subtle as the wind is grey
i don't draw away from things happening, and i certainly think a lot, but often, i never really want to write about it. so, as this past week was certainly something to me... it's not really going to appear here. there aren't any good words, right now, for the things that went down. maybe i will save it for a story someday.
i am at home, for once, and it's nice. although the trend seems to be that i come home to do yardwork instead of sleeping in - something i hate rabidly - it is still nice at night. when everybody else is asleep and i can sit alone and count lights in the family room... {not counting the tv or laptop, the lights nearly cancel out. there is a clock with red digital numbers reading 12:25 - the colon doesn't blink - and a green clock on the dvr also reading 12:25... except the colon blinks. theres a red power light on the dvd, a green one on the dvr, and a red one on the tv. so the reds win, naturally.}
im wondering how drunk everyone is at the beach right now, kind of wishing i was there too, but just for a little while. the television's been muted, and all i can hear - aside from the tapping of the keys - is the fan from the computer and the two big fans on the ceiling, their motors thrum to a quick beat, just behind the rhythmic scraping of some hanging chain on something else, quiet little scratching. the breeze is making the lamp on the table beside me rock back and forth on its uneven base. makes me nervous, as that lamp has always been my mother's favorite... we were never allowed to touch it as kids, had to keep balls away from it.
i had a daydream, before sleeping, a couple nights ago about life inside a milk carton. it would be a bit more than half full, and sitting inside our refrigerator. i would be swimming in it, maybe an inch tall, and can barely see out. when the door closes, everything goes dark. i get the same feeling from being in a lost corner of the library on campus. i am convinced that some books there may not have moved in fifty years. thats quite a static lifestyle. i can close my eyes for ten seconds and be bored. imagine fifty years of no one speaking, not being touched, the same friction with all surfaces, not moving a centimeter, the lights go off and on, the world happens around you but doesn't change that one aisle. it hurts my head to think like that, hurts for some random book. i get the same impression from a closed refrigerator door, although not nearly as painful. the milk, although i had to tread it, didn't seem too malicious. i figured i would have to drink it all to suvive and was semi-comfortable with the idea - i'm not sure why - although, looking back, assuming no matter ever actually left the carton, i would have a difficult time with rearranging it for my survival. oh well, i will just have to look out for half-filled milk cartons to drown in.
i am looking forward to summer, although i don't know quite what to expect. i don't have an official job or anything, although i need some money. i don't know who i will end up speaking to and who will just fade into the background without being constantly in the foreground. i am looking forward to spending a good three weeks at the beach, what with a gym that isn't crowded and plenty of things to read. i'm so boring. meh. i'm apathetic about the being boring. is that worse? odd thing about being at such a school is that most of the people you become close to are from out-of-state. should be wierd anyway. actually i really need to get back in touch with some of you charter kids. maybe get some pizza at lily's and there's at least one of you i need to spend more than a couple hours in starbucks with. you know who you are. i miss you.
i was told earlier tonight that it was strange for me, a self-declared partial depressant, to be so optimistic and even wise. i never really think about it, i'm a thousand things at any one time. it's just that, tonight, i'm pretty content. i feel sick to my stomach and i'm tired but content. plus, i like being able to listen to and give advice to people that mean a lot to me. makes me feel needed, i guess. i don't really know, though, whether i like to do things for people because i am a good person, or because i want people to think i'm a good person. and this just raises more philisophical issues like, is being a good person defined by people labeling you as such? i guess it has more to do with some definite truth i can't explain. i mean, do i do things because i like being so supportive or do i like people to picture me as being such a nice guy? if i enjoy being a nice guy, am i doing it for my own pleasure or because my actions are good? i could go on forever like this, but it wouldn't do any good. i've tried to convince myself before that good actions can be done for no self-serving purpose but it's never worked out. oh well. i just want people to like me ;)
also, i have been playing acoustic music for too long. i have a lovely blue hw.1 strat and new red leather epiphone amp {fucking gorgeous, the two of them} and i can't ever think of anything good and electric to play. i guess i have been spending too much time with big country at school for my own good. would be a shame to waste all this lovely equipment. oh, i've decided i need to write a song too. maybe in the bright eyes style. that doesn't seem too terribly difficult. i feel like i can't use standard chords because all of them have been used before. in some postmodern way, i know that whatever combination i come up with has been used a hundred times before. doesn't necessarily matter, though, i guess, since new songs are created every day with the same old stuff and none of them really sound the same. so i won't worry about it. probably save it till the summer, though, and keep coming up with cool little sounding things at school. shit, who am i trying to fool? i've never written a decent lyric or lick in my life. it's a nice thought though, eh?
life has been odd lately. up and down, in and out, it's crazy. i'm finding, i think, that i don't really have to be with somebody as much as i thought i did. it's nice, to be sure, to share a bed with somebody that {hopefully} finds you special. hell, i enjoy it even if i don't sleep. i think i'm just a whore for feeling like people love me. and i can be a friend, maybe that's all i can be. who knows? i hold out a small hope that these things can be revisited in the future, even if nobody else does, because no matter how i have been treated i absolutely can't let people go. even if they are shit to me, if they meant a lot at some point in time, i want to keep them around. also why this summer should be interesting. seems like possibly the one person i'm used to seeing that i would choose to remain in steady contact with more than the rest, i might not speak to much at all. and it's really quite hard to say that, because there are others whom i love dearly too, i guess i'm just thinking of this situation right now. ah well, we will see.
