i have no idea how i am going to write all these words down... there is no coherent thought pattern in my head right now. things scare me. im nto a jumpy person but lately things frighten me. extraneous noises... boxes opening, parts of songs ive never heard before. its all frightening. i dont know whats happening. i went up to my room a while ago with a book in one hand and my cd player in the other. the plan was to listen to some comforting music while i read some cause the downstairs is a fuckin... area. i dont want to be here standing down here not being able to sit on things because they are... dirty. and i dont need lights right now... fuckin lights. that was the plan anyway. just to go upstairs and enjoy that for a while. without people... fuck people. and shut that fucking door. i go upstairs to do some reading because i dont get to read much anymore cause reading isnt part of my schedul ethese days. just playing guitar and working and baksetball and all that other shit that doesnt really matter because reading is too time consuming and enjoyable to get accomplished much. dammit i hate that fuckin balloon. so i go upstairs to try and read some and ive got my candycane robe on htat must be thirty years old but i dont care its not mine anyway. i get in my bed and try and get comfortable but theres always too little or too many sheet sannd i just cant get comfortalbe. even now i notice that i cant function because my neck is spazzing and tight and it hruts and i dont know what to do about it except deal with it and get on with the fucking reading etc. so i put on some music some calming music that i havent listned to in a long itme and try try try to read that damn book but i jhust cant. the light is on tand tha television is on and some stupid moronic sitcom is on (like family i think) that i really dont give a shit about. so i read maybe a paragraphy of some essay that i really want to read but find out that i really cant do it. not now the light is too damn dirty and yellow and its killing me. so i fold the page again in the same spot it was before but a bigger fold because i almost missed the last one and put it down by my pillow where my head is. and i watch the television and listen to the music and try to voiceover the music on the television but all i can think about is how i havent heard this song in so long and it just wont work and helllll its music man, soaring bleating, music but it isnt loud enough. so i turn it up a bit and im thinking of how good it feels to be sitting there and if i close my eyes i can have super-in or out of body experiences because i float abvove or crawl inside myself depending on the cycle of my psyche at the moment. but i cant do it anymore because i think too much and i cant touch myself anywhere because that makes a double-sensation and i cant handle that at the moment. so i think to much and i cant leave my body behind like i want to and in the background that music that wouldnt submit to the book is soaring and lashing out at me cause its agressive... much too agressive for me and i really didnt expect it to be like this but it is. so i have to stop touching my hand and concentrate, really concentrate on crawling out of my head because my mind has trapped me in there right behind the eyes so all i can do is be there and try to sink down to my lips or crawl out through my hands but i cant do it. so i turn up the music some more and reach over to turn off the light but i cant cause the cord from my earpieces gets caught undre my arm and it almost pulls it out but it doesnt and i rearrange it and touch the lampopost which turns off the light and its dark in the room except for that damn fuckin tv show but i can close my eyes and forget all about that. because while i close my eyes i can see the music and every single angry layer of it and every guitar string and piano note attacks my head from the inside out because it is my very own brain that is vibrating and singing along with it. the voices in my head rape me... rape is what itfeels like because they arent supposed to be there so deep inside me and i can only imagine what it would be like... and all the time i am obsessed by every new sound because in the background there is an electronic buzzing sound that i had never heard before and i concentrate on that one sound because that is all that matters because i wil never see or hear it again and all the while bombs are exploding in my room because i can see them on my eyelids cause all the light from the television is boxing my eyelids and its an airraid and my eyelids are the blackout blinds on the windows and i am crouched down in the very back of my head watching the bombs from the safety of my head and the music is so amazing because i had never really listened to it before. and i cant take the bombs anymore so i reach over and with great effort and many tries i tuen the tv off and its dark again. dark except for the small amount of light coming from my almost closed door and the stereo across the room that lights up your puicture every now and then but thats not what is consuming my attention right now... its the sounds of the fury. i pull my hat down over my eyes like some redneck grandfather rocking on his front porch in alabama and lay there with my spazzed neck on the pillow and the book down beside me but the book doesnt matter anymore and i have long forgotten about it because it doesnt matter and im not touching myself to prevent the double-sensations that are too much to atke and i reach over and turn it up louder and louder and louder because there is no limit to what i can snese and hear when the music is coming from inside me anyway and i try to stay still but i am still trying to crawl out my fingers and i cant so i sway around in the back of my head right and left but i am sucked back to the front, to my eyes, because my eyelids start to twitch the music is loud and i cant stop it and i dont want to because i am out of body in my body and cant think except what to do next which is of no consequence. but the song ends and i fumble with the buttons and try to find it but i cant and after a cou ple passes i find a new one to hear and commence the dangerous slope once agian. cause i can lay there inside my head all night long and comepletely groove to myself all thes ehtings i do. and its just me inside my head and that sinister voice that comes out of nowhere at all that keeps talking to me in music and i can still see the piano keys rolling from left to right across my mind and every guitar string that is plucked and im bouncing with the bass because i can see that further down in the hole that leads down my neck and i want to follow it but it picks itself up in the background again and the other noises move to the foreground because tehy are agressive and want attention. this is the last hting i wanted. as the song ends i freak out. i sit up quickly and feel like sweating but there is no sweat adn no clamminess just me sitting there and i realize that i must turn off the music quickly or be sucked back in so i manage to pop the right button just in time and i just lay there violated with the remnants of the music buzzing in my ears. like some inversion of all the sounds i had heard just buzzing and tripping overthemselves and i must get out of there so i slowly pop the earpieces out (with much difficutly) and try and fold it all back up and slide the cd player back in the case but it is so difficult because of all the extraneous sounds are so far away now and not inside my head like what was so comfortable and i cant see these sounds and im back stuck and cant move inside my head at all and its horrible and lonely and i must pick myself up and come down here to the dirt and the grime and dirty light so i can write it all down.