everybody wants to leave here
around the last corner of the train circuit of the meadow lights there is a pig. a relatively new set of lights that alternately bobs its head up and down and has a curly pink tail. it made me think of you. you know who you are, the one kid made me write tonight so... in a way this post is dedicated to you.
im aware, its been over a week. this isnt so strange, though, what with exams and christmastime creeping up on me - is it really time? - and i always have so much to say and always think of here but never take the time to sit and pound it out. always easier to rest by the fire and play guitar to myself through those old stereo headphones of my dad's. reminds me... i need more money to pay off that new one i am picking up after christmas. yum. i havent even responded to an email that i have been waiting for looong... damn me. and that book i was a third of the way through, they took it back because someone had requested it and i was late renewing it. the bastards. oh well, i got a new one. that and a backup of car magazines and wuthering fucking heights. jesus... so christmas is really here.
i shouldnt get off topic. even the last post i posted wasnt really a post at all... just some story that nobody commented on anyway, yeah thanks guys. big help you are. about meadow lights. every year the family takes an excursion that takes us to some amazing christmas lights show. tonight, we went to meadow. we left the house and as always, i started counting christmas decorations out my window of the backseat. sister had forgotten. it was almost sentimental when we started that old competition because, though it wont be, it felt like near the last time since i am going to be in college next year. we didnt stick around this time, though, and by the time i hit 55 (she was at 66) we were on the freeway. i had no idea where we were going and instead chose to look out the window at the sparse subdivisions along the highway through the trees and try to legitimately make out some lights or decorations. by the time we hit meadow thirty miles away i was in the lead something like 106 to 96. but what the hell, that holds no bearing in the bigger picture, so on to meadow.
apparently every year in this tiny little town they have a huge lights show complete with general store, snack bar, santa clause, and a train tour. i had no idea - and i cant get this fucking kenny loggins song out of my head. give me a number, please. going out of town you hit a big traffic jam where all the cars have their headlights off. you slow down to look and pass houses detailing the life of jesus christ. the manger scene, him preaching, last supper, carrying the cross, being crucified, rising from the tomb... the whole deal. meadow had to steal a helluva lot of mannequins to pull this off. jesus was made up to look deathly for the crucifiction, looked a bit halloweenish to me, creepy. sorry, jesus. real elaborate nice stuff and plenty of lights.
up ahead theres this huge parking lot filled with cars and people milling around and its cold as fuck and i have on a tshirt covered by a warmup jacket - whiffle jacket - didnt think we would be leaving the car at any point in time... wrong. dad bought us all $2 train tickets and we waited in line, in the cold, in the wind, thank god it wasnt raining... till we got on the train - a specially built lawnmover - and rode around as one of about four cars - there were three trains - around this four acre or so plot of land filled to the gills with lights off all kinds. more lights than i have ever seen in one place (almost). it was incredible and sad at the same time. ridiculous too. but enough about meadow. we stopped by the general store on the way out to see what was inside. by the time we got there it was pretty much cleaned out but there were still a couple hundred barrels filled with all kinds of candy there. old candy, stuff my parents remember. the entire place smelled like festering sugar candy, like you can imagine if a little kid got all sticky with hot circus peanuts, like that. nasty. we walked around and on the way out bought ginger ales. some german name. the girl that sold them told us they were hot, spicy hot. jesus, almost alcoholic. stuff bites, warmed my mouth and face all the way home. the girl herself was mannish, indian looked to be. friendly though. we tried to take the country highway home but somehow got lost. ended up in coats. but from coats we could find angier and knew our way home through fuquay etc. i love the country. i hate kenny loggins.
i almost wrote a song today, halfway there i guess. its hard work. workin weekends. workin hard. meh. its just four chords, one of which i made up, all similar, and one with a little riff to it. simple eh, but nice. if i could only write some wonderful random words i could take some overdrive into it and make a nice jam at the end. beautiful i know. something different than jack johnson and dave matthews anyway. a breath of fresh air really. you are welcome, world. i am ready to make a contribution.
