little cats are the devil. just watched the episode of that 70's show where eric gives donna a promise ring and she gives it back and he breaks up with her. i could try and draw some parallels here but i really dont feel like it. it feels much too obvious... even if it isnt. guess what im doing fine. it is strange because i dont understand why. i like things to be rational, to make some sense but this doesnt. i thought i would be a fucking basket case for a good while but it hasnt happened. i am conspicuously absent of too much bad emotion. maybe sad emotion but just trace amounts, nothing that amounts to anything. and i dont feel like writing tonight, i dont have that drive that produces work like whats come out the past couple times so if you are looking for magic, i apologize but it isnt here. i am writing because i havent in a while and i feel like i absolutely must or i might burst, not because i want to. clearly theres a difference and i havent decided if this is a line i should cross or not. should i write more often and perhaps not get as much out or less often and really make it mean something or more often and really try to make it good even when im not in the mood? you could call it some sort of practice in style even though its almost patently sucking the lifeblood out of other far more notable authors. thats all i am.

but, i have come to a realization that im sure ive had before but never really appreciated. im not even sure i do now im so used to living with it. my reality is that i have no real true best friend. surprise, there is nobody that i really want to tell my entire life story to every night. i have plenty of wonderful caring good friends but none that i would consider my best friend. i have no soulmate. guy or gal, either. i had a best friend once after freshman year but that just ended up twisted and i cant say i can communicate with the kid like that anymore. i thought i had one up until now but as far as i can tell she just doesnt have time for me anymore, just doesnt care about me as much as i do her. and thats fine, nothing i can help, i would just like to really connect to someone in that immensly healthy way that best friends do. i have people i can talk to out of state but they dont make the best best friends simply because its impractical. cant always be there when you are never there. im not saying any of this particularly bothers me although i really would like to find someone. im scared that if i found that soulmate and it was a girl i would fall in love with her which i know cannot be a good thing. or maybe it can, i guess i cant base my experiences on a single case study. wouldnt be smart. anyway, thats about all about that.

so like said, forget the beautiful babble tonight because it isnt flowing. conserve the energy and maybe ill write something worthwhile another time. still was healthy i guess to get something out, a time filler maybe, to seperate good posts with something less than two weeks time. who knows, maybe i will have something important to say tomorrow night. never really know.