its a night for writing, definitely a night for writing. but its not a night for motivation of writing. nothing to get me motivated. we had festival for band today, big whoop. i accomplished sixty pages of reading on the bus. why? because id rather not be an ass. not that i didnt sing along to myself to the rousing rendition of 'hotel california'... but i also didnt respond when it was mentioned that lynyrd skynyrd needed to die (oh wait they already did). no yelling at the busdriver that he was going the wrong direction or otherwise being a bitch. nah, not today. the music, however, was better. yes i still hate the music we play but today it at least felt good. like it was flowing through me. my fingers would move on cue with about half the brain waves required to normally command them. so i was sitting there on stage being judged from all angles just daydreaming to myself while i was playing. it was wonderful really. then in sightreading we kicked ass... although i did get criticized for not separating certian notes enough. fucking perfectionists. ttc was cool though - im not really used to mallratting it with people. but mallrat is what we did. we didnt really have a choice, an hour and a half respite from the bus to wander about. i ate a $6.50 chinese plate that was good but still made me feel violated. feels sick to donate that much money to people that just scoop chicken out of a bin and plop it on a plate. yes it was good... but i think half the fun is the illusion that you might actually get permeated with funny from eating 'bourbon chicken'. by the way... massaging chairs hurt. i dont give a damn if they are swedish. the swedes make good (expensive) cars but maybe they should give up on massaging chairs. seriously. besides the fact that all my friends left me and it was, after all, a band trip... not so bad after all. it was a gorgeous day outside today. i mean brilliant in every way. a tad bit windy but sunny enough to make up for the chills with a small dose of ambient heat from the cracks in the pavement. im always scared i dont appreciate them enough. its easy enough to look up at the sky and the hosue and the trees while im dragging the trashcan back to the basement but to really enjoy it is something i havent done in a long time. it feels like lying to myself to call playing basketball outside 'enjoying the weather' because in reality im not focused on the weather a bit. although focusing on the weather would make a good excuse for a bad shot. i wouldnt stoop that low though, no. and being alone is lovely. it is in ways anyway. playing basketball alone is one of the underrated parts of life. every time i try during the afternoon my sister will invariably sniff it out and find me to annoy me. it just puts me out of the mood. i would feel guilty for leaving her and going back inside if she werent my sister. but she is... and we all know how that is. its also nice that the days last that much longer. summer is definitely on its way. no complaints from me, the pool is beckoning. i miss all the kids and the tans and the 'free' food that really wasnt supposed to be free. really though, anything is free if you try hard enough. bad example... i dont think i would make a good role model anymore. too destructive (mentally mostly) and emotionally fucked. hard times for white middle class guys eh? no? ok. i saw a quote today on the boards that really amused me. it was for the acc's first team ugly players. for sean may the guy wrote "sean may - does he want fries with that? of course he does." i laughed. its good to laugh, releases inner stress. i bet bill clinton laughed a lot while he was president. ahh ok dont let this get too random. i need to get back into form while writing. i want to do essays and abstracts and things like that. it always ends up as just another one-sided conversation. just me and the phantom on the net. it is always like that but i would really like to change it. not tonight though, its too late tonight. my hands are tied permanently. theres nothing real i can do with people. id apologize for flirting if i thought it needed to be done but usually its all just part of the game. the game is survival for teenagers. hormones and the like. flirting is the thing to do, so take no offense and i would appreciate it. and smoking... i think i would if it werent so damn harmful. just feels like me. i believe i am a smoker at heart if not in health. ive known people died from it. wouldnt let myself do that. so thats it... my life. it feels like such a waste sometimes. im not going to change the world. i wont cure diabetes, hell, i will probably die from it. im not going to be any star athelete or famous musician. theres only so many people you can touch from where im sitting. theres only so many brain cells you can burn. my very own daydreams make me sick sometimes. i dont claim to understand how my mind works but sometimes it is hard to accept the fact that we might lead different lives. there just arent paths that i care to cross... lines in the sand i wouldnt touch. but there are also ideas and theories and emotions. revolutionary emotions that can change who you are to the core. these things are important, mind you, but often i dont waste enough effort cultivating these revolutionary ideals into reality so after a while they burn off with the rest of the wasted calories on my skinny self. its all a matter of time before anything happens. its all a matter of time because invariably it will still happen and we will still be surprised and blame it on the instant and not the history leading up to it. it is our fatal flaw... not realizing the inevitible before we can use it as evidence. we cant change the course of the future because the course we live is the course we make day by day. there is no way to know that it was changed. if you hadnt caught that bullet then someone else would have. it is just that simple. it must be hard to live that way... knowing that you arent that special. it was time for a person fitting your description to be born and it turned out to be you. lucky i guess... well... depending on who you are and your own personal view on life anyway. we need to fight this destiny and turn it against ourselves. im not saying we have any power over the workings of an omnipotent god but there may be a chance still that we truly are "floating around on a breeze" as they say. this isnt anti-religious but personally empowering, knowing that you are still in control of your destiny. predestination doesnt exist around here. that died off with the calvinists. not in my house anyway. so there. take it or leave it.