as for the party, wonderful, and thank you lauren. it hasnt been my bag really, in the past four years, these events, but i hope more do come along. i didnt dance, rap music still isnt my thing but sitting out under the stars with broken andy and the wes' and whoever else was nice. it was refreshing to hear that some people have never been high and wont because they think it makes people look stupid, nice to hear that kids dont drink because they are driving home, being responsible in general. makes me feel a bit more normal being as clean as i am. a bit easier to say no, im staying straight tonight, driving home and all. not so unusual after all. though i did sample the drinks, jim beam and orange bacardi in coke, vodka in sprite, and whatever the hell you handed me, kid, when you were drunk, bacardi in coke id guess. not nearly enough to impair my driving - which was fine, thanks - but nice to be a part of anyway. i hope you ended up alright, you were a bit odd there for a minute. if you dont remember, i will fill you in sometime. waiting for a bonfire the whole while, until another kid arrived. riding around with andy and his foot in that car, crazy. and the cops didnt show. climbing up in the loft to throw wood down into the field just to be dragged off and lit. the entire field was so fucking dry i thought we would all die. actually i thought i would survive because i was sober. i should write a book, "all the drunkards will die". a song popped into my head... where to bad folks go when they die? they dont go to heaven where the angels fly, go to a lake on fire and fry. see em again till the fourth of july. i could see it. even when we dug a ring around the fire area twice. i could see one ash flying into a weed and setting the whole place alight. no way to put it out, just smothering it with empty beer bottles and dirt. crazy. wes' dream, a big fire - big, fast burning, hot, wonderful - a hundred people gathered around, couple jumpers, trucks and jeeps backed up to it. wonderful. willy and his girl taking a ride in the truck with the tonneau down, crazy. good times.
i called a kid i hadnt talked to in a long time, by the fire. just to say hello, just because i knew i wouldnt get her, just to leave a message beside friberg's jeep with some random bass beat rap song filtering through, just so she could wish she was there for once, just to say hello. and theres hardly anybody i wanted there or anywhere else i wanted to be. wander back up to the barn, that garage, that foyer with yall drunkards so funny. its hard to know whether drunk kids are kidding or not, so not used to being around them. stories of drinking and different alcohols and their effects, but no smoking. strange, i expected more out of that crowd. even the ones i didnt know. yall rock.
and wake won last night, dirty game, dirty place, dirty refs. everyone against us. the refs, the announcers, the fans, the opposing team, everyone. sucked... but we won. should look good to the selection committee when it comes down to the selecting. yes, i know. win at the pit is a good thing. worse than last year at the joel. dammit boy i hope i get into wake. i think i will. damn well better.
though, to accomplish that, must get the grades. which means midterms. and thats something i have trouble dealing with. sometimes, what i know is true isnt true at that time, when i know the process but cant do the math, when the test is in fucking french. jesus, where the hell is everyone? i have enough music to last the night. just added and tagged 255 songs to the mp3 last night. excellent, fuck ipods. go zens. i would get more hits if i made all these posts seperate instead of compiling them into such a large mass of nothingness. people hit when you post more, i guess each post is worth a good two to three just of random blog searching. though, my percentage of hits from this timezone has gone down, thats what i like, to be split throughout twelve or thirteen different ones. not just everyone here reading about my everyday life. nobody wants to hear that. shut it.
but what else has happened since pious lightbulbs? not much to be sure. midterms, no writing, nothing significant since thanksgiving. ah - i dreamed about this kid. frustrating. i dream about everyone eventually. congratulations to all those i have already gone through once or twice. strange, even though i dont know you. its christmas eve! as i type anyway, the post will read 11:01 but i have been typing far over an hour. i just set it there because i like the 11 hour much more than the 10, somewhere in which i started. by now i am just typing words to type words, nothing more than inflating the count, meh, doesnt matter to me. this is all going in a book someday. i should offer money to whoever reads this line just to see who does. did that once though... made a friend off it too. not tonight, though. just let me know. i will be pleased.
