another sunny day
happiness is... relaxing in preparation of impending relaxation.
ive found some of the happiest times i have had at wake this year have been lunches in the mag room, before a vacation. today, for instance. i had a french lit midterm at ten, the likes of which i can only pray about now, and organic at noon. but after that, after a slap on the back from sean and a reminder that we were indeed, done... everything was ok. and we walked to the mag room and sat down with friends, most of whom were also done. and you dont worry about getting out on time because there was nothing to do but pack up and head home, wherever that is. so we sat around one table and ate, joked, and laughed {i just close my eyes and try and find my happy place... oh... he found it}... thought i should remind yall of that one. got up and left when we felt like it, went to the deacon shop for a change. hell, i even found a hat i liked and bought it. that, my friends, doesnt happen every day. after a while, down to the post office with wipp... i havent spent time with her in a while, that was pleasant. and then to reynolda with wipp... and benson with wipp... and a hug from ko...
after a little final packing, i wandered out to student drive and sat for a minute or two sorting through some odd hundred cd's only to look up and see the shuttle driver right in front of me wondering if i wanted a ride back to campus. bless him, lord knows how long he was waiting there trying to get my attention. turn on some damn, damn good music... my god. and ashley was grateful for her ride. that really goes a long way, when someone is actually appreciative of a favor... but its nothing really, no skin off my back, my pleasure really. and just as pleasant to talk to her too. back on down to johnson and shes going down the hall recruiting people to help move how much stuff? a good five trips worth. oh but she's leaving a lot of it at home. mhmmm. so patrick, clay, shannon, and i {after grabbing a load of my own stuff, for starters} worked our way over to the other wing and loaded up with all kinds of girly bags. had a big girly parade down out front of johnson where i could drop my stuff off and hers as well. back in for another last load of mine and out where people were gathering between the two cars, fire lanes and whatnot, in a circle. i knew that nobody was ever going to get off with people all gathered around like that {try and make that sound clean...} and i was wondering where ka was, who was supposed to be there to say goodbye but was conspiciously absent. turns out she was walking toward johnson with darcy carrying some godawfullybig duffel back between the two of them. i suggested to patrick that we go carry it for them, such chivalrous gentlemen, and on the walk over he suggested we just jump over the back. go figure, i start jogging and jump over the bag, throwing a little ankle grab in for good measure. we are carrying this thing in johnson front entrance when i say to him, "you know, that could have been really bad, couldnt it?"... well yeah, i could easily have bit pavement right there but i didnt so whatever. long story short, we all laughed and joked and hugged and wished well and i put on some amazing music and left. my paragraphs are too long.
stopped for gas... what odd stuff happens. traffic was particularly bad, friday afternoon i suppose. lots of wake cars leaving. lovely. oh, but oh! the happiness.
packing and leaving, carrying ashley's luggage, saying goodbye to people in the lounge... it was the happiest i have seen the johnson community... ever. everybody was in such a good mood, so willing to help out, to smile, hug, wish well. it was amazing. everyone just exuded this excited looseness. i guess its that impending relaxation. everybody's got their something. the happiness stuck with me, as i finished out that album to be replaced with another, completely different. one i havent listened to in a year, probably, but knew every single damned word. i amazed myself. while 40 was hairy through g-boro, 421 south was nice. i love long highway trips because, so often, you will find friends out there. at least, its what occurs to me. some of these people, would draft, stick together. i dont know why. we would all pull out behind each other and keep together like buddies... lord knows. i was in convoy with a silver ford sport-track, a new white dodge magnum, and a new red nissan titan. it was lovely, really. after a while, the sport-trac exited and the magnum dropped back in traffic but the titan stayed with me till i got off at siler city, 64. and thats when the magic happened.
