whoa
feel sick. real shallow, right down where the neck connects to the body, the soft spot between the first two bones in front. there's a knot, feels like a tumor i should be able to swallow but can't. i'm listening to what's turning out to be precisely the wrong music, more to turn myself a different direction than anything. i think the end of the hockey game killed a piece of me. eh, its a rollercoaster, life is.
it's so goddamned hottttt in this room. fans on, makes no difference. change of music, not much better. i'll let the heap try for a while though. i've said it a hundred times before... it feels good to be writing, it's just that nothing i've thought of saying over the past couple days seems ready to come out right now.
oh, i was out wringing out the sea-doo for the summer monday while my dad waited in line with the trailer at the lake. while he was out, i took it on a few high-speed runs myself, trying not to be a pwc-asshole but also generally showing off. took her round past the power lines on the backside of the lake and nailed the thumb-throttle the entire way around a looping but not loose turn. reminded me of indy the day before, tragic indy. depending on the boost you had dialed in, you can drive the entire oval time and again with the throttle on the floorpan. back out past the power lines toward the docks and the sun on every peak of water shone at me. and i smiled, because at that moment, a thousand people were taking my picture.
that's when i realized how little everything matters. how much college is just a new high school. we aren't really any more mature, most of us anyhow. you can't expect anything more than fucking around. a friend once told me that the key is to hope, but not expect. and that... isn't easy. there are times and places i could point a finger but it would do no good. friendship means so much more to me than whatever the fuck happened last semester. it's my fault for feeling when you didn't. i guess that's still the problem now. i don't feel much, but enough to care when you fuck with your life. i guess this could all just fade away but i don't think it matters to you one fucking bit. and, because there's that little distinction, it still will bother me. it's always me caught caring. i've got to stop doing that.
granted, i also need to stop being such a bastard about it. i only have leverage if you have anything to move. if i don't move you - and i can't really blame anyone for not giving a damn about me unless they act like they do - then i can't hold anything against you. just won't matter, see? so if you couldn't give a shit as to whether i was alive or dead, i will convince myself to do the same. and if you care enough to be friends, well, somehow i guess that will work... eventually. and maybe, someday you mature some, who knows? but i can't be angry, that does nobody good. it was cool while it was, now i have a czech girl to meet...
useless, to think about strange machines. a '72 triumph tiger 650 parallel twin... sounds lovely doesn't it? room for two! and for $4000? yes well... no money really... oh, but it's in-state? jesus...
i started this year with a view of self-improvement. it's worked... i haven't lost any weight {although to do so might be suicide} and haven't gained any. more muscular... i ate better at school. meals. my mother gets agitated when i don't eat... which is often. i don't get hungry. i explain that and it doesn't go over well. i believe i should be old enough to decide when to feed myself and when i just don't feel like it. so working outside, i get dizzy every minute point five... so long as it goes away pretty quick, i'm fine. for four years i have done situps every single night before i settle down to sleep. usually twenty three. i mean yeah, it's not many at all but its a nice number and it's at least something. something's better than nothing... i guess it's the thought that counts. lately i've picked up on pushups too. i never liked them, bad elbows. never could do hardly any. but now i drop down when nobody is looking, usually thirteen, another good number, lower than twenty three. and i stop myself from eating when i don't really need to be, say, late at night. when you don't have time to be awake long enough to metabolize the stuff. then it turns to fat. and you can't just get rid of fat, you know. usually i will spend twenty minutes or so on the exercise bike around noon... a little bit of cardio. not really much to do anything, but again, it's the thought... and i'm sure it burns a good five calories too. not that i really need to worry about these things. i'm 6'1", 145lbs. a lot of the girls would shoot me for talking like this. but to me, it's not how i am from an outsider's view, it's how things change. as far as i'm concerned, i've put on a little flab around the belly button while i was at school. never did do ab stuff much, probably why. so i'd rather turn that to muscle. and i've been stuck around 140 for a couple years now so i'd rather stay closer to that than 150. that's all. although weighing less does make me feel better. i enjoy the feeling of being hungry every now and then, especially when i'm depressed. i don't think that's much terribly out of the normal. but whatever... that's just me.
