the bottom

there is no good way to start writing this. i used to wonder who would cry, if i died. find out who really cared. but i've been to those funerals and seen all those people and prefer not to think about that anymore. still, a lot of the time, i get the deep impression that people just don't give a damn about me. of course my family cares but they aren't here, just these other cruel teenagers. in fact, the only one that openly says she does, i can't bring myself to fully trust. the only one i really believe does, i don't speak to or spend much time with.

i don't even think people hear me, a lot of the time, or even care. my goddamned roommate {who i have grown to detest over the course of the year} continues to keep me up all night long and sleep all day. this is one of those ongoing things that eats away at me every single day and reminding me of how long it is until summer. i was talking to wipp in the mag room yesterday about the new t-shirt i was wearing, that my parents picked up in the bahamas on a cruise they just returned from. i was in the middle of telling her where they went on the cruise when i look down to see her facing the other direction talking to jrod about something. i'm in the middle of a sentence but what is there to do, really? i just stop talking, keep walking. nobody notices.

i was sitting in the lounge later, studying and exclaimed out loud how bad i thought i would fail this test. usually, i would make some sort of comment or question just to make conversation, just so the person would know i heard them. she didn't even look up... but maybe she didn't hear me. my roommate walks in and they start talking about her ex-boyfriend and her issues with him. we used to talk about that stuff, she used to confide in me - at least i thought so. she used to be the one asking about how things were going with me and the girl, although she doesn't anymore. they are sitting no more than five feet away from me and when the subject comes up, they lower their voices so i can't hear. i just stare at the page of notes, not reading anything. they agree to talk later and he leaves. that and she takes walks with other guys, talking etc. i can't help but be jealous. not because i want her, but because i want someone to care about me again.

it seems like the most individually thoughtful people out there are not the ones i know but the ones that hold the door for me when i'm walking behind them.

there are those that can't help it and i can't really blame them for it. i im'ed an old friend of mine just because i needed someone to talk to, just someone i knew gave a shit. i tried explaining how much of a mess i was but she left to go study for some odd exam. and i know i can't afford to feel bad about it or blame her for leaving but the timing was just awful. everybody leaves. and it may be inappropriate to wish oneself into a coma but if i could rise above my own body for a while to see who felt what...

i joke about suicide but am never serious about it. those are people who really believe, i guess, that nobody cares. i've had friends who have tried and i've had friends who have succeeded and i've been to the funerals and waited hours at wakes just to see the families. maybe they just weren't paying attention. it's easy to imagine ugly people, fat people, disfigured or depressed, having to live with the life they have been given. i can feel how hard it must be, to be given one life and have it go to shit. and i know plenty of unappealing people who enjoy life fine and plenty of people whose lives have fallen apart around them... it happens in different ways. how many of them would trade everything they have if they thought they could have another chance in another body... being born again? i wouldn't. nah, i have too much invested in this life so far, but that's a tic of mine in itself. just a thought.

i was sitting in a chem lab review session yesterday afternoon and noticed two legs of the two chairs next to me were intertwined. they were staggered and curved, so that one sat just around below the other one. and both chairs sat there and looked ahead to the t.a. in front of the class but there was this contact, below the surface, that was so immediately familiar to me. because i know exactly what it is they are doing, talking on a cell phone before a concert while holding hands. it was really sweet to see.