get away, must
its suffocating in this house. literally and figuratively, i suppose. the literal will pass, its the figurative that is much more dangerous. i have written more since ive been home but it isnt to say the things i want to be able to say. i tried to record some songs this morning while i still had my sexy sick voice but i doubt they turned out real well. whatever leaves my mouth is rarely ever of much musical value. it angers my fingers, what for the work they have put in?
no, i would much rather be on a sunny stretch of grass in los angeles or, perhaps, a busy street corner cafe in vienna {apparently they are quite popular over there}. i realized last night that los angeles is 2,550 miles away from here. i have never been 2,550 miles from anywhere. i have been as far south as key west and as far north as montpelier, vermont. that's 1,770 miles. 2,550 miles is far enough for me to lose comprehension of the physical distance. thats far enough that, without the internet or phones, i seriously doubt i would ever, no matter what i tried, see someone again. that freaks me out a little bit.
but i need to go somewhere, live some. prefereably not alone, but not with a circus either. i want an apartment overlooking a cobblestone road. one where smells of fresh bread and pastry drift up and into the windows by the patio from the bakery down below. some small but open space where the paint on the walls is cracked and old bricks and mortar show through in some conspicuous places. somewhere you can walk to a fresh market for whatever you need, whenever you like. its a place for freelance work and creativity.
until now, my world has been the united states. i was born here, have lived here, and, for some reason, always thought i would end up here. in some place or another, new york if i were thinking riskily, but in all likelihood somewhere in this very state. there are problems associated with being multifaceted; among them are the desires to not only want to be a freelance artist in vienna or ios but also the half that wants to be an anesthesiologist in new york city with a house in quaint beaufort and a sailboat for trips to the caribbean or key west. a collection of classic cars at a home in the country {maybe one on the banks of a good southern river, in a glade of trees in the country, white with pillars - think forrest gump} and one very happy cow.
can these two possibly coincide? ive found i am a lot happier with someone than without, surely that has something to do with it. of course there are more sides to this riddle. why not be in a band? why not drive to los vegas in a great white whale? why not be a junkie in mexico? now im just stealing ideas. fuck, i forgot. when i become an expert in the medical field, i need to go to africa and save people. join the peace corps after college. save darfur. fuck.
i am only nineteen but i already feel like i am behind. like i havent lived enough to fill my nineteen years. so i need to live... there isnt much to write about if you havent lived. i had a moral life crisis last summer that inspired me to, well, more or less think about all this 'saving africans' stuff. how am i going to do that while hitchhiking across wyoming, high on acid? granted, saving starving, sick africans might give me something to say... i mean isnt that the end to this discussion of means? no doubt it would be fulfilling... i think a lot of this has to do with God. you know, making the most of my time here on earth, doing the most for humanity, meaning something. yes well, that apartment in vienna sounds like more fun. why is there such a damned line drawn between what is selfish and what is selfless? is it so bad to want to have fun while i am young? but if i dont get all this preparation done young, i will never save the world, own a sailboat, a classic jaguar, or a cow. i still want the cow {maybe a horse too... its never out of the question}. but what's the good of waiting until retirement to see the world? what if i dont make it that far? i could suddenly die for no reason at all while sitting here in this chair watching television and this would be the most ironic thing i have ever written.
there is also the discrepancy between people's views. there are two real contradictions to me: who i am and what kind of person i believe i should be, and what God hates/doesnt hate and what the government thinks. first, really, i dont think God is really against natural things like marijuana and opium etc. he put them here so... why is it so bad? as for the government, i dont see how any consciousness altering drugs are any different than alcohol. ive never been high but i dont see why pot should be illegal when there could be legal limitations for use like alcohol. its certainly a lot less deadly than tobacco but you dont see people looking to outlaw smokes. also, it seems that i keep myself from trying anything because its not really the kind of man i want to be. sheltered, yeah thats it... thats what im going for. also, seeing the government's views on these things, i wouldnt want to risk my future for some fun, however much living it might bring with it. so what now? i go out in the woods at night and get high like everybody thinks i do anyway. right. i dont know.
