one step ahead
so i have gotten used to averting my eyes one step ahead
i am almost ready to get it over with. end it or rekindle whatever wet paper flame you drew on my wrist so many months ago. i am tired of feeling like i am overreacting or underreacting or any measure of reaction as if you are giving me something to react to. i cant picture it being the other way around, cant fathom that much, that you may just be rebounding off me. it doesnt work that way, this is your selfishness, not mine. i hate myself for wanting you back and hate it that i could be so happy with you by my side again, though distant as a friend. you were never more to me than a friend, holding my hand when i never meant for you to. always caught the hints didnt you? too long ago, though, have you forgotten? you were the one, the only one i could relax with, sit with and open up to, argue with and make giggle, all perfectly warm and comfortable and in speculation, very very happy.
but not anymore. seems i have lost that one which i could turn to and somehow can still find the words to hate but not the drawn-up courage to let go. if you love someone let them go. i cant begin to express the beauty and dumb simplicity of the used and torn line but in all reality, it doesnt work that way. its never easy to pry that last finger loose. i cant help but think it will be my cold dead hand that is so stiff.
so whats it going to be? rhetorically, over the airspace, knowing you wont even never hear me, its easier. pretty eyes, pirate smile, its difficult. it had been almost a year since i was happy in your prescense for an extended period of time. sucks dont it? and to think we promised never to let that happen again. guess you really have changed, then again, i probably have too. i just never expected us to end up that different. always counted on closing the door real slowly when i leave the room and watching your eyes follow mine till the crack vanishes around them. never really thought i would lose that which was my only real connection, sounding board, oddball, and piano all in one, all at once. all over what? you never told me.
i keep writing the words i know you will never read
i am almost ready to get it over with. end it or rekindle whatever wet paper flame you drew on my wrist so many months ago. i am tired of feeling like i am overreacting or underreacting or any measure of reaction as if you are giving me something to react to. i cant picture it being the other way around, cant fathom that much, that you may just be rebounding off me. it doesnt work that way, this is your selfishness, not mine. i hate myself for wanting you back and hate it that i could be so happy with you by my side again, though distant as a friend. you were never more to me than a friend, holding my hand when i never meant for you to. always caught the hints didnt you? too long ago, though, have you forgotten? you were the one, the only one i could relax with, sit with and open up to, argue with and make giggle, all perfectly warm and comfortable and in speculation, very very happy.
but not anymore. seems i have lost that one which i could turn to and somehow can still find the words to hate but not the drawn-up courage to let go. if you love someone let them go. i cant begin to express the beauty and dumb simplicity of the used and torn line but in all reality, it doesnt work that way. its never easy to pry that last finger loose. i cant help but think it will be my cold dead hand that is so stiff.
so whats it going to be? rhetorically, over the airspace, knowing you wont even never hear me, its easier. pretty eyes, pirate smile, its difficult. it had been almost a year since i was happy in your prescense for an extended period of time. sucks dont it? and to think we promised never to let that happen again. guess you really have changed, then again, i probably have too. i just never expected us to end up that different. always counted on closing the door real slowly when i leave the room and watching your eyes follow mine till the crack vanishes around them. never really thought i would lose that which was my only real connection, sounding board, oddball, and piano all in one, all at once. all over what? you never told me.
i keep writing the words i know you will never read
posted by sunshine at 11:53 PM
2 Comments:
do you play guitar? cuz i'd bet you'd be pretty good at writing songs.
heh, yeah. two years and no lessons... still about enough to master dave matthews though.
writing music is a bitch. the words arent so bad but damn... actually i just kind of accidently created a little 'experimental' thing. its on an acoustic that i sit flat on my lap. not sure that counts though haha.
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