people make up too great of a variable in real life. there is no way to rationalize... to predict... to gamble on people. any minute event changes feelings, changes emotions, changes relationships. to some extent change is healthy but to others it just isnt. people play too great a role in life. without sociality, our psyche's would shrivel up and crawl into a corner to die but with the people variable... it is more suffering than anything. like it or not some people will consider your feelings when you dont want them to and others will walk all over you when you need them most. some will draw you in and others repel you and you will never know why. your variable is as fucked up as anybody else is. a rational person is rarer than a true friend and just about as worthless when you are staring down the barrel of an irrational person's gun. the people variable is what makes marriages end and facists tyrants. it causes happiness when you least expect it. turn-ons and turn-offs are unreliable because of it. miss america isnt a rational person.
but most of all the people variable causes suffering, pain, addiction, withdrawl, sacrifice, and honest to god worthless confusion. the people variable fucks me over every single day. drawing off one or both of two people the singularity is enough to kill you. drawing off the mass reaction and popular sentiment of the day the multiplicity is enough to kill you. and both tend to walk on carpet with socks and shock you whenever they can. and there is nothing you can do about it. you can take happy pills to keep you awake and booze to keep you asleep but eventually you will snap out of it and realize that you were never really happy or sad to begin with. you were just bored.
i blame all my pain on the people variable. maybe all of a sudden a certain action of another person will turn me off completely. the hardest thing in the world to do is continue on the charade. so i stand up... find something else calling my name... and walk away. walk away feeling like the icecream box after a long hot day. everybody reached in and scooped out what they like and now the icecream box walks away with a dazed glaze in its eye. yes, thats me. or i could walk up and learn how close someone felt to me at that moment when i was approaching. it doesnt help to rationalize because the people variable doesnt take into account any specific thing you were promoting. so dont worry. shut up and kiss the girl. or lick the frozen flagpole... same difference. this is the people variable we are talking about. this right now, this heartburn in my side, this sickness that i feel isnt because of anything but reactions to people. good reactions, bad reactions... it is like a dream. maybe someday i will see a construction worker step on a flower and something will die inside. i would rather that happen than deal with the people variable. at least then there is something immediate, something identifiable, something to deal with. flowers get stepped on in every conversation and i would never know it until that sinking in my stomach starts again. that relentless hopeless worthless feeling that all my flowers were born with numbered petals. just to be systematically destroyed when the time comes for me to find something to appreciate in life.
and the utter uselessness of worrying about things. it is sickening also how the variable resets. anything less than a true event will be dead to me the next morning. of course i will remember the way i feel right now when i wake up in the morning. of course i can read these words tomorrow night... but will i be able to recreate the feeling? no... not unless the variables of whoever i come in contact with allow me to do this dance again. every day i wake up and try and feel but i cant. there is no use in trying to hurt if you dont. some people might call it unhealthy. but it is the only constant i know and its all i have to depend on when things get rough. my pain is better than your pain. and in the morning when you complain, what am i to respond with? but sorry... ive got nothing. havent been awake long enough to realize the fickle world hates me just like it did yesterday and the day before that.
it is natural to carry about reminders of things you care about. whether that is a picture or a charm or a gift or whatever. is it worthwhile? that is all a question of whether you have anything to look forward to or not. you could have something to look forward to until the people variable kills off any chance of happiness but then what about that picture? can you really stand to throw it away? chances are against it. unless a fit of rage dances in and happily disposes of the evidence then you are as fucked as the next guy. everyday life isnt a business trip. not everyone has that happy partner back at home caring for the kids and waiting desperately for your return. to most people these mementos either carry minimal meaning or symbolize the pain they cant live without. that irrational behaviour (i like the british spelling) that fuels our normal lives tends to plant some irrational little parasitic seed of hope. that seed of hope will grow into a vine that thrives off your emotions and wraps itself around your neck and balls until you up and die. there is no other way out of it. that is, unless you free your balls and burn the picture and destroy the charms and renounce the gifts and get the fuck over it. but who wants to do that anyway?
people make more pain than happiness. that is a tough fact to argue. maybe that is why cats are so appealing... they dont think. they dont care. they couldnt give less of a fuck who the hell you are as long as you tend to their wishes and feed them periodically. cats and dogs simplify things. there isnt so much a variable in predicting the behaviour of a house pet. its healthy to know that unconditional love is another name for apathetic dependancy. i really hope you realize that. the human variable is so hurtful and wonderful because it truely means something. it is a hard thing to get over and an impossible cancer to remove. after all... if we were all cats and dogs instead, we would still have to lean on each other eventually.
