therapy... the only reason to write tonight. i hurt so badly at the moment. some sick pain that started in my stomach and wound its way up to my mouth. deep, deep pain. pain that if i close my eyes i can see. a black hole in my belly. so much more... dimensional than me. red tinged on the edges. eating away the nether-area between the stomach and the lungs and occasionally creeping up to inflame and burn the throat and mouth. i dont know what this is. i can feel myself imploding. i wouldnt entirely mind it. maybe this demon will work its way out the blister in my foot. the worlds a blister. oww...

and deeper than this cancer is a worse cavity. i am reminded in painful flashes how it felt to be loved... which only leads to loss. not loved anymore. its always been good, better than good, to be loved. somehow ive managed to fuck that up. maybe it was you. i tend to blame myself though. makes me want to cry. the things that arent there anymore... i didnt consider when all this fell down. i always thought i would have these things. but theres nothing there. have you moved on? without me? im not over anything. in the future i will call this a learning experience. i will be lonely then too. ah subside, please, subside.

relax, please. to myself, to everyone. you dont have to be assholes. not to be cool... not to be human. i drove home slow today. got in the right lane and stayed there. i played my tasteful rock music but tried not to annoy anyone. ive always wanted a bumper sticker for people that play their music unbearably loud. it would say, "thanks for sharing...". i tried not to get off the line too hard at stoplights and still probably looked bad. one i was behind a flagrant red whale tale mustang and ahead of a new gold tribute. i managed to keep my distance from the stang but still outgunned the mazda by a wide margin. felt bad. he probably thought me an asshole. hell, though. everyone cant like you. i guess it is the thought that counts.

nobody said it was easy. its such a shame for us to part. the pain is leaving. drained. emotionally and physically. this song was written for me. they just didnt know it. back to nothing. cancers gone. i want to apologize to everyone for being so sad. ive been through a lot lately but its no excuse. i dont want to write one-dimensionally or for you all to have to read sad words all the time. i know i wouldnt want to. in the scheme of things im lucky. still just another unloved middle class white kid. ill work it out. figure some way to get past myself and over everyone else. no worries. it just seems to futile some nights. how hard is it to let go? how easy is it to move past someone like me? why cant i ever write anything so beautiful it would make me cry. this song is terribly overplayed. i resent that. nobody deserves it. in the grandest scheme of things i dont even matter. this will all fall down. of course it will. everything will. sooner or later we will all die. nobody will have the last laugh. but there will also be brighter days and better times. all we can do is live for that and nothing else. if you focus on the bad the greater good loses meaning. just love and be loved. its all there is.

i wrote a poem in band today. it started out as something i wanted to say and ended up complete shit. it always happens. i start out something wonderful then try and hold the theme to fill out a full poem and not just a couple lines and it ends up shit. and so it goes...

new days on the risin
lay back down and watch the sky
hills up close turn mountains
alone i stand and face midnight
walk away from your name
find my own new dawn to free
sunburst on the summit
lost faith in your gravity
ghosts haunt me no longer
blind eye to my old mistakes
new days on the risin
no regrets for my own sake

oh well... shit happens sometimes. so does beautiful music. hopefully im in for more of the latter than the former. i still need money. somehow... and im not sure. so maybe someday i will be able to produce and reproduce this release at will... because it is a release to not hear or listen but feel the notes like this. every one of them. before it has led to disastrous things... but i wouldnt trade that. not those memories. and as suddenly as it began... the song ends. it wasnt one to play twice. over exposure taints the beauty. so i was surprised when it ceased to be. continuous play didnt hold over. beautiful. and at the same time a chance to converse with the source of my grief... and love. which one i cant say for now. just that its been a while. hello again.