3am

this is not a glamorous post

its nearly three in the morning and im still awake. this would be no big thing except that i tried to go to sleep half an hour ago. life's been pretty much a battle since then. see, i had the brilliant idea to go eat cherrios and read hemingway before going to bed. this doesn't sound so bad, i know, but with a little bit of unluck, it can turn out that way. one of those damned cherrios wouldn't follow the others... wound up, far as i can tell, up in my nasal cavity. just sitting there, a sticky, damp, soft little cherrio bit. just fucking... sitting there. just so i could feel it.

i'm sick as it is, so i cough a lot and clear my throat a lot and such but it does not much good. try and lay in bed and not pay attention to it but i can't. can't go to sleep, can't think of much else, tell you the truth. and i gave all my sleeping pills away... laying there still, if i refrained from hacking, i could track its little movements. sliding slowly down; i would try and swallow. usually wouldn't work. cough some, clear some, swallow some... no such luck. finally i just let it settle some, then snort like im going to hock a loogie {i don't hock loogies} and swallow. figure it catches the little booger and drags it down my throat. well i get it a little bit down and keep swallowing and it keeps moving a little farther down, just so i can feel it every time i repeat.

so i jump out of bed and go to my fridge, take my half-gallon of milk, and start drinking it. just to initiate some progress. well im standing up straight and swallowing but i can still feel it there, deep down. ""come on, esaphagus, do your thing," i probably said out loud. so i tapped a little on my throat and walked around some and went back to bed.

i had just seen "the exorcist" so i wasn't surprised when this certain cherrio appeared to be from hell. because as soon as i lay back down, it started coming back up. i know, i know, how can a cherrio climb back up one's throat. can't really answer that one, but it did. little bastard. and what can i do? i swallow upon swallow but in the downtime between swallows {and i'm running out of spit} it continues climbing. i try sucking it into my mouth, but to no avail. eventually its back in the same damn nasal cavity it started in, like the golfball in happy gilmore finding its way home. i'm both amazed, sickened, and really pissed off. so i cough and hack and swallow and snort until it is back on the bottom of my throat again, jump out of bed and grab a water and fucking chug it. i'm talking, finished a marathon chugging water. no room to breathe. if that doesn't do away with it, i don't know what will.

so i climb back into bed, readjust all the pillows, and continue with the trying to sleep. but it's still there, somewhere. and i cough a lot... and i notice that some of the particularly violent coughs make me feel sick. ahhh, a plan is hatched. so i jump out of bed and go to the bathroom.

first i went to the mirror to see if i could see it... of course not. then i slowly walk to the right stall {my favorite} and stood there, staring at the seat-up toilet. these aren't the cleanest bathrooms in the world, but they are passable. still, i wasn't going to touch anything. i try tensing certain muscles in my stomach, as that forced bile up into my throat, but never actually accomplished anything. so i tried coughing really hard. this forced coughing, if done correctly, would leave one bent over, out of breath but still pushing for more to come out, essentially, forcing a little stomach action.

i tried it once but managed a dry-heave. in fact, it hurt quite bad. stayed hung over the toilet but couldn't force anything else. just spit running from my mouth. stood up. thought about using my finger but didn't want to seem too much like a bulimic and decided that should probably be a last resort. coughed again, bent double, and got nothing. decided to try it once more before resorting to the contingency plan. coughed again, hard this time, bent double, and managed to actually force some sickness. nothing much, but something. i stayed bent over, just looking at it floating there in the bowl, and noticed a tear had rolled down my cheek and was perched precariously on the tip of my nose. stayed bent over and another wave came over me, this time powerfully, and i vomited once for real, cherrios and milk gone. i thought this might be enough, and stood up, turned around, and walked out. saw the tear still hanging on and splashed a little water on my face. came home.

had a long drag of milk when i got back into my room but i don't think it helped. i feel sick anyway. and, as a cherrio from hell would, i think it's still there. i think i'm going to go die.