ive got nothing to do... nothing at all and its more than i can bear. ill wish i was back here tomorrow when im at school. when im old i will wish i hadnt wasted all my fertile years sitting here on my arse frittering away the time. but no, i cant do anything because there is nothing to do. the air is so heavy and my lungs are so tired of sucking it in and sighing it out... im so sick of breathing. im ready for my heart to beat a new rhythm but it isnt cooperating. the air is so oppressive. it holds me down some days. i cant get up because the air isnt like rope or weights... no, its a blanket that offends you and probes you and rapes you there on the couch because its big and bad and invisible. thats when gravity kicks in. gravity is big and bad and invisible too cause its quicksand for the air. gravity keeps me grounded and i resent that. i want to fly up to the light air that is cool and crisp and reminds me of apples cause its so healthy feeling. the kind of air that lifts you up... that turns gravity into your friend. the air you want to eat and drink and bathe in is right there but above the facist blanket of dirty discolored air that molds your best comforters. water is like air because it is just air bonded with air. you always fligh higher single. water is crisp and like an apple but also cold like jello and warm like waste. ive lost touch with the part of my memory that knows whether it was a dream or not... those couple times i could breathe underwater. it was like i could look at the surface from down there and still suck air and i have no idea where it is coming from but it appears there in my lungs instead of the water. the water is always nice in those dreams... always like an apple or some fruit punch that doesnt make you all sticky but rather beads up and runs off you like... water. reminds me of dirty light, that dirty air. yellow bulbs and light that blinds you when you look at it but makes you sick when you look at everything it infects. clean light would make all the difference in the world but nobody ever pays enough attention to make the distinction or the effort to purchase clean light so i live with the shit all around me. grungy... i live with tan walls because after staring at them, dirty light doesnt make all that much difference. by then my mind is so cloudy and filthy and filthy and fucking filthy with this hitler air and piss water and old fashioned light that nothing really makes that much of an impact anymore. why cant i get clean again? dammit boy i wish i knew. as for now, ill be in the other room with the gum-crusted decade old furniture cleaner and a dust-caked yellowish cloth.