slow night, so long
oh boy
dark in the den, hum of the fans, cat's asleep under the table resting her head on the wooden frame. i mute and unmute the tv, talk and get distracted, alone downstairs dressed up in basketball shorts, fuzzy blue printed long socks, an ancient rebel yell beer tshirt, new hat and silver ring.
i think i have a social phobia. i'm generally happier alone than seeing people. i mean, it was different at school, when you live with people it's just terribly convenient to hang out. but here... i don't know. i think it's just new people, in planned situations, or old friends i don't have anything to say to. you know those people. i went to a small high school, i'd recognize most anyone from my class. and when you both know the other one is there, and you've both spoken before, you have to speak. plenty of these kids i'm friends with, but not really on a personal basis. i don't really have anything to say to them, but since we spent four years together, we really have to talk. sunday, my entire family went to a neighborhood picnic down at the pond. i stayed at home. i could say that i wasn't hungry or didn't really feel like going but the real reason - and i know it - was that i was hoping there wouldn't be any other kids there. i mean, if there were, i wouldn't have known them. i would have, of course, been expected to hang out with them, talk to them, in a controlled environment. if it had been just adults i would have loved it, i can charm adults like nobody's buisness - and i know it.
i stayed at home, watched a discovery hd program on the bermuda triangle for a couple hours, played guitar a little bit, stood outside, read some... and enjoyed it.
oh boy
i am such a bastard. you know it {and you know who you are}. i would apologize but i don't think it would make a difference. probably better not to concede ground anyway. i do it to protect myself, hoping that thoughts will follow actions. i could break down and yell and curse and say that i really feel but i would lose everything. so i won't concede a damn thing. in fact, in a bastardly sort of move, i'm going to try and ignore the problem... whether that makes me forget or not.
what kind of summer is this? i have no official job quite yet. no plans to get drunk. no alcohol to get drunk on. no drugs {not sure if that was in the plan or not}. {why the hell not, by now?} try and help my dad find rental cars for a trip out west but he goes and does it behind my back anyways. parties i don't know whether to attend. i sit around, run errands, exercise a little bit, read a lot. watch tv a lot... but not as much as i could. do a few crosswords/cryptoquotes... write, but not as much as i should. i'm downloading four more movies as i type, just counting the days till the RIA shows up and sues me for, say, $3,000 - a number i pulled out of my ass but probably adds up to the stuff i've stolen recently. i've got friends working twelve hours a day, traveling in europe, interning in d.c., and i have time to sit and reskin and retool the html for my goddamn blog. jesus.
not to mention being as fou dans la tete as ever. oh boy.
i'm concerned. does anything i say here mean anything to anybody? shit, all i do is describe my mostly boring life and supposed mental illnesses. i could probably fit all these posts to a template as set as any given yellowcard song. i'm registered for a short story workshop this coming fall. never really tried fiction before. in fact, if you're supposed to write about what you know, i have a feeling that i will be trying some things. probably not a good idea. suggestions are accepted, if i'm just full of bullshit... yeah.
dark in the den, hum of the fans, cat's asleep under the table resting her head on the wooden frame. i mute and unmute the tv, talk and get distracted, alone downstairs dressed up in basketball shorts, fuzzy blue printed long socks, an ancient rebel yell beer tshirt, new hat and silver ring.
i think i have a social phobia. i'm generally happier alone than seeing people. i mean, it was different at school, when you live with people it's just terribly convenient to hang out. but here... i don't know. i think it's just new people, in planned situations, or old friends i don't have anything to say to. you know those people. i went to a small high school, i'd recognize most anyone from my class. and when you both know the other one is there, and you've both spoken before, you have to speak. plenty of these kids i'm friends with, but not really on a personal basis. i don't really have anything to say to them, but since we spent four years together, we really have to talk. sunday, my entire family went to a neighborhood picnic down at the pond. i stayed at home. i could say that i wasn't hungry or didn't really feel like going but the real reason - and i know it - was that i was hoping there wouldn't be any other kids there. i mean, if there were, i wouldn't have known them. i would have, of course, been expected to hang out with them, talk to them, in a controlled environment. if it had been just adults i would have loved it, i can charm adults like nobody's buisness - and i know it.
i stayed at home, watched a discovery hd program on the bermuda triangle for a couple hours, played guitar a little bit, stood outside, read some... and enjoyed it.
oh boy
i am such a bastard. you know it {and you know who you are}. i would apologize but i don't think it would make a difference. probably better not to concede ground anyway. i do it to protect myself, hoping that thoughts will follow actions. i could break down and yell and curse and say that i really feel but i would lose everything. so i won't concede a damn thing. in fact, in a bastardly sort of move, i'm going to try and ignore the problem... whether that makes me forget or not.
what kind of summer is this? i have no official job quite yet. no plans to get drunk. no alcohol to get drunk on. no drugs {not sure if that was in the plan or not}. {why the hell not, by now?} try and help my dad find rental cars for a trip out west but he goes and does it behind my back anyways. parties i don't know whether to attend. i sit around, run errands, exercise a little bit, read a lot. watch tv a lot... but not as much as i could. do a few crosswords/cryptoquotes... write, but not as much as i should. i'm downloading four more movies as i type, just counting the days till the RIA shows up and sues me for, say, $3,000 - a number i pulled out of my ass but probably adds up to the stuff i've stolen recently. i've got friends working twelve hours a day, traveling in europe, interning in d.c., and i have time to sit and reskin and retool the html for my goddamn blog. jesus.
not to mention being as fou dans la tete as ever. oh boy.
i'm concerned. does anything i say here mean anything to anybody? shit, all i do is describe my mostly boring life and supposed mental illnesses. i could probably fit all these posts to a template as set as any given yellowcard song. i'm registered for a short story workshop this coming fall. never really tried fiction before. in fact, if you're supposed to write about what you know, i have a feeling that i will be trying some things. probably not a good idea. suggestions are accepted, if i'm just full of bullshit... yeah.
posted by sunshine at 12:15 AM
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