explosions (in my mind)
i have that same old sickness. the one i had earlier in the summer. the one where i get this deja-vu feeling but it's so strong and so potent that it's overwhelming. takes me back to a dream some early morning, some frustration of still being in bed and stuck in limbo. the song in my head changes just a little bit, to a more mocking, taunting part. everything in the room gains a personality and sneers at me. laughs at me. i swear to god it's true. the things i've done a thousand times before, the places i've seen more times than i can remember. i have to lay down for a while or it will get to me. my head shrinks, pressure like someone lit a fire at the back of my skull. sweating. headache. nausea. my mother thinks it's premonitions, migraines. feels like death to me.
it's only going to feel like 93 tomorrow. how cool is that? (rimshot) after all the 100-degree days we've been having... seems like an excellent day to get some mulching done. i'll go out in the morning and get a truckfull up the road, spend all day shoveling it from the bed out onto our lawns at various places. oh, it's a dream come true. i guess i never dug that hole, though, so i need some sort of shovelwork.
fuck. not much to say tonight. today was all wrong anyway. an off-day i guess. maybe it's cause i was so sick last night. i don't know. i was driving out to fuquay this morning and i could tell that it was all wrong. the music i was so fond of, it felt empty, same this afternoon. maybe it's cause i hadn't been to fuquay for that reason in years, i don't know. it felt different to be inside my head, in control of my body. like something had changed way down in the key, in the core, in the root of myself. way down as far as you can go. the taproot i came from. not the same person. like i'd just come off major surgery, hospital maintenance, yesterday, and there were still some fucked up chemicals floating around in my body. not everything right. lights on in the daytime will do that to me. it's not a good idea. driving out to garner to drop books off at the library, same thing. one of my favorite albums and i just couldn't get into it. dinner didn't taste good even though it was one of my favorites. i can't have enough to drink tonight. still thirsty even though i feel fat and bloated.
tomorrow is another day.
hopefully i'll be myself again.
it's only going to feel like 93 tomorrow. how cool is that? (rimshot) after all the 100-degree days we've been having... seems like an excellent day to get some mulching done. i'll go out in the morning and get a truckfull up the road, spend all day shoveling it from the bed out onto our lawns at various places. oh, it's a dream come true. i guess i never dug that hole, though, so i need some sort of shovelwork.
fuck. not much to say tonight. today was all wrong anyway. an off-day i guess. maybe it's cause i was so sick last night. i don't know. i was driving out to fuquay this morning and i could tell that it was all wrong. the music i was so fond of, it felt empty, same this afternoon. maybe it's cause i hadn't been to fuquay for that reason in years, i don't know. it felt different to be inside my head, in control of my body. like something had changed way down in the key, in the core, in the root of myself. way down as far as you can go. the taproot i came from. not the same person. like i'd just come off major surgery, hospital maintenance, yesterday, and there were still some fucked up chemicals floating around in my body. not everything right. lights on in the daytime will do that to me. it's not a good idea. driving out to garner to drop books off at the library, same thing. one of my favorite albums and i just couldn't get into it. dinner didn't taste good even though it was one of my favorites. i can't have enough to drink tonight. still thirsty even though i feel fat and bloated.
tomorrow is another day.
hopefully i'll be myself again.
posted by sunshine at 11:25 PM
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