this is how it works
confused. charles barkley is stumbling through an interview with david letterman. just did the top ten list. it's early saturday morning at the beach. i'm bored but i'm still glad i'm here instead of out other places. i could be at a big drunken gathering in raleigh to celebrate an old friend's 21st birthday. truth is, i'm kind of glad the beach thing got moved to this weekened (with my mother and grandmother...) just so i wouldn't have to lie not to go. i love him and all, and would sure as hell enjoy drinking with the kid sometime. just not in that situation. figure a large crowd. figure i know about half of them. figure even those i haven't seen or kept up with since high school. figure lots of drunks. figure me not staying the night and not being able to drink because of it. where does that leave me? i'm anti-social as it is. i'd rather be a good friend, be kind, be generous, and be here instead. it's true.
earlier today i was sitting at the stoplight at hammond road/hw 70 in garner watching the people drive past. the eastward lanes hit their red light and the western left-turn got the green. a mid-nineties pickup truck was first, followed by a pristine top-down mid-life crisis volvo c-70. beautiful car, really. the truck took off slowly and a thin, brown plastic bag lifted calmly out of the bed and literally hung in the air four feet off the ground. there was enough movement in the air to hold it right in position. the volvo driver, a grey-haired man, slowed the car up to avoid hitting the magical plastic bag but it didn't courteously move itself so he drove on carefully through it. the bag swept across his hood and gracefully up the windshield, vaulting up in the air inches above his head. as it left the glass and entered free airspace again, the danger behind him, the mid-life man hit his throttle and tried to get out of there... only... the bag wrapped itself around his radio antenna and hung on valiantly as he high-tailed it away in shit-stained surrender. i laughed hard and our loud in my own volvo as he strained his neck to see what was going on as he tried to keep in his lane. first time i've laughed like that in a good long time. it was pretty nice.
i'm getting jealous of my friends doing things with their summers while i'm stuck at home and in school. it's about over anyway, two exams monday and tuesday and i'm actually really done for the summer. until i feel like working again anyway. i'm planning for times to come. i applied to work for the field hockey team this year so i kind of hope that works out. or sports medicine as a work study job. that was my second choice. i'm hoping school will be as easy as i'm counting on - summer school damn well wasn't - and that i'll have time to meet new friends and get drunk with them. maybe i'll get high too. if the right opportunity presents itself anyway. and maybe i'll have that damn job i've gotten fucked over for the past two years. maybe "little ireland" will work out ok. i've got a lot of maybe's, to be certain. i'm thinking maybe i'll get dean's list for a third straight semester. i'm such a dork. if i'm lucky, i'll start/join a band. how often can i write about all this stuff? feels like it comes up fairly often.
but next summer, after another short year, i have no idea what will happen. i'm hoping i can head out to europe and tour around some while i still have the chance. i was also hoping i could move out. and get a job i'd actually enjoy. i can't really see all three working out. maybe just the first. i need more summers, i really do. i remember an episode of mike rowe's "dirty jobs" last year where he went out on a small boat with a guy off of martha's vineyard and caught sharks for research. they'd grind fish, make a chum slick, catch a shark, tag it, take blood, measure etc. and throw it back. what a job. got me thinking of what jobs there are out here at the beach. something like that? do they do shark research out here? i'd love to find out. if i had any internet right now - which is quite confusing, as i'm connected but the modem is telling me it isn't working and the internet itself is failing... but i'm connected... - i'd be looking around for internships and the such. maybe a paid one. i don't know. i just want to do interesting things, that's all.
today during chemistry, geoff brought out his laptop and scanned facebook while the rest of us oggled diethyl malonate reactions. naturally, i snuck peeks as he responded to birthday messages, never reading anything but noticing at least who he was writing to. and i happened to notice one note in particular, a long one. and i happened to notice who it was from. and i happened to remember that i never got a note like that on my birthday... and it reminded me that we haven't spoken in a little while and leads to all kinds of conclusions in my mind. this is a sad story.
this is how it works.
i've gotta know. why are you so much closer to him than me? (this is me going mad, going sad) is it all just history, maybe there was something i should have done differently in high school? i mean, i'm just jealous anyway. what is it about me that drives you away? am i hard to deal with? am i really that bad? oh my god, i'm that bad. i'm crazy. i'm a crazy bastard. is it because i have the same issues over and over again? i bet i complain about the same things over and over again. i bet i complain and don't even realize it. i probably talk too much too and don't listen. i probably don't really offer that much in terms of being a friend. do i still overreact? i used to, i know. i hate that. how i used to be. am i still like that? am i terrible and soul-sucking and don't even know it? how could i not realize that? so i never really made the connection with you that so many other people did, is that it? or did i and i just fucked it up? i fucked it up, didn't i? i'm crazy and terrible and soul-sucking and i fucked it up with you.
