you better be happy now

i was supposed to start writing an hour ago, before i got started talking about everything i just spoke of. and i was sitting in front of the fire and it was wonderful but it got too hot so i moved to this cool chair. and then i was watching an interview and talking but i turned the tv down and put on the music. i forgot that it did this. landon pigg was singing but he was singing what i was listening to, which is, he was an accordion. i couldn't look there and i couldn't look at the screen and i couldn't look at the chair so i closed my eyes. and i knew that what i saw was important and heartbreaking and more meaningful than anything i have seen in years but since i knew it, i corrupted it. and so i had to open my eyes again and talk some and close them again. it's hard to explain. i remember in the mountains i lay in my sleeping bag on the floor and listened. i never fall completely asleep when i do that, just forget and fall into the music. there's a certain way it looks to me, like nothing else does. i'm pretty sure i skipped this song back then, because there's no way to prepare. i wrote a journal for sociology this past week about my life in twenty years. it was full of money and cars and houses and holes and i hated it. i know what i want. i know why it wouldn't work. i know.

and there's a couple songs
that absolutely aren't songs at all
i don't know what they are
i can't even think straight
it's like each note moves a paintbrush an inch further
and it's a picture of her



i'm proud of you.

{is that transparent? it felt transparent.}