but most of all the people variable causes suffering, pain, addiction, withdrawl, sacrifice, and honest to god worthless confusion. the people variable fucks me over every single day. drawing off one or both of two people the singularity is enough to kill you. drawing off the mass reaction and popular sentiment of the day the multiplicity is enough to kill you. and both tend to walk on carpet with socks and shock you whenever they can. and there is nothing you can do about it. you can take happy pills to keep you awake and booze to keep you asleep but eventually you will snap out of it and realize that you were never really happy or sad to begin with. you were just bored.
i blame all my pain on the people variable. maybe all of a sudden a certain action of another person will turn me off completely. the hardest thing in the world to do is continue on the charade. so i stand up... find something else calling my name... and walk away. walk away feeling like the icecream box after a long hot day. everybody reached in and scooped out what they like and now the icecream box walks away with a dazed glaze in its eye. yes, thats me. or i could walk up and learn how close someone felt to me at that moment when i was approaching. it doesnt help to rationalize because the people variable doesnt take into account any specific thing you were promoting. so dont worry. shut up and kiss the girl. or lick the frozen flagpole... same difference. this is the people variable we are talking about. this right now, this heartburn in my side, this sickness that i feel isnt because of anything but reactions to people. good reactions, bad reactions... it is like a dream. maybe someday i will see a construction worker step on a flower and something will die inside. i would rather that happen than deal with the people variable. at least then there is something immediate, something identifiable, something to deal with. flowers get stepped on in every conversation and i would never know it until that sinking in my stomach starts again. that relentless hopeless worthless feeling that all my flowers were born with numbered petals. just to be systematically destroyed when the time comes for me to find something to appreciate in life.
and the utter uselessness of worrying about things. it is sickening also how the variable resets. anything less than a true event will be dead to me the next morning. of course i will remember the way i feel right now when i wake up in the morning. of course i can read these words tomorrow night... but will i be able to recreate the feeling? no... not unless the variables of whoever i come in contact with allow me to do this dance again. every day i wake up and try and feel but i cant. there is no use in trying to hurt if you dont. some people might call it unhealthy. but it is the only constant i know and its all i have to depend on when things get rough. my pain is better than your pain. and in the morning when you complain, what am i to respond with? but sorry... ive got nothing. havent been awake long enough to realize the fickle world hates me just like it did yesterday and the day before that.
it is natural to carry about reminders of things you care about. whether that is a picture or a charm or a gift or whatever. is it worthwhile? that is all a question of whether you have anything to look forward to or not. you could have something to look forward to until the people variable kills off any chance of happiness but then what about that picture? can you really stand to throw it away? chances are against it. unless a fit of rage dances in and happily disposes of the evidence then you are as fucked as the next guy. everyday life isnt a business trip. not everyone has that happy partner back at home caring for the kids and waiting desperately for your return. to most people these mementos either carry minimal meaning or symbolize the pain they cant live without. that irrational behaviour (i like the british spelling) that fuels our normal lives tends to plant some irrational little parasitic seed of hope. that seed of hope will grow into a vine that thrives off your emotions and wraps itself around your neck and balls until you up and die. there is no other way out of it. that is, unless you free your balls and burn the picture and destroy the charms and renounce the gifts and get the fuck over it. but who wants to do that anyway?
people make more pain than happiness. that is a tough fact to argue. maybe that is why cats are so appealing... they dont think. they dont care. they couldnt give less of a fuck who the hell you are as long as you tend to their wishes and feed them periodically. cats and dogs simplify things. there isnt so much a variable in predicting the behaviour of a house pet. its healthy to know that unconditional love is another name for apathetic dependancy. i really hope you realize that. the human variable is so hurtful and wonderful because it truely means something. it is a hard thing to get over and an impossible cancer to remove. after all... if we were all cats and dogs instead, we would still have to lean on each other eventually.
posted by sunshine at 10:20 PM
1 Comments:
In the third paragraph, you say, it is like a dream. How do you know it isn't a dream? You seem to have a fascination with dreams...watch the movie Waking Life. It's all about dreaming, and people's theories about dreams, it's very philosophical, it's great, I love it, but that's no guarantee that you will. Anyway, you should watch it.
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