sitting here listening to music i havent heard in years and never knew existed when i might have appreciated it for what it was and it is funny. laughing at myself. the hook brings you back. always haha. i find myself, otherwise, in a peculiar situation. for all i know everybody has been there. for all i know im one in a billion who's mold never broke. but for all i know its just me in my own little known universe here in my city with my acquaintances. suck it in suck it in. my life is a cult b movie. slow with flashes of brilliance that by other standards may... suck. my acting is only adequate and the special effects are non-existant. but i do have a story. one worthy of a feature film? doubtful... too common. but for a flash-in-the-pan b movie? i make a couple friends just being myself. held on to a couple too if only i wouldnt let them go. its days like this that burn me. i have been called a work in progress before. maybe that applies in more ways than intended. he didnt know anything about me.

so what about me? i thought i knew what love was but i was mistaken. it isnt something you create yourself. love is the egg. love is something that hatches inside you in spite of yourself, not because you were looking for it. ive lowered my expectations. been cut short, ripped off, and left out to dry. all metaphorically speaking because the entire soap opera was imaginary. its just the way things work with me. now i find myself in the precarious situation of being stuck in the middle with(out) you. here listening to 'eye of the tiger' in a perfectly rational logical boring state of mind. nothing phasing me, coloring my cheeks, blurring my vision, or whispering in my ear. none of that. ive been told i have flashes of brilliance. that was an actual quote that i referenced a minute ago. brilliance isnt quite the right word though. flashes of irrationality would be more like it. things still remind me of you. and when those things do i see a side of you i dont get very often. one that smiles and laughs and isnt tired or beat or busy or hurt... just the relaxed at-ease you. flashes though, my logical mind has killed the everyday you off. tragic isnt it? stuck between you and her. now with her i see the happiness but also the darkness. im not sure how i would handle her. she is not my ideal companion at the moment anyway. too much caught up in a life i dont share. i dont even envy it much. there is a relationship too. i dont think it would work. caught in the middle alone. alone... yeah ill be all right. im just lonely.

point being, i need to get out of this place. which may well happen in due time assuming i get into and find a way to pay for college. college is a place i can pretend i know how to handle. i can have relationships and bullshit my way through them. in college i will have a past and not a shitty one... one i write myself. a respectable cult classic b movie past. i can get by with that. that and my old where-was-i-then music. or should it be where-were-you-then? i havent decided. pack up my old t-shirts and hats and guitars and myself and leave this place. leave all of you. all of you leave me. scatter across the country. you will stay with the river. she will find you... or stay home. i will go somewhere in between. far away but here still. somewhere not here but still... here. in general. not impossible. you keep telling me i can visit when you move out of the house... away from your family. you love them but the both of us might take some getting used to. its ok, i get it. maybe i wouldnt bet on this postponing though. as you can tell, after two weeks incommunicato i am practically over you. i might not want to come. bet you didnt see that coming. blindsided - pow! yeah well there it is. i might rather lie down in the middle of the quad and stare at the sun until i go blind or develope a heroin addiction or whatnot. you cant stop me. muah.

i came to the conclusion long ago that it was much more wonderful to be loved than to love. the thing is... you cant really appreciate it unless you love back. it takes two. reminds me of freud rambling on about couples being completely independant and indifferent about society. i dont know how i feel about that. i dont remember how he felt about that. i want to try it though. i also want to try sushi. maybe later. in college. love to freud was sex. sexual pleasure and libidos and eros and lots of crazy shit. love to me a year ago was a fictional connection to someone else that agreed they would say they loved you too. it was your idea. yeah thanks. perhaps the best response back then would be, "thank you, but... no." if freud was right then we were wrong. maybe i was wrong. i dont know what your agenda was. no sex, no lust, no fucking companionship. that wasnt love. whatever flashes i have now arent love. i am convinced love is something more. it has to be. or else there isnt really anything to live for. whatever i had that i labeled 'love' isnt enough for me anymore. so unless you are willing to do something about that... i dont know what to tell you. the flashes will stop eventually. this will all fall down. even if you were the last beautiful girl in the world.

forget about a point, there isnt one. i continue to be stuck in the middle. whether i do anything about that isnt really an issue with me. im lazy so i will take the next opportunity offered. unless i am not ready which is always a chance. everyday is a funeral. i might just be scared. scarred. your fault entirely. im not blaming you though. who will i take to prom? it will take a hot car to attract anyone... ill work on that. ill never fall in love again. right on. fuck the future. i should be happy with what i have now. a couple friends i tend to go days without talking to. a personal life with population: me. an exciting/boring car. a guitar or two. and this blog. there isnt much else to me. without you. with you i was using my imagination, you remember, like on barney. self-content with all i had and all i was because of that. not anymore. maybe i should start smoking. would complete the package, no? i could make it a game. how long until i am fully and tragically addicted... and then how long will it take me to quit. then, anxiously, i can wonder if i will ever die from this disturbing habit. just looking to extend the flash in my pan. with or without you.