first, my favorite song queued (?) up in random. without thinking, i looked down to check the track, soon as it began, because it sounded so familiar. not only my favorite song on the album but one of the best, to me, ever. and i sang, as i had been for so long at that point... and still knew every word. now, i skipped over to the right lane leaving siler because some guy was in my way and noticed there was a small black honda civic coupe in front of me. one of those old two-doors with a little spoiler. i didnt recognize the plate but i figured i wouldnt anyway. a girl from my highschool drove one of those. i mean, i dont really see many of those anyway but i havent seen the girl since last summer {although i drank her vodka in the fall...} and i talk to her a lot these days so i pulled up in the left lane and gunned it, regardless of all the horror stories ive heard of small town cops and their traffic enforcement. and so it was. her, that is. i was amazed. i mean, i knew she went to g-boro and would be driving home the same way but i never really expected it to be her. that kind of stuff just doesnt happen, you know?
i slowed the car down a bit and sortof cruised beside her at the same speed for a couple seconds, the entire time looking right at her {no, not at the road... but it was pretty straight}. and, naturally, she noticed some guy almost passing her but deciding to drive right beside her and gave me one of those double-takes where the first small glance says "who the fuck are you? creep" and the next big, wide-eyed smiling face says "fucking hell, i havent seen you in forever, this stuff doesnt really happen!" so i kind of smiled at her and she kind of smiled and me and my stomach turned a knot i didnt see coming. but i pulled in ahead of her and waved {intentionally} like a big happy retard and she waved like another big happy retard from behind me and we drove for a while, together for the first time in... forever. we texted a couple times; she had bojangles and i had sunflower seeds and a lime pepsi. she didnt have a stereo so a couple miles down the road i called her, told her i felt sorry for her, and played her a song off mine, through the phone. im not sure how good it was, though, cause i was singing the entire time, and made sure to sing into the mic for the last verse just so she could hear me for sure. and when she finally exited some miles up the road she stuck her arm out the window in heavy traffic to wave at me and i did my best back. and the entire experience just made my week.
but that's not all!
upon arriving at home late, i jumped in the car with my mother and headed back into the city to meet my father whom i accompanied to a hell of a hockey game. the canes won, 5-2 as i semi-predicted and the entire thing was both entertaining and entirely wonderful. and i drove back and we got to talk and whatnot and when i got home there was three pieces of frozen white pizza waiting and i ate and was happy and yay.
but, seriously for a second, the best part of my entire day...
you. i swear, like i said, i didnt really plan on bothering you while you are out in wild, exciting california but hearing from you anyway was wonderful. and this is going to be honest in a way i usually avoid while writing publicly because i think i should be, like i know you are. im not going to go on for twelve pages here but really... i find it hard to believe, sometimes, that you are real. i dont deserve this, dont deserve you. i cant believe you when you say such sweet things, that you actually care. nobody treats me that way. this isnt a call for sympathy or a lesson in self-esteem but really, nobody ever treats me like that.
you, youre special. youre fucking weird, and i love it. you are beautiful in a way i dont think you understand. and you make me feel special, in a way im sure you arent aware of. you dont know what you do to me, how i feel. sometimes when i go back to johnson late at night, people look at me funny because i am so happy. truthfully, i havent enjoyed life this much in as long as i can remember. and i get along so well, just walking the quad, whenever i do... its different. theres this relaxation, a confidence, a surefootedness that hasnt been there. god knows its you. people are so much easier to deal with because theres a facet of existance, the one that dictates that people are either alone or not, that doesnt matter anymore. not right now.
i was thinking, while laying out on that blanket on davis field a couple nights ago, of how wonderful things would have been had you not said all those things the night before. but when i think back, hell, it was probably a good thing. it was wonderful as it was. i was almost surprised to be invited to the poetry and film things but my god... it was encouraging to me, not really a shock but a solid forward push, a concrete idea that things are going to be ok. not ok, really, really great. know why? because we can be friends. we can be amazing friends. because i didnt even think, didnt even try, and it was easy. you were easy, we were easy. its not work spending time with you. i cant say that about everyone.
so... thank you. thank you for everything. thank you for walking with me, for laying on davis field, for laughing at my jokes and listening to my music, for watching my movies and sharing your bed. thank you for leaving sweet messages for me to wake up to, for still wanting to talk to me while youre in california. thank you for making me feel like someone that deserves someone like yourself. and please, dear god please, i hope i can make you feel the same way.
