so it goes

this is the 489th post.

another late night in a (mostly) dark room listening to music through headphones. this is a recipe for love. i'm almost happy to be writing all this.

tonight i went out for a walk with a wonderful friend. we crossed the quad and sat up against reynolda's second floor on a bench and talked for a long time. under the dovetail homecoming flags the chapel thrust up into the sky. for the first time, it looked to me like a church with a funny green hat on. symbolic mourners crowded the front steps, gathered in a circle with candles.

it was beautiful.






so this might be it. i've been writing on this thing since august, 2002. a little over five years. bet you didn't see that coming. it started as an idea but grew into a way for me to write about learning and learn from what i found myself saying. it's therapy and has been for a long time. it's how i'd find out i wasn't myself. it was and is, more than anything, the cobwebs that get cleared out of my head. without it, i think i'd go crazy. it's my sanity.

it's become clear over time that this thing can't be all that to me anymore. it doesn't work like it used to. it's hard to say what i want to when i know who is reading. it's far too easy to end up censored without even knowing it. a great friend once told me to quit talking around the issue. to just come out and say it, whatever it is. to be open and honest and forthright. i should have known better... not to ignore the advice but to implement it in a more intelligent manner.

i realize it has to end. it hurt to find that i have to protect those i love from myself and all that wanders around inside me. this thing will stay, an archive of a real person. five years of myself.

i guess, with time, it will end up as it was all along...

cobwebs.

gnite