listen, i know we dont talk much anymore. whos fault is that? i dont know. i have reasons all saved up for that right moment when you ask why things are different now. i hope it hurts. and you, kid, why arent we friends anymore? you have your own life, i understand that, but does that mean you can just stop giving a damn about anyone else? well not everyone of course but me. i still care. deep down i do but i wont show it until i get the feeling you are ready to want this again. you are still the first name that comes to mind when people pop that common conversational question, still doesnt make a difference, you still know, depend on this. well let me tell you, its leaving, soon i will stop caring, you will have fucked it up, when i stop counting silver cars i wont even let you know.
everybody wants to leave here. looking at schools up in new york, california, boston, virginia, south carolina, wherever. talented class, to be sure but why not stay? i am. not that i really want to... i want to see the world, or at least the north and west. but i love the south and the schools down here. wake has the highest percentage of undergrads studying abroad of any major research institution. a big pull. im going to london, or vienna, or venice... eventually i will make it there. before med school and all anyway. between drinks, or among them. i always figured that i shouldnt worry about the now, i will find my soulmate in college. like that will happen. i might never find her, then what? do i settle? wish i had fought harder for the here-and-now? like that will mean anything in the future. doesnt work one sided, has to go both ways. no way, i know. fuck you and your movies, you and your boyfriend, everyone and their concerns.
indoor soccer with the girls was awesome. i love not hurting anyone but knowing all of them are coming after you with no mercy. societal gender constraints dont apply. that little one kicked me. its all fun though, i could do it every week. not as competitive and assholish as playing against other guys. some of my guys got pretty cocky, thought we will do well come january when we play our own league... fucking straight. we will get raped, i have no confidence, the last season drained it all. in outdoor, maybe. we are the boston redsox. indoor, no. no chance. not that they want to hear that. i had a shutout, just like the outdoor season, my career in soccer a shutout, beautiful i know. too bad such a low production season. wonderful though, i would give anything to have it back. another ten games. another streak. oh what i would give.
i see you pop back into brilliant black but dont expect, never expect you to show, to come all the way back, rather fade to gray again. like always. so typical. bitch.
im aware, its been over a week. this isnt so strange, though, what with exams and christmastime creeping up on me - is it really time? - and i always have so much to say and always think of here but never take the time to sit and pound it out. always easier to rest by the fire and play guitar to myself through those old stereo headphones of my dad's. reminds me... i need more money to pay off that new one i am picking up after christmas. yum. i havent even responded to an email that i have been waiting for looong... damn me. and that book i was a third of the way through, they took it back because someone had requested it and i was late renewing it. the bastards. oh well, i got a new one. that and a backup of car magazines and wuthering fucking heights. jesus... so christmas is really here.
i shouldnt get off topic. even the last post i posted wasnt really a post at all... just some story that nobody commented on anyway, yeah thanks guys. big help you are. about meadow lights. every year the family takes an excursion that takes us to some amazing christmas lights show. tonight, we went to meadow. we left the house and as always, i started counting christmas decorations out my window of the backseat. sister had forgotten. it was almost sentimental when we started that old competition because, though it wont be, it felt like near the last time since i am going to be in college next year. we didnt stick around this time, though, and by the time i hit 55 (she was at 66) we were on the freeway. i had no idea where we were going and instead chose to look out the window at the sparse subdivisions along the highway through the trees and try to legitimately make out some lights or decorations. by the time we hit meadow thirty miles away i was in the lead something like 106 to 96. but what the hell, that holds no bearing in the bigger picture, so on to meadow.
apparently every year in this tiny little town they have a huge lights show complete with general store, snack bar, santa clause, and a train tour. i had no idea - and i cant get this fucking kenny loggins song out of my head. give me a number, please. going out of town you hit a big traffic jam where all the cars have their headlights off. you slow down to look and pass houses detailing the life of jesus christ. the manger scene, him preaching, last supper, carrying the cross, being crucified, rising from the tomb... the whole deal. meadow had to steal a helluva lot of mannequins to pull this off. jesus was made up to look deathly for the crucifiction, looked a bit halloweenish to me, creepy. sorry, jesus. real elaborate nice stuff and plenty of lights.