i think i should stop. i've reached the point where my perspective has changed. i don't mean emotionally but mentally... i think. my eyes are connected to my brain in such a way that it suddenly feels like i am looking down on the screen instead of across to it. like my brain is telling my body that i'm looking down when i'm looking ahead. aside from that, i have trouble keeping touch with gravity when i close my eyes. it's fun this way, i guess, to space out every time you blink, just not conducive to writing. so goodnight, good luck, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
i am at home, for once, and it's nice. although the trend seems to be that i come home to do yardwork instead of sleeping in - something i hate rabidly - it is still nice at night. when everybody else is asleep and i can sit alone and count lights in the family room... {not counting the tv or laptop, the lights nearly cancel out. there is a clock with red digital numbers reading 12:25 - the colon doesn't blink - and a green clock on the dvr also reading 12:25... except the colon blinks. theres a red power light on the dvd, a green one on the dvr, and a red one on the tv. so the reds win, naturally.}
im wondering how drunk everyone is at the beach right now, kind of wishing i was there too, but just for a little while. the television's been muted, and all i can hear - aside from the tapping of the keys - is the fan from the computer and the two big fans on the ceiling, their motors thrum to a quick beat, just behind the rhythmic scraping of some hanging chain on something else, quiet little scratching. the breeze is making the lamp on the table beside me rock back and forth on its uneven base. makes me nervous, as that lamp has always been my mother's favorite... we were never allowed to touch it as kids, had to keep balls away from it.
i had a daydream, before sleeping, a couple nights ago about life inside a milk carton. it would be a bit more than half full, and sitting inside our refrigerator. i would be swimming in it, maybe an inch tall, and can barely see out. when the door closes, everything goes dark. i get the same feeling from being in a lost corner of the library on campus. i am convinced that some books there may not have moved in fifty years. thats quite a static lifestyle. i can close my eyes for ten seconds and be bored. imagine fifty years of no one speaking, not being touched, the same friction with all surfaces, not moving a centimeter, the lights go off and on, the world happens around you but doesn't change that one aisle. it hurts my head to think like that, hurts for some random book. i get the same impression from a closed refrigerator door, although not nearly as painful. the milk, although i had to tread it, didn't seem too malicious. i figured i would have to drink it all to suvive and was semi-comfortable with the idea - i'm not sure why - although, looking back, assuming no matter ever actually left the carton, i would have a difficult time with rearranging it for my survival. oh well, i will just have to look out for half-filled milk cartons to drown in.
i am looking forward to summer, although i don't know quite what to expect. i don't have an official job or anything, although i need some money. i don't know who i will end up speaking to and who will just fade into the background without being constantly in the foreground. i am looking forward to spending a good three weeks at the beach, what with a gym that isn't crowded and plenty of things to read. i'm so boring. meh. i'm apathetic about the being boring. is that worse? odd thing about being at such a school is that most of the people you become close to are from out-of-state. should be wierd anyway. actually i really need to get back in touch with some of you charter kids. maybe get some pizza at lily's and there's at least one of you i need to spend more than a couple hours in starbucks with. you know who you are. i miss you.
i was told earlier tonight that it was strange for me, a self-declared partial depressant, to be so optimistic and even wise. i never really think about it, i'm a thousand things at any one time. it's just that, tonight, i'm pretty content. i feel sick to my stomach and i'm tired but content. plus, i like being able to listen to and give advice to people that mean a lot to me. makes me feel needed, i guess. i don't really know, though, whether i like to do things for people because i am a good person, or because i want people to think i'm a good person. and this just raises more philisophical issues like, is being a good person defined by people labeling you as such? i guess it has more to do with some definite truth i can't explain. i mean, do i do things because i like being so supportive or do i like people to picture me as being such a nice guy? if i enjoy being a nice guy, am i doing it for my own pleasure or because my actions are good? i could go on forever like this, but it wouldn't do any good. i've tried to convince myself before that good actions can be done for no self-serving purpose but it's never worked out. oh well. i just want people to like me ;)
also, i have been playing acoustic music for too long. i have a lovely blue hw.1 strat and new red leather epiphone amp {fucking gorgeous, the two of them} and i can't ever think of anything good and electric to play. i guess i have been spending too much time with big country at school for my own good. would be a shame to waste all this lovely equipment. oh, i've decided i need to write a song too. maybe in the bright eyes style. that doesn't seem too terribly difficult. i feel like i can't use standard chords because all of them have been used before. in some postmodern way, i know that whatever combination i come up with has been used a hundred times before. doesn't necessarily matter, though, i guess, since new songs are created every day with the same old stuff and none of them really sound the same. so i won't worry about it. probably save it till the summer, though, and keep coming up with cool little sounding things at school. shit, who am i trying to fool? i've never written a decent lyric or lick in my life. it's a nice thought though, eh?
life has been odd lately. up and down, in and out, it's crazy. i'm finding, i think, that i don't really have to be with somebody as much as i thought i did. it's nice, to be sure, to share a bed with somebody that {hopefully} finds you special. hell, i enjoy it even if i don't sleep. i think i'm just a whore for feeling like people love me. and i can be a friend, maybe that's all i can be. who knows? i hold out a small hope that these things can be revisited in the future, even if nobody else does, because no matter how i have been treated i absolutely can't let people go. even if they are shit to me, if they meant a lot at some point in time, i want to keep them around. also why this summer should be interesting. seems like possibly the one person i'm used to seeing that i would choose to remain in steady contact with more than the rest, i might not speak to much at all. and it's really quite hard to say that, because there are others whom i love dearly too, i guess i'm just thinking of this situation right now. ah well, we will see.
i think i should stop. i've reached the point where my perspective has changed. i don't mean emotionally but mentally... i think. my eyes are connected to my brain in such a way that it suddenly feels like i am looking down on the screen instead of across to it. like my brain is telling my body that i'm looking down when i'm looking ahead. aside from that, i have trouble keeping touch with gravity when i close my eyes. it's fun this way, i guess, to space out every time you blink, just not conducive to writing. so goodnight, good luck, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
posted by sunshine at 12:20 AM
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