it's always for you
know what's strange? i have a decent amount of confidence in myself in only one thing. i feel like i can communicate with people pretty well. which is to say, adults like me. young people too, for the most part. still, there are times when my heart stops. when my first reaction is to tense up, stop the bleeding, think in the middle of the act. why i can't just relax, i'll never know. when i have no words, whatsoever, at all, ever again. i guess that's what alcohol is for.
what is odd about all this is that i'm not confident in anything else. i don't believe i can do anything else well. i can't write music or play soccer anymore. i can't ride a bicycle or answer phones in a secretarial way. no way in hell could i ever wait tables... and yet, aren't you supposed to wait tables when you aren't smart enough to do anything else? speaking of grown people here. it can't be that hard. dull people are everywhere doing things i can't see myself being able to handle. i can do schoolwork, that's all. and it scares me to death that i faxed in a resume for a job at an orthopedic surgery clinic in winston. maybe i'd answer phones, check in patients, interface with insurance companies, help the doctor... whatever. i can't see myself being able to do any of that well. i don't know why. it's a part-time job being offered to undergrads. what was it happened to me to make me so insecure? i'll figure it all out someday.
actually, the funny part is that i can imagine this all being rooted in one thing. i don't even want to say it for fear of being dumb and pitiable. it's a wonder what being loved will do for you.
the easiest people to love are the ones you've never met. they are without flaws, the embodiment of all that you find wonderful. usually movie stars or musicians. at least in my experiences, anyway. the musicians are the best because you don't fall in love with the image of them. you fall for what they sing, how they do it, the idea of them. then, in my shallowish case, assuming they are at least of average appearance, it's love.
i look forward to that. i really shouldn't. one thing i've been reading lately that i believe is that there is no mountain peak without the mountain sides. it's better to enjoy the climb than to simply strive for the top. however, the sides are defined by the top, so we keep going. the key is to appreciate the journey that we take. funny thing is, someone told me that a long time ago but i never listened. too focused on the future. does it make me a terrible person for not being as hurt by our distance now that it looks like she's gained weight? i never claimed to be perfect.
just in love. stalkerishly in love. i'm moving to the very center of the country.
one thing i think i can do is ride a motorcycle. i don't know why i feel like i can do that and nothing else. why should i be more afraid of checking in a patient than riding a cbr600 or cb500 or speed triple in the dark? i'm much less afraid of anything i can do alone. i play guitar alone. i sing alone. i dance alone. if i had someone sitting right behind me on the bike, it would probably be a different story. i still have that glorious silly dream of riding around at night just because i feel like it. out in the dark. slow. cool wind. i have a nickname for myself during those times. easy tiger. it happens also to be the new ryan adams album that i haven't listened to yet.
do you know how high i'm feeling right now? in fact, i don't think my body can take it. i can feel the heat creeping up my spinal column into the medula. i can feel my medula. is that strange? no drugs. just music and life and people and dreams. that dream of the motorcycle. pirsig was dead on when he spoke of riding in a car like watching tv. all frames of reference and windows and it's boring and saddening and angering if you endure it long enough. when you're on a motorcycle, he said, you're in the world itself, not just choosing to watch it or not. you face the wind, feel the temperature, can reach down your toe and touch the pavement blurrily passing by. you're there and it's real. it's a meditative experience. it's freedom. it's also safer, hourly, than riding a horse. who knew?
i couldn't be happier with the idea. the bike. the music. the musician. if i could feel this every day, life would never pass me by.
what is odd about all this is that i'm not confident in anything else. i don't believe i can do anything else well. i can't write music or play soccer anymore. i can't ride a bicycle or answer phones in a secretarial way. no way in hell could i ever wait tables... and yet, aren't you supposed to wait tables when you aren't smart enough to do anything else? speaking of grown people here. it can't be that hard. dull people are everywhere doing things i can't see myself being able to handle. i can do schoolwork, that's all. and it scares me to death that i faxed in a resume for a job at an orthopedic surgery clinic in winston. maybe i'd answer phones, check in patients, interface with insurance companies, help the doctor... whatever. i can't see myself being able to do any of that well. i don't know why. it's a part-time job being offered to undergrads. what was it happened to me to make me so insecure? i'll figure it all out someday.
actually, the funny part is that i can imagine this all being rooted in one thing. i don't even want to say it for fear of being dumb and pitiable. it's a wonder what being loved will do for you.
the easiest people to love are the ones you've never met. they are without flaws, the embodiment of all that you find wonderful. usually movie stars or musicians. at least in my experiences, anyway. the musicians are the best because you don't fall in love with the image of them. you fall for what they sing, how they do it, the idea of them. then, in my shallowish case, assuming they are at least of average appearance, it's love.
i look forward to that. i really shouldn't. one thing i've been reading lately that i believe is that there is no mountain peak without the mountain sides. it's better to enjoy the climb than to simply strive for the top. however, the sides are defined by the top, so we keep going. the key is to appreciate the journey that we take. funny thing is, someone told me that a long time ago but i never listened. too focused on the future. does it make me a terrible person for not being as hurt by our distance now that it looks like she's gained weight? i never claimed to be perfect.
just in love. stalkerishly in love. i'm moving to the very center of the country.
one thing i think i can do is ride a motorcycle. i don't know why i feel like i can do that and nothing else. why should i be more afraid of checking in a patient than riding a cbr600 or cb500 or speed triple in the dark? i'm much less afraid of anything i can do alone. i play guitar alone. i sing alone. i dance alone. if i had someone sitting right behind me on the bike, it would probably be a different story. i still have that glorious silly dream of riding around at night just because i feel like it. out in the dark. slow. cool wind. i have a nickname for myself during those times. easy tiger. it happens also to be the new ryan adams album that i haven't listened to yet.
do you know how high i'm feeling right now? in fact, i don't think my body can take it. i can feel the heat creeping up my spinal column into the medula. i can feel my medula. is that strange? no drugs. just music and life and people and dreams. that dream of the motorcycle. pirsig was dead on when he spoke of riding in a car like watching tv. all frames of reference and windows and it's boring and saddening and angering if you endure it long enough. when you're on a motorcycle, he said, you're in the world itself, not just choosing to watch it or not. you face the wind, feel the temperature, can reach down your toe and touch the pavement blurrily passing by. you're there and it's real. it's a meditative experience. it's freedom. it's also safer, hourly, than riding a horse. who knew?
i couldn't be happier with the idea. the bike. the music. the musician. if i could feel this every day, life would never pass me by.
posted by sunshine at 11:40 PM
1 Comments:
i like your entries and seeing that i am in a stage of shear procastination, your few years of archives may keep me away from my own thoughts...thankyou
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