he said "it's all in your head"...

i'm so fucking conflicted

the huckabees movie is going to save me. just because my emotional self runs wild and free and fucks me over so much. it's going to be ok, really it is. i'm heartbroke but for no legitimate reason. we were never dating, we never fucked. i have no claim on you. so its ridiculous and i know it and that doesnt change anything. not one fucking thing. i can take on a 'fuck me' attitude. if you feel like the world is out to get you, you can survive. it's called the blues. and i have huckabees, which makes sense. if we're all matter and energy and it's all changing all the time, we are the same magical blanket. two people? a triangle and a square make a pentagon. doesn't even matter. it doesn't matter. anybody else you see? it's me. and you. so fuck it! no, i can claim nihilism too, it works both ways. love was always cruel, ok? i am nobody. and neither are you? know how i know? because you're a lie. you present a different face to everyone and it's all a goddamn lie! huckabees fact: goodbye lenin song was also in amelie. you lay on your bed next to me and told me you didn't want to speak to me all summer. because you didn't want to miss me. i told you i didn't believe you, didn't trust you. said you wouldn't do anything, hang out with your friend, do organic chemistry. i thought ahead, to the summer {we're apart, she doesn't want to talk to me, guilty? we come back in the fall, start all over?}. and what happens? you find a guy? no fucking way. just one? am i supposed to believe that? i don't even care, fuck it. i don't need this, i don't want this. noooo we can't be friends. i don't trust you now, baby. oh jesus, and you write me and act like you miss me. goddamn, almost forgot that one. and maybe i'm being ridiculous and maybe i blow things up... jesus, i am known for pulling that kind of shit. i care too fucking much. consider this a goddamn learning experience. proof that guarding works. because i care, i don't even want to see your face. because i'm guarded, i don't let anything in. i don't care. and when i don't care enough... we can be friends. i love how that works. oh fuck, i thought earlier of how this entire thing has made me want to cut again. i know how much you loved that. cheers.