up ahead theres this huge parking lot filled with cars and people milling around and its cold as fuck and i have on a tshirt covered by a warmup jacket - whiffle jacket - didnt think we would be leaving the car at any point in time... wrong. dad bought us all $2 train tickets and we waited in line, in the cold, in the wind, thank god it wasnt raining... till we got on the train - a specially built lawnmover - and rode around as one of about four cars - there were three trains - around this four acre or so plot of land filled to the gills with lights off all kinds. more lights than i have ever seen in one place (almost). it was incredible and sad at the same time. ridiculous too. but enough about meadow. we stopped by the general store on the way out to see what was inside. by the time we got there it was pretty much cleaned out but there were still a couple hundred barrels filled with all kinds of candy there. old candy, stuff my parents remember. the entire place smelled like festering sugar candy, like you can imagine if a little kid got all sticky with hot circus peanuts, like that. nasty. we walked around and on the way out bought ginger ales. some german name. the girl that sold them told us they were hot, spicy hot. jesus, almost alcoholic. stuff bites, warmed my mouth and face all the way home. the girl herself was mannish, indian looked to be. friendly though. we tried to take the country highway home but somehow got lost. ended up in coats. but from coats we could find angier and knew our way home through fuquay etc. i love the country. i hate kenny loggins.
i almost wrote a song today, halfway there i guess. its hard work. workin weekends. workin hard. meh. its just four chords, one of which i made up, all similar, and one with a little riff to it. simple eh, but nice. if i could only write some wonderful random words i could take some overdrive into it and make a nice jam at the end. beautiful i know. something different than jack johnson and dave matthews anyway. a breath of fresh air really. you are welcome, world. i am ready to make a contribution.
as for the party, wonderful, and thank you lauren. it hasnt been my bag really, in the past four years, these events, but i hope more do come along. i didnt dance, rap music still isnt my thing but sitting out under the stars with broken andy and the wes' and whoever else was nice. it was refreshing to hear that some people have never been high and wont because they think it makes people look stupid, nice to hear that kids dont drink because they are driving home, being responsible in general. makes me feel a bit more normal being as clean as i am. a bit easier to say no, im staying straight tonight, driving home and all. not so unusual after all. though i did sample the drinks, jim beam and orange bacardi in coke, vodka in sprite, and whatever the hell you handed me, kid, when you were drunk, bacardi in coke id guess. not nearly enough to impair my driving - which was fine, thanks - but nice to be a part of anyway. i hope you ended up alright, you were a bit odd there for a minute. if you dont remember, i will fill you in sometime. waiting for a bonfire the whole while, until another kid arrived. riding around with andy and his foot in that car, crazy. and the cops didnt show. climbing up in the loft to throw wood down into the field just to be dragged off and lit. the entire field was so fucking dry i thought we would all die. actually i thought i would survive because i was sober. i should write a book, "all the drunkards will die". a song popped into my head... where to bad folks go when they die? they dont go to heaven where the angels fly, go to a lake on fire and fry. see em again till the fourth of july. i could see it. even when we dug a ring around the fire area twice. i could see one ash flying into a weed and setting the whole place alight. no way to put it out, just smothering it with empty beer bottles and dirt. crazy. wes' dream, a big fire - big, fast burning, hot, wonderful - a hundred people gathered around, couple jumpers, trucks and jeeps backed up to it. wonderful. willy and his girl taking a ride in the truck with the tonneau down, crazy. good times.
i called a kid i hadnt talked to in a long time, by the fire. just to say hello, just because i knew i wouldnt get her, just to leave a message beside friberg's jeep with some random bass beat rap song filtering through, just so she could wish she was there for once, just to say hello. and theres hardly anybody i wanted there or anywhere else i wanted to be. wander back up to the barn, that garage, that foyer with yall drunkards so funny. its hard to know whether drunk kids are kidding or not, so not used to being around them. stories of drinking and different alcohols and their effects, but no smoking. strange, i expected more out of that crowd. even the ones i didnt know. yall rock.