g'night
ive found some of the happiest times i have had at wake this year have been lunches in the mag room, before a vacation. today, for instance. i had a french lit midterm at ten, the likes of which i can only pray about now, and organic at noon. but after that, after a slap on the back from sean and a reminder that we were indeed, done... everything was ok. and we walked to the mag room and sat down with friends, most of whom were also done. and you dont worry about getting out on time because there was nothing to do but pack up and head home, wherever that is. so we sat around one table and ate, joked, and laughed {i just close my eyes and try and find my happy place... oh... he found it}... thought i should remind yall of that one. got up and left when we felt like it, went to the deacon shop for a change. hell, i even found a hat i liked and bought it. that, my friends, doesnt happen every day. after a while, down to the post office with wipp... i havent spent time with her in a while, that was pleasant. and then to reynolda with wipp... and benson with wipp... and a hug from ko...
after a little final packing, i wandered out to student drive and sat for a minute or two sorting through some odd hundred cd's only to look up and see the shuttle driver right in front of me wondering if i wanted a ride back to campus. bless him, lord knows how long he was waiting there trying to get my attention. turn on some damn, damn good music... my god. and ashley was grateful for her ride. that really goes a long way, when someone is actually appreciative of a favor... but its nothing really, no skin off my back, my pleasure really. and just as pleasant to talk to her too. back on down to johnson and shes going down the hall recruiting people to help move how much stuff? a good five trips worth. oh but she's leaving a lot of it at home. mhmmm. so patrick, clay, shannon, and i {after grabbing a load of my own stuff, for starters} worked our way over to the other wing and loaded up with all kinds of girly bags. had a big girly parade down out front of johnson where i could drop my stuff off and hers as well. back in for another last load of mine and out where people were gathering between the two cars, fire lanes and whatnot, in a circle. i knew that nobody was ever going to get off with people all gathered around like that {try and make that sound clean...} and i was wondering where ka was, who was supposed to be there to say goodbye but was conspiciously absent. turns out she was walking toward johnson with darcy carrying some godawfullybig duffel back between the two of them. i suggested to patrick that we go carry it for them, such chivalrous gentlemen, and on the walk over he suggested we just jump over the back. go figure, i start jogging and jump over the bag, throwing a little ankle grab in for good measure. we are carrying this thing in johnson front entrance when i say to him, "you know, that could have been really bad, couldnt it?"... well yeah, i could easily have bit pavement right there but i didnt so whatever. long story short, we all laughed and joked and hugged and wished well and i put on some amazing music and left. my paragraphs are too long.
stopped for gas... what odd stuff happens. traffic was particularly bad, friday afternoon i suppose. lots of wake cars leaving. lovely. oh, but oh! the happiness.
packing and leaving, carrying ashley's luggage, saying goodbye to people in the lounge... it was the happiest i have seen the johnson community... ever. everybody was in such a good mood, so willing to help out, to smile, hug, wish well. it was amazing. everyone just exuded this excited looseness. i guess its that impending relaxation. everybody's got their something. the happiness stuck with me, as i finished out that album to be replaced with another, completely different. one i havent listened to in a year, probably, but knew every single damned word. i amazed myself. while 40 was hairy through g-boro, 421 south was nice. i love long highway trips because, so often, you will find friends out there. at least, its what occurs to me. some of these people, would draft, stick together. i dont know why. we would all pull out behind each other and keep together like buddies... lord knows. i was in convoy with a silver ford sport-track, a new white dodge magnum, and a new red nissan titan. it was lovely, really. after a while, the sport-trac exited and the magnum dropped back in traffic but the titan stayed with me till i got off at siler city, 64. and thats when the magic happened.
