at the beach... not so sure what to say. im getting really bad at this yall. i see things all the time, hear things, feel things, think, get, dig, be... and i want to write it all down but i never have the chance. im thinking i should just go john mayer on life and carry a camera around. well maybe anti-john mayer in the context. i never liked that kid in person but his music is alright. just alright. he always seemed a bit stand-offish. an attitude i couldnt put my finger on, never was able to catch him red handed but never liked him for it either. whatever...

regardless, i need to remember this stuff. my father has a voice recorder he god a couple years ago for christmas from his own mother that he never used so i might have to steal it and stuff it in my pocket, always ready to figure out what to say when its fresh. maybe thats the answer. maybe photos and words, a combonation of the two would be the archived genius i am looking for. because i certainly dont have all the words now that i had back when.

a couple things i do remember, though. these being the parts of life that are moments only but the most important because the rest of it is not nearly as beautiful - admit it - unless you are really into that sort of thing... and i have before but now is really not the best time. i could say much more on the subject but i really dont think it would be a good idea.

i drove the first half of the trip (to kinston) fucked up on tryptophan and swaying a little. staying in the lane but all in fun. makes everyone else nervous. my mother says i will get pulled for that. my father sees a cop and realizes that twelve over in a fifty-five is too fast. wonder why he never noticed until he saw a cop... figures eh. since it gets dark at maybe... five these days (strange that is... nights feel so long) he drove the rest of the way cause i didnt feel like it. curled up in the backseat with the mp3 on some really really - you dont even know - ah wonderful music and a new c&d magazine. finally leaned on the window on my hand and fell almost asleep. close enough not to even appreciate the best song go on past. enough awake maybe to aknowledge its presence and realize i should appreciate it but without enough power to actually... well you know. get it. i had this vague idea of where we were but not enough to mean much. my father poked me from the drivers seat in time to get me to look out the window. for the first time in as long as i can remember we were crossing the east bridge to the island as the sun was setting over the inlet. i have never seen anything so beautiful (in nature, mind you) in all my life. the water glowed and the little scrubby islands and sand dunes were mere silouhettes, paper cutouts, against this powerful palette. i cant even begin to tell you... the colors stacked on the horizon, shimmering with waves and atmosphere. yellow to this brilliant burning red, brighter and oranger than any blood... more of a fruit color. but magnified a billion times a thick stripe across the sky. raging against the dying of the light. just as magnificent, on the left side the full moon was out and reflecting back at us deep blue and silver on the sound on the other side. we were driving slowly over a ridge between the two. the priceless transition between the light and the night. both equally brilliant at the same time. and descending into the urban jungle darkness of the island hurt... just as my song faded away. ah - it was too much to bear. if only i wasnt such an asshole later on. marred such a night.

this morning i took a stroll out to the wire-bound stake fence that seems to hold the beach-grassy ground back from eating the big whispy sea-grass dunes. you could tell from various gauges inside that the seaward side of the place (being insulated in a horseshoe) was a good ten degrees cooler than the mainland side. definitely the place to be. and my god - it was gorgeous out. bright blue sky, a couple bleached clouds, deep blue sea... yeah man. but as soon as i stepped out it was clear, even without the wind, the air bit my face and soaked my hoodie. not a human in sight. i sung to myself walking out there, checking out my reflection in the doors i passed. i walk leaning backward. i would say i am the reincarnation of shaggy from scooby doo. mixed with beck, forrest gump, and ringo starr of course. you know it. first time, though, i have really been cold without a stiff breeze. midday too... its winter. that realization, damn, its winter. so not many people were out on the beach, i didnt even stand out there long seeing that as soon as i escaped the protection of the five-story horseshoe i was bound stiff in place by a chill breeze. brilliant though, sun on the waves, people fishing, boats circling. finally some woman walked mechanically measuredly out from a bypass through the buildings in a warmup fleece and earphones tucked beneath a matching toboggan. typical, survival gear for the beach in november. she didnt really look at me and i didnt really give her much credit either. late twenties maybe, better stay in shape, kid. i murmered something like... 'god bless us all' as i turned to leave but i dont really know what to think about that anymore.

tonight i got near the same treatment, i guess, from the night before. its a spa for the eyes. i walked out with my mother to get out of the house. same place as before. past the high-tensile thick rusty wires ground and holding the people on the other side. construction in the off-season. my timing was impeccable... hell, i swear it was. not that i had anything to do with it. soons i stepped off the porch it was easy to find the little scars in the sky, growing and expanding and diminishing all over the place... the faint thick tails of the jetplanes from cherry point. counted one two three - a clawmark - to six or eight of them all at the same time. drawing some picture of power and might high in the sky for every nation in the world to see. but no, the really astounding part was, again, the sun. we rounded the corner of the field of vision of the conclave just as the top of the sun dipped below the watery horizon. again, the shifting waves against the brilliance of the fading sun. raging. dying. reflecting over everything in sight. you could see the red-purple of the sun move almost imperceptibly from the bottom of the sky, behind some clouds, to sitting on top of a deep evil blue on the opposite side. waves crashing, people scurrying around... fishing still. my mother thought she saw something fishy in the ocean (what are the chances of that?) so i turned to see. the red fins she saw was a pack of dolphins playing just outside the breakers. everytime they would surface the glistening black of their lazy dorsal fins would glow a slick deep red. bloody brilliant.

so i thought yall should appreciate this. whatever i remember of it anyway. i still have more posts and thoughts saved up for other times... better more deserving nights. maybe by then i will have more to say than just describing the glory of god's nature. maybe next time i will have a camera by my side since you cant be here. god bless us if you could be, though. a recorder at least. just searching for authenticity wherever i can find it. i found a rough bound version of a book my uncle wrote (apparently) back in the day. no date or anything, never published i guess. i had no idea. how do you write that many words? i will figure it out someday. i guess you guys will just have to look forward to it eh? haha, nite everyone.