dictation
i know i've said this a lot over the past couple years but it's still true. i basically monologue all day long thinking of things to write about. problem is, when i finally put forth the effort to damnwell sit here and write those things... i can't remember any of them. that's basically how it goes. so i know there's a hundred things i want to say. trust me, i have a hundred interesting things to say. i'm just not going to say any of them, ok?
my parents need to realize that school is fucking hard, that i do a very good job of taking care of myself and working hard, and that if i get an 80 on an organic exam when the class average is a 65, that's not cause for concern, that's super. i'd kind of like their trust sometimes. i think next summer i'll move out anyway, though. i always feel one step behind everyone else i know. either they're at home with jobs or moved out or moved out with jobs. i'm stuck here at home doing more school with no job whatsoever. great way to save money, right?
jennifer aniston has perfect hands.
i'm wondering if and how i could reinvent myself. i think that would be a worthwhile thing to do.
spent a while working on my bike this afternoon. installed the front brakes, cables, and brake lever. works ok but the pads are twisted and i think i need to get a couple washers in between the spring setup so they don't rotate before they hit the wheel. squeaks a lot too. still, since i had front/rear both working ok, i rode it up the street a ways and back again. didn't fall or nothin. i'm so damn smart.
i've been having these deja vus... i think anyway. it feels like if you have some experience where you feel like you've been somewhere before, it is automatically a deja vu, or at least that's something convenient to call it. it's not really that, though. i think i've dreamed these things, these places, these feelings before. there are so many of them. outside about to wash my car. in the kitchen reading a magazine. washing the mini. sitting in here watching baseball. looking up the stairwell from the basement. over and over, crimson and clover, over and over. these dreams i've had, these images i've seen. problem is, most of them are very strongly connected to emotions. just a while back i was watching the braves game and some braves commercial came on, chipper jones' face on the tv, him hitting a home run. all so familiar. i relate that one to getting up in the morning, that unhappy late late late dream when it gets light outside. maybe i know i have to get up soon but i'm still sleeping. i know the images and i know the time and i know how it feels. the emotions are so damn powerful, it's overwhelming. i get sick, nauseous, weak. it's incredibly difficult to explain. like being unable to breathe. a heaviness deep in the core of you where oxygen doesn't help. the overwhelming difficulty of realizing a pretend moment over and over.
the worst of it now, i can't remember your face.
the worst thing is, and i feel like i have to say this, isn't exactly friendships or relationships falling apart, but when somebody else doesn't even seem to care. that's the proof to me. a year and a half ago i was close to someone. i stopped it because i didn't really believe it was real, more of a lie. after all the time we'd spent talking, walking, watching movies... she never spoke to me. never made eye contact when we'd pass walking. pretended not to know me as much as i pretended not to know her. that's just it for me. she never even loved me as a friend. you don't just let somebody go. doesn't care one bit whether i exist or not, never did. and i still lose friends, or it feels like it. i'd love for them to return, but they still don't even try to make me return. that hurts worse than about anything. i don't really know what to expect. as a general rule, i act mean and hope people will reach out to me so i can reconcile all. still sucks when they don't. i waste away on people whom i won't speak to just hoping they'll find words for me.
my parents need to realize that school is fucking hard, that i do a very good job of taking care of myself and working hard, and that if i get an 80 on an organic exam when the class average is a 65, that's not cause for concern, that's super. i'd kind of like their trust sometimes. i think next summer i'll move out anyway, though. i always feel one step behind everyone else i know. either they're at home with jobs or moved out or moved out with jobs. i'm stuck here at home doing more school with no job whatsoever. great way to save money, right?
jennifer aniston has perfect hands.
i'm wondering if and how i could reinvent myself. i think that would be a worthwhile thing to do.
spent a while working on my bike this afternoon. installed the front brakes, cables, and brake lever. works ok but the pads are twisted and i think i need to get a couple washers in between the spring setup so they don't rotate before they hit the wheel. squeaks a lot too. still, since i had front/rear both working ok, i rode it up the street a ways and back again. didn't fall or nothin. i'm so damn smart.
i've been having these deja vus... i think anyway. it feels like if you have some experience where you feel like you've been somewhere before, it is automatically a deja vu, or at least that's something convenient to call it. it's not really that, though. i think i've dreamed these things, these places, these feelings before. there are so many of them. outside about to wash my car. in the kitchen reading a magazine. washing the mini. sitting in here watching baseball. looking up the stairwell from the basement. over and over, crimson and clover, over and over. these dreams i've had, these images i've seen. problem is, most of them are very strongly connected to emotions. just a while back i was watching the braves game and some braves commercial came on, chipper jones' face on the tv, him hitting a home run. all so familiar. i relate that one to getting up in the morning, that unhappy late late late dream when it gets light outside. maybe i know i have to get up soon but i'm still sleeping. i know the images and i know the time and i know how it feels. the emotions are so damn powerful, it's overwhelming. i get sick, nauseous, weak. it's incredibly difficult to explain. like being unable to breathe. a heaviness deep in the core of you where oxygen doesn't help. the overwhelming difficulty of realizing a pretend moment over and over.
the worst of it now, i can't remember your face.
the worst thing is, and i feel like i have to say this, isn't exactly friendships or relationships falling apart, but when somebody else doesn't even seem to care. that's the proof to me. a year and a half ago i was close to someone. i stopped it because i didn't really believe it was real, more of a lie. after all the time we'd spent talking, walking, watching movies... she never spoke to me. never made eye contact when we'd pass walking. pretended not to know me as much as i pretended not to know her. that's just it for me. she never even loved me as a friend. you don't just let somebody go. doesn't care one bit whether i exist or not, never did. and i still lose friends, or it feels like it. i'd love for them to return, but they still don't even try to make me return. that hurts worse than about anything. i don't really know what to expect. as a general rule, i act mean and hope people will reach out to me so i can reconcile all. still sucks when they don't. i waste away on people whom i won't speak to just hoping they'll find words for me.
posted by sunshine at 12:15 AM
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