danse

i'm going to dance. not right now, unless it's one of the sexy shoulder variety, but from now on. i said, in french once, that i sang out loud but only in the car, and i danced, but only in bathrooms. i'm going to danse. life is so much more fun when you dance. {must i keep changing spellings?} i'm going to dance. in my car, in bathrooms, in hospitals, alone, with people, everywhere. not only am i going to be the anesthesiologist/radiologist {both, $280,000/year in raleigh, dig it} that drives to work in his classic car or british motorcycle. it is known to many security guards that i pull lots of stuff in empty elevators with security cameras. don't suppose i should stop that either. in graveyards... inappropriate? in library stacks. and i can't really dance, i can only imagine it as like elaine from seinfeld. maybe not that bad. in my dorm room. drunk.

whatever... altered... mind... state...

and sing. i can't sing either. if i could choose one god-given gift it might be to sing. because if i could sing, i would sing to people. i would play guitar and sing for people. i would sing sing sing because i really enjoy it. but it sounds fairly bad so i never do. i'm always disappointed whenever i try to record things. but i do, in the car especially, or mowing the lawn. whenever nobody else has to hear. when the house is empty louuuddd... outside at night. when i ride my yet to be discovered old british bike with the wind stealing the breath off my lips so i can't even hear myself...

i'm gonna be the cool doctor. the youngish one. the athletic radiologist... yep. the paradox, enjoyable. and still helping people and doing my job, naturally, but someone, i hope, that will make the whole thing easier. maybe some people will let me filter my own choice music into the mri machine - make that more bearable. maybe i will be dancing when they come out. i will stop as soon as they see me, maybe they laugh. this would only work on young girls, of course. but i'll play music, dance around the room in between patients, pick the music for surgeries if i put people to sleep...

and i've also gotten to thinking again - in that dangerous kind of way i do - about this girl. and how for years i have loved her and still do, really, although that's the oldest news i have. but also that it's easy to talk about future relationships because it's mostly always 90% joking. but i don't know how i could do it. a relationship like that may just be the single most terrifying thing i can conceive of. i could do this forever, though, so i won't.

goodnight