so this is it. you're repulsed by me. i'm crazy now and i always was. i'm alone. i'm sad. and i hate myself.
that's pretty much it.
earlier today i was sitting at the stoplight at hammond road/hw 70 in garner watching the people drive past. the eastward lanes hit their red light and the western left-turn got the green. a mid-nineties pickup truck was first, followed by a pristine top-down mid-life crisis volvo c-70. beautiful car, really. the truck took off slowly and a thin, brown plastic bag lifted calmly out of the bed and literally hung in the air four feet off the ground. there was enough movement in the air to hold it right in position. the volvo driver, a grey-haired man, slowed the car up to avoid hitting the magical plastic bag but it didn't courteously move itself so he drove on carefully through it. the bag swept across his hood and gracefully up the windshield, vaulting up in the air inches above his head. as it left the glass and entered free airspace again, the danger behind him, the mid-life man hit his throttle and tried to get out of there... only... the bag wrapped itself around his radio antenna and hung on valiantly as he high-tailed it away in shit-stained surrender. i laughed hard and our loud in my own volvo as he strained his neck to see what was going on as he tried to keep in his lane. first time i've laughed like that in a good long time. it was pretty nice.
i'm getting jealous of my friends doing things with their summers while i'm stuck at home and in school. it's about over anyway, two exams monday and tuesday and i'm actually really done for the summer. until i feel like working again anyway. i'm planning for times to come. i applied to work for the field hockey team this year so i kind of hope that works out. or sports medicine as a work study job. that was my second choice. i'm hoping school will be as easy as i'm counting on - summer school damn well wasn't - and that i'll have time to meet new friends and get drunk with them. maybe i'll get high too. if the right opportunity presents itself anyway. and maybe i'll have that damn job i've gotten fucked over for the past two years. maybe "little ireland" will work out ok. i've got a lot of maybe's, to be certain. i'm thinking maybe i'll get dean's list for a third straight semester. i'm such a dork. if i'm lucky, i'll start/join a band. how often can i write about all this stuff? feels like it comes up fairly often.
but next summer, after another short year, i have no idea what will happen. i'm hoping i can head out to europe and tour around some while i still have the chance. i was also hoping i could move out. and get a job i'd actually enjoy. i can't really see all three working out. maybe just the first. i need more summers, i really do. i remember an episode of mike rowe's "dirty jobs" last year where he went out on a small boat with a guy off of martha's vineyard and caught sharks for research. they'd grind fish, make a chum slick, catch a shark, tag it, take blood, measure etc. and throw it back. what a job. got me thinking of what jobs there are out here at the beach. something like that? do they do shark research out here? i'd love to find out. if i had any internet right now - which is quite confusing, as i'm connected but the modem is telling me it isn't working and the internet itself is failing... but i'm connected... - i'd be looking around for internships and the such. maybe a paid one. i don't know. i just want to do interesting things, that's all.
today during chemistry, geoff brought out his laptop and scanned facebook while the rest of us oggled diethyl malonate reactions. naturally, i snuck peeks as he responded to birthday messages, never reading anything but noticing at least who he was writing to. and i happened to notice one note in particular, a long one. and i happened to notice who it was from. and i happened to remember that i never got a note like that on my birthday... and it reminded me that we haven't spoken in a little while and leads to all kinds of conclusions in my mind. this is a sad story.
this is how it works.
i've gotta know. why are you so much closer to him than me? (this is me going mad, going sad) is it all just history, maybe there was something i should have done differently in high school? i mean, i'm just jealous anyway. what is it about me that drives you away? am i hard to deal with? am i really that bad? oh my god, i'm that bad. i'm crazy. i'm a crazy bastard. is it because i have the same issues over and over again? i bet i complain about the same things over and over again. i bet i complain and don't even realize it. i probably talk too much too and don't listen. i probably don't really offer that much in terms of being a friend. do i still overreact? i used to, i know. i hate that. how i used to be. am i still like that? am i terrible and soul-sucking and don't even know it? how could i not realize that? so i never really made the connection with you that so many other people did, is that it? or did i and i just fucked it up? i fucked it up, didn't i? i'm crazy and terrible and soul-sucking and i fucked it up with you.
so this is it. you're repulsed by me. i'm crazy now and i always was. i'm alone. i'm sad. and i hate myself.
that's pretty much it.
posted by sunshine at 12:02 AM
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