i need to find a way to quit banking on enjoying the future and get to living while i still can.
no, i would much rather be on a sunny stretch of grass in los angeles or, perhaps, a busy street corner cafe in vienna {apparently they are quite popular over there}. i realized last night that los angeles is 2,550 miles away from here. i have never been 2,550 miles from anywhere. i have been as far south as key west and as far north as montpelier, vermont. that's 1,770 miles. 2,550 miles is far enough for me to lose comprehension of the physical distance. thats far enough that, without the internet or phones, i seriously doubt i would ever, no matter what i tried, see someone again. that freaks me out a little bit.
but i need to go somewhere, live some. prefereably not alone, but not with a circus either. i want an apartment overlooking a cobblestone road. one where smells of fresh bread and pastry drift up and into the windows by the patio from the bakery down below. some small but open space where the paint on the walls is cracked and old bricks and mortar show through in some conspicuous places. somewhere you can walk to a fresh market for whatever you need, whenever you like. its a place for freelance work and creativity.
until now, my world has been the united states. i was born here, have lived here, and, for some reason, always thought i would end up here. in some place or another, new york if i were thinking riskily, but in all likelihood somewhere in this very state. there are problems associated with being multifaceted; among them are the desires to not only want to be a freelance artist in vienna or ios but also the half that wants to be an anesthesiologist in new york city with a house in quaint beaufort and a sailboat for trips to the caribbean or key west. a collection of classic cars at a home in the country {maybe one on the banks of a good southern river, in a glade of trees in the country, white with pillars - think forrest gump} and one very happy cow.
can these two possibly coincide? ive found i am a lot happier with someone than without, surely that has something to do with it. of course there are more sides to this riddle. why not be in a band? why not drive to los vegas in a great white whale? why not be a junkie in mexico? now im just stealing ideas. fuck, i forgot. when i become an expert in the medical field, i need to go to africa and save people. join the peace corps after college. save darfur. fuck.
i am only nineteen but i already feel like i am behind. like i havent lived enough to fill my nineteen years. so i need to live... there isnt much to write about if you havent lived. i had a moral life crisis last summer that inspired me to, well, more or less think about all this 'saving africans' stuff. how am i going to do that while hitchhiking across wyoming, high on acid? granted, saving starving, sick africans might give me something to say... i mean isnt that the end to this discussion of means? no doubt it would be fulfilling... i think a lot of this has to do with God. you know, making the most of my time here on earth, doing the most for humanity, meaning something. yes well, that apartment in vienna sounds like more fun. why is there such a damned line drawn between what is selfish and what is selfless? is it so bad to want to have fun while i am young? but if i dont get all this preparation done young, i will never save the world, own a sailboat, a classic jaguar, or a cow. i still want the cow {maybe a horse too... its never out of the question}. but what's the good of waiting until retirement to see the world? what if i dont make it that far? i could suddenly die for no reason at all while sitting here in this chair watching television and this would be the most ironic thing i have ever written.
there is also the discrepancy between people's views. there are two real contradictions to me: who i am and what kind of person i believe i should be, and what God hates/doesnt hate and what the government thinks. first, really, i dont think God is really against natural things like marijuana and opium etc. he put them here so... why is it so bad? as for the government, i dont see how any consciousness altering drugs are any different than alcohol. ive never been high but i dont see why pot should be illegal when there could be legal limitations for use like alcohol. its certainly a lot less deadly than tobacco but you dont see people looking to outlaw smokes. also, it seems that i keep myself from trying anything because its not really the kind of man i want to be. sheltered, yeah thats it... thats what im going for. also, seeing the government's views on these things, i wouldnt want to risk my future for some fun, however much living it might bring with it. so what now? i go out in the woods at night and get high like everybody thinks i do anyway. right. i dont know.
i need to find a way to quit banking on enjoying the future and get to living while i still can.
posted by sunshine at 8:30 PM
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