a lot of my posts lately have started with a comment about not writing lately. i hate it but it continues to be true. it seems ive turned into some lazy devil that thinks of things to write all day and never has the time nor effort to set them to life at night. makes me wish i had a laptop or something that i could whip out and jot down notes or some incentive to put my thoughts down more often. oh well, life goes on. whatever gets down might do someone else some good so ill keep coming back.

alone again tonight. no blame on anyone but myself of course. its fall break, you would think that i would be out doing stuff or having a good time with friends but thats just not the case. i guess i could have enjoyed the company (and food) a few days ago but balked at the situation and missed out again. i guess im used to it by now. sometimes i wish i would do more about it. it doesnt help that i have developed some dependancy on realizing some personal value to other people. i wonder why that happens. it seems to me that one of the consequences of being close to someone for a while is that a subconcious craving for attention is planted inside. even getting semi-accustomed to a particular person appreciating your company is dangerous. amplified for the people who had previously embodied the anti-socialite or who simply grew into an apathetic personal life for silly or theoretical reasons. theres no denying that it is a beautiful thing to be appreciated but the truth is that it makes us greedy for love and the lack of attention washes us in bitterness that does nothing for regaining our special titles.** it is my ever changing opinion that focuses on the solution to this problem. obviously the answer is apathy but that is a sacrifice as well. the emotional numbness that such social apathy causes may or may not mean more to you than the combination of the warmth of love and the hell of cold social rejection. as always, however, complications arise. it starts that vicious cycle of bitterness and the struggle for attention. if you choose to play the field (in a vague way) in high school or in life, whether intellegently or riskily, you will get hurt. i am a convert of the belief that high school relationships are crap. i used to save myself the pain of "love" and the complications of the inevitible split but i moved away from that. i still believe that almost none will work out but now i feel that the deep love of a friend is worth the risk. the problem (long in coming) is that once you choose this path, the lines between the warmth of love and the cold of rejection blur to indistinguishable and real time emotions. if it makes you feel better inside to have feelings for someone else brooding then thats fine. it amplifies daily events. when that person speaks to you it is wonderful, the attention is priceless, it could melt your heart. you need more. when they hang out with someone else it is a blow to you personally. the fact that at that point they prefer other people to your exclusive company. it may not mean a damn thing to them but to you it is an attack and a loss that you are angry about. it is an emptiness that cant be filled with anything you can find. logically, at this point people turn bitter. maybe you dont speak to them for a while, maybe then they will get the point and let you forgive them because you still hunger for their attention. like it or not, relationships are like that. the insecure will never have the strength to move on in life. obviously these non requited relationships cant be too healthy. the beatles once wrote "youve got to hide your love away."

How could I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in

its not use to confront society in such a state unless you are strong enough to control it inside you. they arent your enemy in society but rather your peer who will make the same mistakes and feel the same way at one point or another. pity them. youve got to hide your love away. nobody has to know. sometimes the worst thing in the world is for people to take your life and deal with it for you. its your love, your situation, your problem... not theirs. if you are strong enough or at least have the self control it might even be worth a low key relationship. sometimes it is enough for people just to know they are cared for even if it is just words. theres a fight between this and the physical relationship most people desire. even if there isnt "pure" love, all the needs are fulfilled by sex and lust. herein lies most of society. its the way most kids live through their young lives, striving for the popularity and "love" that they need because without it their personal value is relatively slim. remember... this seems to be where i am at. it isnt that i cant outthink the cycle but that it is natural to get caught in this spider's web. perhaps it would be easier to let go of this life and its attachments and relegate myself to the apathetic side once again but i dont see that happening any time soon. the pain is too precious now to live without.

**{this may not apply to all people. hell, those sparkling elite of high school society, the shallow ones that attract the similar in depth much like a queen gathers bees to grow fat, you know the ones. somehow i doubt that they would notice if someone stopped talking to them or that some bond had been broken, some insignificant bridge burned. it all falls along the wayside. i never claimed my generalization was bulletproof and i know people who perfectly embody the aristocracy in the self-imposed hierarchy of popularity that genuinely care. those are the ones i strive to be, not the one with all the praise but the one that cares.}