warm where you lay

wouldnt reccommend reading this over breakfast

i've upon a situation. one that tends to make me feel doomed but much more like the luckiest guy i know. see, i can compare, and say to myself... take those two. i wouldn't be paid to take what they have, but i... have something more. i mean, i have something less, in the coldly official kind of way. but something more, still, a less childish something... it means a lot to me. but i hold back and i know - i know in my head it's a good thing... i just don't want to. but i can't right now, for disastrous consequences - musn't fuck things up - musn't set myself up to be let down, always dangerous. oh to be reserved, guarded, but only to a point. always honest and open, just not openly forward. and communicate. communicate your feelings but not all the time, only to a point... jesus. is this right? doesn't feel right. it feels right, just not the conservative games we play. there are times - whether i like it or not - when phrases like... "god, i love you {right now}" just try and burst forth but i keep it inside. not smart, there. not too good a thing to let loose, that {though i might be now, take with salt}. i don't mean it. i mean, i don't know what i am talking about. i just speak of happiness and comfort and hope. and love is heartbreak anyway, no use in that. save it for later, wrap it up in a little box of pandora's for another day.

and that you question me, makes me question me, and i will never get around it. so i just don't worry about it. love the girl, love the situation, love the idea... fuck it. i love happiness, and the way my brain works right now, i associate nearly any situation with the girl, with us, with happiness. good times and bad, s'long as we can have each other to make it better. that's happiness to me. and so what if it is true that there is more than one person in the world that could fill that void? i am not desperate. i just enjoy feeling the way i do, and i choose you. that is all. i could wrestle with myself night and day over the enjoyment i get but it does not matter so much in the end. i am not in love, so it does not matter for now. maybe i'm just a simpler being, who the hell knows?

but trust. problem. i can't bring myself to trust. not everything. not sometimes. sometimes all i see is a game, pour vous, a game with your mind. a game of playing for the boy just to see where it leads. sometimes i can't trust what you say, what you do, because i can't see the end game. problem is, i can see every movement as a plan, because you know what makes me comfortable. and i can see the final days, when you apologize for using me as your fiddle, and i... what would i say? "damn... well played..." and be hurt forever and a day. i don't trust because i don't feel like i have the whole story to begin with. i don't... really know you that well at all. i have known girls so open and easy with me that both of us knew exactly what the other was thinking {although we like to ask anyway...} and if she wanted to hold my hand, well that's fine because i get it. but with you... not so much. i hate to think all this, to believe all this, because i label myself paranoid and trouble-causing and difficult. still it bothers me that when we leave, you will not miss me like i will you.

i do not wish to be misunderstood. pay attention to all i write here but remember how you know me. i am in this, whatever this is, with you. only you. and though i try and keep myself from falling too far into the deeper in - its only that i see plenty of room to fall. you still interest me like no one else, even when you are {apparently} not even trying. i still fear you will tire of spending time close-by even when every night on a random couch would be perfectly fine with me. the only reason i find i should hold myself tight {inside, mind you} is that i find you so easy to lose myself in. i want to trust you like i do myself, i want to believe you, i want to be there to help you figure out things for yourself. i know we aren't the best at communicating but we can be. so take all this to heart but remember - only a couple hours ago i looked down at your closed eyes and head on my leg and could not believe the beautiful you were sharing that time with me.

{god natt, aslkling}