that kind of night

im the kind of guy that can be excited after a football loss at nebraska and disappointed after a win against ecu. one we played good football with mistakes, the other good football for a half and shitty ball the other. i dont even want to talk about it right now.

my parents came today. just for a visit, you know, sort of neutral territory. we all know it here but its still a matter of showing them around like its a tour. its difficult because we get along so damn well. its hard to face them for a visit like this. i either want to stay here alone or go home with them. i miss my kitten. doesnt help that they both choke up when saying goodbye. just makes it so damn difficult for me because i feel the same way. im fine when im here and fine when im at home but the transitions... to die for. or from...

im a difficult kid to deal with. i know i am. i wish i knew why. naive i guess. i always feel like im searching for love, need to find it, somebody to love, someone to love me. but i cant handle it. i need love, not a girlfriend. at least thats what it seems... unless its someone that i feel the same way about. i dont know anybody here well enough to make that judgment. i miss my high school girls. the ones i knew. i tend to fall in love with my best friend. its happened two and a half times. my own series of unfortunate events. the wrong girls... or the right ones in the wrong situations... who can tell? its the kind of history you wouldnt relate to anyone you were thinking of having a relationship with because it would scare them away... unless they were involved. then its just a part of life. dealing with me. i cant believe i am one to be dealt with.

i just want to get to know you. not have to search for your name. its true that i stand in my own way. just waiting. still waiting.