dad is watching television. and i put the odd earphones on tonight. they are hard to put in my ears but they sound a hell of a lot better than the other cheap ones. i hope those dont hate me for it cause then they might break. i keep writing things and erasing them because nothing is quite what i want to say. you would have had to read all this to get to the real points i am trying to make. im not even sure what they are anymore. this is the breakdown yall. the fun part. im almost sure someone will come up to me in school tomorrow. some girl... some republican getting on my case for writing all this shit. yeah well... republicans happen. and girls too... but mainly, ah fuck forget it. i am going to be pissed if i dont get into a good school because of affirmative action. you better believe it.

but i have way too much shit to do right now to worry about that. much too much shit. and people to talk to. and things to do. and not fall apart because that is sounding really appealing. what if i were to have some kind of breakdown. and i would have to be in the hospital of course and i could skip all these inductions and review sessions and tests and school and everything and it would be wonderful because i could fly on a cloud with my leg in a cast and watch the entire world pass below me and a robot of me does all my daily functions. i think dailing should be a word because i just wrote it a second ago by accident. i would write dailing in the dictionary and come up with a meaning for it. it should be close to daily but different, very much different. if i could float above the pool on a cloud im pretty sure more people wouldnt drown. like anyone does anyway... but what if. that proposition freaks me out. i have daydreams about saving people and being on the nightly news. except then people would resent the famous cool white guy. i cant win. unless i won the lottery twice... i heard a guy did that once. lucky guy. i bet he was white hahah. im feeling sinister. its such a nice word, agreed? la la la la la la la.

i think its time to sleep, no. time to give up, maybe. maybe its just tool time. hey, its always a possibility. saddam is on the television again getting his teeth examined. whats up with that guy anyway. beards were so 1990's. mmmm. i really shouldnt have to take this. all my other options are crumbling though. logic says one thing and my mind says another (though they are usually on the same page) and my heart says something that i believe is from "when harry met sally"... although ive never seen it, really. i cant really get close to people because things wont work. maybe im cursed. maybe in my past life i was the tree they hung jesus on. that has got to be bad karma. see, anyone i think i could be close to either has a boyfriend or doesnt. one of the two. or maybe i dont know. but ill never ask. and if there is an opportunity, i will find a way for it not to work because my feelings are fickle. or fuckle. cause fuckle is cool like that. maybe i dont like that kind of dancing. maybe i have no other option. maybe im not sex-driven for once. when i see a girl the first thing that pops into my head may be that she has a pretty face... i dont think of banging a piece of that fine ass. i dont talk to the guys about it. its just not me. so pretending i am having sex on the danceroom floor surrounded by other people doing the same thing isnt my idea of a good time. i came for prom because its what you do, not because its an orgy. get over it people. i should have been alive in the fifties. or the sixties cause im pretty sure i would love those drugs back when they werent so dirty. my opinions about people change in these situations. its lethal because i cant really talk about it like i usually would. my heart is on my sleeve for most people, for the most part... kindof. there are a few of you anyway. and the one person i actually mean by that, you arent the case at the moment, hun. and the other one i could mean, we need to talk... and meet in person.

if you have read all this then well... you have far too much free time. other people with far too much free time invent things or save people or something... productive. you are a lazy bum. probably fat too. get up and buy some weight loss pills fatty. haha. i love being skinny. please dont hurt me. sigh...

apologies for the last tangent. if anything, this will clear my senses because after writing this much i dont really feel the need to write for another week. haha, good for me, maybe not i dont know. if you enjoy this kind of stuff then i guess you are out of luck cause im going to hate to cover this one up. i think all the juice is down here at the bottom. all that shit about white guys and god was just crap clotting up my brain for a while. so disregard it all. i am discreditable at best. maybe i will just write for another thirteen minutes because its healthy like that. ive got time. maybe just till i listen to the rest of this album. whichever comes first. i burnt the album from songs i stole off the internet. i dont think i pirated them because i dont give them to anyone. selfish like that, thats me. we are such boring people. like an old couple already. its funny tonight, suicidal others. dont question me. if you are an artist, i salute you and apologize for stealing your music but hey man, its all for me ok? i enjoy things myself. maybe someday i will be an artist and make money and donate some to you. maybe. if i still like you. of course, anything can happen by then right. and im just another slightly talented self-taught guitarist that can play stuff other people write. dime a dozen you say? i agree. its nice to have company. maybe i should listen to someone i havent listened to in a while. neh. nah. neh. whatever.

hahahahalalaalalalalla. its so lovely tonight. im writing as a bandit because its the way i feel. its an affair. youll all see someday. head boppin and i dont care. since you went away everything is looking great. i shouldnt plaigerize but hell, i dont care. if the artist cares, he would have to read down to here and sue me. so sue me motherfucker. haha. theres nothing, theres nothing, theres nothing. i have no idea what to write anymore but i must. i must i must i must. because i have three fucking songs left. saying three reminds me of that kramit the frog and big bird comdedy sketch about sesameo street. thats some funny shit man, you should listen to it. really you should. my fingers keep tapping tap tapping and i direct them from my brain which is upstairs. it is the man upstairs so you say. it is a man because i am a man. and i am because it is because if it was not then i would be was and we really wouldnt have anything to worry about in the first place wouldnt we. you see its all simple like that. like faulkner would say, "my mother is a fish." right on faulkner. now to go take your pills hun. i just called faulkner hun hahaha. oh yeah, hes dead. maybe i should go drill holes in his face. talk about poetic justice. he deserves that. he probably doesnt have a face anymore. like that guy in hiroshima. i would sure hate to be him. this just keeps on going and going and going its the energizer post. i have a good mind to delete it all right now but instead i will save it because thats what needs be done. there is something like thirty odd viruses on this computer and i would hate for one to but its ugly little worm head in at this moment because i would lose all this lovely writing, these pretty words. i write pretty words dont i? i dont want to lose this all so... save. there. cool beans. cool beans are nasty. narsty. and nasty. i need to start a new paragraph. angela likes paragraphs.

there was a bood, a bird, lost in class yesterday. that was one wicked awesome pretty burd. bird. birds often learn to say 'pretty bird' as a trick but they usually arent very pretty birds. this one was in reality a pretty burd. bird. but i doubt it actually spoke. tragedy. oh what to do, what to do to do. its no joke, your face is bleeding. haha look at you with your bloody face. i sound british. bloody british hahaha. fucking brits. oh. this has been all nonsense for a long while now. and im two minutes overtime already. jesus christ hope i dont get busted. ive been writing probably for an hour straight but thats impossible because i should have so much more written if that were the case. driving music helps though, helps distract i mean. all i ever meant to say was hey, white guys have it bad. yeah, right on. musics done. power down.

tragically, i must be leaving. it was nice having a good old one sided conversation with you all tonight. you are a lovely audience. maybe i will do it again sometime. i love you all. goodnight.