theres a sad groove stuck somewhere in the forefront of my imagination. its been there before, i dont even know what song it is from anymore. just a single piano going down. maybe off the last track, funny cause i didnt even hear that one. might have been yesterday i thought, it would be nice around now to be autistic. not worrying about being social or falling in love or falling. not to demean the disorder at all, of course just... i feel bad for not doing more and i get scared to do it. i dont even know why. least of all i want charity. what i want... so much. none too easy. i want you back without lifting a finger. because i am not needy. what i want... i want you to want this back, to miss me, and know that even though i dont have any words to say to you, i want the opportunity.

i want to take disadvantage of someone. be charitable. the opportunity. i want to not want anymore. for some reason or another i make my life harder to live, i do it to myself. self-destructive when im not even aware its happening. i dont want this to be all i write about. myself - so selfish, dont you think?

step back a bit, i see, i see
the bigger picture is too large to be
lay waste my shallow fears
in red and yellows, stretched spheres
not a danger in so few to me
just excuses my pretenses clear

so what if i never see you
last year was good, before the blue
and after the show, though beautiful
my hopes and fears plentiful
you held my hand but didnt mean to
its on you, my lifes far from full

the last i want to be is anyones burden
more the beast of someone dear
if i should be caught unawares
my failure would be quite clear
i never know whether to look or not
shuffle step or scratch my nose
to walk past you without hello
hate and remorse looping grows
and everyday, everyweek, in time
sit by the window looking out
cornerwatch through chinese eyes
the back of your head shout
'i dont want to see you anymore
i just dont give a damn
it was nice back then, ill concede
but ive changed too much, man
its not my fault however much it is
just my choice to let go and keep
those things that hurt you all day long
its only your job to breathe
so let me be, please, and someday you
will find the strength to hate me too
for all ive done and continue to
the end, kid, im through'