and wake won last night, dirty game, dirty place, dirty refs. everyone against us. the refs, the announcers, the fans, the opposing team, everyone. sucked... but we won. should look good to the selection committee when it comes down to the selecting. yes, i know. win at the pit is a good thing. worse than last year at the joel. dammit boy i hope i get into wake. i think i will. damn well better.
though, to accomplish that, must get the grades. which means midterms. and thats something i have trouble dealing with. sometimes, what i know is true isnt true at that time, when i know the process but cant do the math, when the test is in fucking french. jesus, where the hell is everyone? i have enough music to last the night. just added and tagged 255 songs to the mp3 last night. excellent, fuck ipods. go zens. i would get more hits if i made all these posts seperate instead of compiling them into such a large mass of nothingness. people hit when you post more, i guess each post is worth a good two to three just of random blog searching. though, my percentage of hits from this timezone has gone down, thats what i like, to be split throughout twelve or thirteen different ones. not just everyone here reading about my everyday life. nobody wants to hear that. shut it.
but what else has happened since pious lightbulbs? not much to be sure. midterms, no writing, nothing significant since thanksgiving. ah - i dreamed about this kid. frustrating. i dream about everyone eventually. congratulations to all those i have already gone through once or twice. strange, even though i dont know you. its christmas eve! as i type anyway, the post will read 11:01 but i have been typing far over an hour. i just set it there because i like the 11 hour much more than the 10, somewhere in which i started. by now i am just typing words to type words, nothing more than inflating the count, meh, doesnt matter to me. this is all going in a book someday. i should offer money to whoever reads this line just to see who does. did that once though... made a friend off it too. not tonight, though. just let me know. i will be pleased.
listen, i know we dont talk much anymore. whos fault is that? i dont know. i have reasons all saved up for that right moment when you ask why things are different now. i hope it hurts. and you, kid, why arent we friends anymore? you have your own life, i understand that, but does that mean you can just stop giving a damn about anyone else? well not everyone of course but me. i still care. deep down i do but i wont show it until i get the feeling you are ready to want this again. you are still the first name that comes to mind when people pop that common conversational question, still doesnt make a difference, you still know, depend on this. well let me tell you, its leaving, soon i will stop caring, you will have fucked it up, when i stop counting silver cars i wont even let you know.
everybody wants to leave here. looking at schools up in new york, california, boston, virginia, south carolina, wherever. talented class, to be sure but why not stay? i am. not that i really want to... i want to see the world, or at least the north and west. but i love the south and the schools down here. wake has the highest percentage of undergrads studying abroad of any major research institution. a big pull. im going to london, or vienna, or venice... eventually i will make it there. before med school and all anyway. between drinks, or among them. i always figured that i shouldnt worry about the now, i will find my soulmate in college. like that will happen. i might never find her, then what? do i settle? wish i had fought harder for the here-and-now? like that will mean anything in the future. doesnt work one sided, has to go both ways. no way, i know. fuck you and your movies, you and your boyfriend, everyone and their concerns.
indoor soccer with the girls was awesome. i love not hurting anyone but knowing all of them are coming after you with no mercy. societal gender constraints dont apply. that little one kicked me. its all fun though, i could do it every week. not as competitive and assholish as playing against other guys. some of my guys got pretty cocky, thought we will do well come january when we play our own league... fucking straight. we will get raped, i have no confidence, the last season drained it all. in outdoor, maybe. we are the boston redsox. indoor, no. no chance. not that they want to hear that. i had a shutout, just like the outdoor season, my career in soccer a shutout, beautiful i know. too bad such a low production season. wonderful though, i would give anything to have it back. another ten games. another streak. oh what i would give.
i see you pop back into brilliant black but dont expect, never expect you to show, to come all the way back, rather fade to gray again. like always. so typical. bitch.
posted by sunshine at 11:01 PM
4 Comments:
Your writing amazes me. I figured you'd find it a little creepy to have random people like me reading your blog though, but this time you'll just have to tough it out!
-Scott
nah - i love random people. they are my favorite ones... merry christmas scott.
Lil late now on my part, but hey man you too.
-Scott
Goodman Furnace Troubleshooting
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