found a couple minutes to write today after an english test and realized i wasnt feeling anything to write about. not really feeling much of anything at all. its a strange sensation, to be empty. not even empty, just the lack of feeling solid. nothing hurts so yeah im blessed for that. relatively then, i feel good. its not often though that you specifically feel good in any area. so not feeling bad could be a plus. if i think about it, i can feel the pressure of my feet on the ground, my ass on the chair, and of my hat on my head. you just dont ever notice it. i can feel that im wearing clothes... i just forgot i was. i just dont feel anything inside. the space between my ribs is just dark space. i would be hard pressed to believe there was anything living in there unless i saw it. cant even feel myself living. after a while i guess we all develope an immunity for feeling alive. its easy to take for granted. that isnt to say i dont appreciate it. i have a wonderful song in my head (and not a day less will do) and am surrounded by people that i consider pretty good friends. nobody i really get excited over when i see them though. nobody here makes my heart skip a beat. nobody here makes me notice that im alive. maybe if i were to have that picnic now or get in my car and drive. i know where i would go. that would make me alive for sure. but none of these are options. my options involve following the rules and figuring out a way to live between them. well.... for now anyways. in case you were wondering, my hand is cramping (left one). i guess thats a start. i have solid hands, woot. ill work on the rest of me later. ive got forever to start feeling alive. then again, death sounds so exciting... ironic aint it? forever...

peace yall