there. you're free. happy?
it's so goddamned hottttt in this room. fans on, makes no difference. change of music, not much better. i'll let the heap try for a while though. i've said it a hundred times before... it feels good to be writing, it's just that nothing i've thought of saying over the past couple days seems ready to come out right now.
oh, i was out wringing out the sea-doo for the summer monday while my dad waited in line with the trailer at the lake. while he was out, i took it on a few high-speed runs myself, trying not to be a pwc-asshole but also generally showing off. took her round past the power lines on the backside of the lake and nailed the thumb-throttle the entire way around a looping but not loose turn. reminded me of indy the day before, tragic indy. depending on the boost you had dialed in, you can drive the entire oval time and again with the throttle on the floorpan. back out past the power lines toward the docks and the sun on every peak of water shone at me. and i smiled, because at that moment, a thousand people were taking my picture.
that's when i realized how little everything matters. how much college is just a new high school. we aren't really any more mature, most of us anyhow. you can't expect anything more than fucking around. a friend once told me that the key is to hope, but not expect. and that... isn't easy. there are times and places i could point a finger but it would do no good. friendship means so much more to me than whatever the fuck happened last semester. it's my fault for feeling when you didn't. i guess that's still the problem now. i don't feel much, but enough to care when you fuck with your life. i guess this could all just fade away but i don't think it matters to you one fucking bit. and, because there's that little distinction, it still will bother me. it's always me caught caring. i've got to stop doing that.
granted, i also need to stop being such a bastard about it. i only have leverage if you have anything to move. if i don't move you - and i can't really blame anyone for not giving a damn about me unless they act like they do - then i can't hold anything against you. just won't matter, see? so if you couldn't give a shit as to whether i was alive or dead, i will convince myself to do the same. and if you care enough to be friends, well, somehow i guess that will work... eventually. and maybe, someday you mature some, who knows? but i can't be angry, that does nobody good. it was cool while it was, now i have a czech girl to meet...
useless, to think about strange machines. a '72 triumph tiger 650 parallel twin... sounds lovely doesn't it? room for two! and for $4000? yes well... no money really... oh, but it's in-state? jesus...
i started this year with a view of self-improvement. it's worked... i haven't lost any weight {although to do so might be suicide} and haven't gained any. more muscular... i ate better at school. meals. my mother gets agitated when i don't eat... which is often. i don't get hungry. i explain that and it doesn't go over well. i believe i should be old enough to decide when to feed myself and when i just don't feel like it. so working outside, i get dizzy every minute point five... so long as it goes away pretty quick, i'm fine. for four years i have done situps every single night before i settle down to sleep. usually twenty three. i mean yeah, it's not many at all but its a nice number and it's at least something. something's better than nothing... i guess it's the thought that counts. lately i've picked up on pushups too. i never liked them, bad elbows. never could do hardly any. but now i drop down when nobody is looking, usually thirteen, another good number, lower than twenty three. and i stop myself from eating when i don't really need to be, say, late at night. when you don't have time to be awake long enough to metabolize the stuff. then it turns to fat. and you can't just get rid of fat, you know. usually i will spend twenty minutes or so on the exercise bike around noon... a little bit of cardio. not really much to do anything, but again, it's the thought... and i'm sure it burns a good five calories too. not that i really need to worry about these things. i'm 6'1", 145lbs. a lot of the girls would shoot me for talking like this. but to me, it's not how i am from an outsider's view, it's how things change. as far as i'm concerned, i've put on a little flab around the belly button while i was at school. never did do ab stuff much, probably why. so i'd rather turn that to muscle. and i've been stuck around 140 for a couple years now so i'd rather stay closer to that than 150. that's all. although weighing less does make me feel better. i enjoy the feeling of being hungry every now and then, especially when i'm depressed. i don't think that's much terribly out of the normal. but whatever... that's just me.
there. you're free. happy?
posted by sunshine at 10:44 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home