badbye

how does a good night turn into a sad night? i sat for an hour talking on the phone in the parlor with my legs propped up on the table, slumped down in the chair. even the downstairs "nip it in the bud" RA didnt say anything when he was on rounds. happy. watch some guys crack a coconut and be the one that drinks the milk when no one else wanted to. happy. wander over to the library to do next weeks work because im bored. walk around for twenty minutes not finding anyone, finally settling down in a comfy chair overlooking the entire place. still pretty happy. finding everyone else on the other half, sitting in an uncomfortable chair writing a paragraph in french. yeah, still pretty happy... though listening to ben harper... :)

realizing like last time that the paragraph is about someone in particular... that its easier to describe some other lost soul as my ideal romantic partner instead of making someone up. writing it all down in what everyone calls a beautiful language... writing it all down. its not fair to write down those things that happened. doesnt do them justice. just brings it back to the forefront of my imagination. i know she isnt happy. i know im not. i know it doesnt matter because the more i talk about it, the less good it does.

i was sitting in the library twenty minutes ago feeling much like an island of noise. listening to my music. being productive. good happy music makes me want to cry every now and then. maybe it reminds me how much i want a daughter someday, maybe its a song for a friend i never speak to anymore. maybe im just so damn happy and caught up in the ebb and flow and organic rush of the notes that its too much to keep inside. i dont know. often, i dont understand where im coming from. just that i wish i were there.