first, my favorite song queued (?) up in random. without thinking, i looked down to check the track, soon as it began, because it sounded so familiar. not only my favorite song on the album but one of the best, to me, ever. and i sang, as i had been for so long at that point... and still knew every word. now, i skipped over to the right lane leaving siler because some guy was in my way and noticed there was a small black honda civic coupe in front of me. one of those old two-doors with a little spoiler. i didnt recognize the plate but i figured i wouldnt anyway. a girl from my highschool drove one of those. i mean, i dont really see many of those anyway but i havent seen the girl since last summer {although i drank her vodka in the fall...} and i talk to her a lot these days so i pulled up in the left lane and gunned it, regardless of all the horror stories ive heard of small town cops and their traffic enforcement. and so it was. her, that is. i was amazed. i mean, i knew she went to g-boro and would be driving home the same way but i never really expected it to be her. that kind of stuff just doesnt happen, you know?
i slowed the car down a bit and sortof cruised beside her at the same speed for a couple seconds, the entire time looking right at her {no, not at the road... but it was pretty straight}. and, naturally, she noticed some guy almost passing her but deciding to drive right beside her and gave me one of those double-takes where the first small glance says "who the fuck are you? creep" and the next big, wide-eyed smiling face says "fucking hell, i havent seen you in forever, this stuff doesnt really happen!" so i kind of smiled at her and she kind of smiled and me and my stomach turned a knot i didnt see coming. but i pulled in ahead of her and waved {intentionally} like a big happy retard and she waved like another big happy retard from behind me and we drove for a while, together for the first time in... forever. we texted a couple times; she had bojangles and i had sunflower seeds and a lime pepsi. she didnt have a stereo so a couple miles down the road i called her, told her i felt sorry for her, and played her a song off mine, through the phone. im not sure how good it was, though, cause i was singing the entire time, and made sure to sing into the mic for the last verse just so she could hear me for sure. and when she finally exited some miles up the road she stuck her arm out the window in heavy traffic to wave at me and i did my best back. and the entire experience just made my week.
but that's not all!
upon arriving at home late, i jumped in the car with my mother and headed back into the city to meet my father whom i accompanied to a hell of a hockey game. the canes won, 5-2 as i semi-predicted and the entire thing was both entertaining and entirely wonderful. and i drove back and we got to talk and whatnot and when i got home there was three pieces of frozen white pizza waiting and i ate and was happy and yay.
but, seriously for a second, the best part of my entire day...
you. i swear, like i said, i didnt really plan on bothering you while you are out in wild, exciting california but hearing from you anyway was wonderful. and this is going to be honest in a way i usually avoid while writing publicly because i think i should be, like i know you are. im not going to go on for twelve pages here but really... i find it hard to believe, sometimes, that you are real. i dont deserve this, dont deserve you. i cant believe you when you say such sweet things, that you actually care. nobody treats me that way. this isnt a call for sympathy or a lesson in self-esteem but really, nobody ever treats me like that.
you, youre special. youre fucking weird, and i love it. you are beautiful in a way i dont think you understand. and you make me feel special, in a way im sure you arent aware of. you dont know what you do to me, how i feel. sometimes when i go back to johnson late at night, people look at me funny because i am so happy. truthfully, i havent enjoyed life this much in as long as i can remember. and i get along so well, just walking the quad, whenever i do... its different. theres this relaxation, a confidence, a surefootedness that hasnt been there. god knows its you. people are so much easier to deal with because theres a facet of existance, the one that dictates that people are either alone or not, that doesnt matter anymore. not right now.
i was thinking, while laying out on that blanket on davis field a couple nights ago, of how wonderful things would have been had you not said all those things the night before. but when i think back, hell, it was probably a good thing. it was wonderful as it was. i was almost surprised to be invited to the poetry and film things but my god... it was encouraging to me, not really a shock but a solid forward push, a concrete idea that things are going to be ok. not ok, really, really great. know why? because we can be friends. we can be amazing friends. because i didnt even think, didnt even try, and it was easy. you were easy, we were easy. its not work spending time with you. i cant say that about everyone.
so... thank you. thank you for everything. thank you for walking with me, for laying on davis field, for laughing at my jokes and listening to my music, for watching my movies and sharing your bed. thank you for leaving sweet messages for me to wake up to, for still wanting to talk to me while youre in california. thank you for making me feel like someone that deserves someone like yourself. and please, dear god please, i hope i can make you feel the same way.
g'night
posted by sunshine at 12:02 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home