life in general

i heard i needed to post this. felder's ex-day assignment written last night.

two thousand more words... nice eh?

sitting down yet again with all the autopilot turned off word to muse and type to my heart’s content yet another felder x-day assignment. im going to miss these when the time comes. and this ones a good one too… looking forward to the future. hell yes, this is something i have thought about before, think about every night almost in fact.

yeah, the article is pretty sad. i can see how that happens for a lot of people though, start out with dreams of grandeur and end up with whatever they never thought they would end up with. the sad desperate realization that time is short and you never had a clock. oh to find those lyrics in my head… oh god, they are so perfect that i must paste them all… yes wasting space but the hell with it.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine
Staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long
And there is time to kill today
And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to nought
Or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desparation is the English way
The time is gone
The song is over
Thought i'd something more to say

so there, i agree. (pink floyd – time) i figure i wont ever let that happen with me. i wont ever wake up and realize that my life is mostly behind me (even though it might be and i just wont know it until that truck hits me)…(but that’s a sad thought). no, i have a plan. yes, that singularly will prevent me from a life of depression. i have worked out the logistics, barring any unfortunate happenings, and am betting the farm on one simple complicated beautiful thing – but i will get into that later.

the first thing that came to mind when i read the question about preventing the bleak life is to simply be hooked on some fun drugs for a long time. but that isn’t practical nor healthy and ultimately will probably lead to a shorter and less fulfilling life to begin with. nothing i know anything about anyway. so i wont worry about it. all that matters is what is important to you. if that’s money, then get yourself that good job and enjoy whatever the fruits of whatever labor you do is. or if you are like me – mass romantic fools – then what you need is the love of your life. for the longest time now all i feel i need to have a complete life is a soulmate. i know that is a helluva lot to ask for but i think i deserve it too. i mean, i am a good person, a decent human being, and am simply in need of that one person to completely satisfy my every need. and what those are i am not sure of but i kindof figure that i will know her when she finds me. yeah and from the blog a couple days back…

“i dont expect you to understand, i dont expect anyone to understand but i do. someday you will return a glance and frighten me to the core and it will be beautiful. it always comes to mind, that what i really need isnt what i want, that i need a lover i dont have to love. the enigma in a girl that would mean nothing but everything in relative terms. its all in who you ask. i want a lover i dont have to speak to, wont have to struggle to understand, a simple hand to hold and a passing glance in verse.”

and i quote myself. i hate filling up the page with words i already wrote but sometimes they just apply.

i feel like i could be the happiest i will ever be with a hand to hold. one i wont ever worry about losing because we would be so perfect for each other that all of our collective needs will be provided for. that’s another thing i have always prayed on… to be as much a blessing on all those i love as they are to me. so it would work out assuming all that falls into place someday. i don’t really want to wait forever to find her but it should be worth it. but that is just me, mass romantic fool, it makes perfect sense.

i have a materialistic backup plan too, though. well not a backup plan, but something to sustain us both. i always hate it that when i look forward to years ahead i think of the things i will buy with my wonderful job and money and really enjoy life that way. i have confidence in this because i know i am capable of just about anything i want to do. so i am going to go to college (for sure this time) and graduate and go to graduate school and become some sort of doctor. now, this would all not quite function if it turns out that being in the medical field is just not something i am right to do or i find some dream job that pays nothing and am forced to change my entire focus to accommodate. i am not being selfish, though. so assuming i accomplish all this i will be a doctor by my mid-twenties and making lots of money that i will use to accomplish tasks that i enjoy. like building a house for my one and only and myself. and building a ratrod like i saw in the magazines this month. i will collect cars and drive the shit out of them like they were meant to be and go to track days and sell them all again. i wont be some rich stuck up bastard. i can be good, i promise. i have lots of time to spend with the family once i really make it in the business and can support my kids in college and on.

i want to be recognized someday, write something important. maybe i will end up publishing this blog thing as a memoirs… so i will keep it up for as long as i like too. its all good, though. i will play music. guitar or sax or any multitude of instruments i desperately want to learn because music is beautiful, desperately beautiful. piano, banjo, mandolin, steel string, yes the stringed ones are wonderful. i am already pretty adept at the regular guitar so maybe that will develop into a really nice way to spend the time. i will have to wait and see.

insert two and a half hour break

my train of thought disintegrated long time ago so i will continue anyway… i am inherently afraid that what i plan to happen wont work. this cannot come to be, that i might end up a paraplegic or poor or have to find a new way to be happy with whatever life i end up with. i always want options. theres this conundrum that i want to work to make the money to support the music and the cars and the houses with the families and traveling – my god, traveling, yes! – and what if i die halfway through making the money and before i get into the best stuff? then again, the best stuff is that soulmate, just cant count on when she will show up. and all the time, attending church because the afterlife seems risky and wow, i want to base jump too. need money for that. and to buy my hotrod ratrod whatever and learn how to build it. i want to relax and not have to worry about anything anymore and i want to survive that far.

first, college. moving out, big deal.

graduate school, bartending? paying my way through that. living in an apartment?!?! away from home for real. this future is now, i just never realized it. college is simply the transition.

to live with no regrets… is nothing short of phenomenal and if you have the state of mind to be happy then its true that less can get in your way but it aint impossible either way. then again, anybody can still be happy if they wanted to be. my notice to register for selective service came in the mail yesterday. so what if mr. bush decides he needs 100,000 troops to conquer Antarctica? that screws with my plans. maybe i will end up a politician after i retire. just to prove that intelligent people can make a difference. i also have considered putting a couple years into the peace corps… i just don’t know when and don’t know how or even if that is something i could handle. rewarding experience or not. i want to travel but why not do it in school? and i plan to… be in Europe in college in Venice and Vienna and London at all the former embassy houses wake forest university can offer me (jynx).

back once in elementary school, i might have been in second grade or so, we were to draw a picture of ourselves in the future, in other words, what we wanted to grow up to be. of course there were doctors, firefighters, policemen, ‘marine biologists’ (popular profession somehow… i never understood it but probably wanted to be one at least once) and the ever popular veterinarian. well at that point in my life i wanted to fly a plane so i drew a picture of a crop duster. well, being a crop duster aint exactly what i seem to need to be right now. cant finance no vintage E-335’s or big block ’49 chevy trucks. unless i find one and dig it out of someone’s backyard. right.
well i have reached four pages. this seems like a nice plateau. there are still questions i haven’t answered yet though, check the sheet – shall we? hmm what would i say ‘yeah, i did that right’ about? well for one, i want to say i led my love life right. i want to find that one gal and marry her and be with her for both our lives. that is perfect in my opinion, one perfect wife… soulmate… more than that. one. that’s how i will be happy forever. however, i can assume that other things i did right too. like get my eagle scout award while in high school and represented that well. i want to do that right. and live right. and not be stupid or put others at risk. i want to be who i want to be. someone anybody can come to and be perfectly comfortable with and talk to and solve the problems. i want to help people any way i can, whether volunteering or giving money to the homeless with the stipulation that they help themselves and then help someone else. i want to be recognized as someone that enjoyed his life and was a blessing to those around him always. im not sure that has much to do with a career unless something specific comes along but still its pretty nice to dream eh?

(but we aren’t talking about careers, we are talking about life. that should tell me something. i need to work on my priorities. bring things up from the backburner. have some tough realizations and begin to do things right. even if its no different from how they would have happened anyway. it would be healthy…)