half
it's after two and i'm laying on my bed listening to this wonderful beautiful album i've never heard before. it's dark except for the light from my laptop, the two clocks (microwave and alarm) and the broken lines framing my door, not to mention the peephole. i'm sure if i turned those lights off, i'd notice the glow creeping in under the blinds from the parking lot. i can't decide whether i'm happy being alone here or if i'd rather be sharing this small space with someone else. i can only think of one other time i've ever used my computer on my bed and i think the situation was pretty similar. writing a story for class... it was a different album back then, though.
there's still a big red line across my wrist from the rubber band welts. still a little gray scar a couple inches up, too.
there's only one of my "friends" online. this one freshman girl i took bio lab with last semester. we did a presentation. it was kind of nice; she was cute. i tried talking to her a couple times afterwards but i really don't think she cared much to be friends with me. oh well. no use in trying to talk to her now.
i had emailed somebody up at the gonzo store about a t-shirt they had on clearance that wouldn't add to my shopping cart about five days ago. i'd forgotten about the whole thing but someone emailed back tonight saying they still had two shirts left and that the checkout mechanism worked fine for them. if it didn't work, i could get back with them. i tried it again, was able to order, and wrote back with a short little note saying it worked fine and thanks. i got an email at midnight saying "Thanks for your order. I'll ship it out tomorrow. Have a wonderful night." really made me smile. i wish there were more people in the world like that.
i'm a little concerned about the future. i hate to think i'm wasting $45,000 a year going to school here if i don't... become something. i always figured on med school and hospitals and radiology or something. i found a website a couple days ago to the tune of 'so you want to be a radiologist...' it basically recommended that you do it because you love it and because you have a good heart and because you wanted to heal people because otherwise, you just wouldn't make it. it's just too hard. and, you know... that's not really me at all. what else is there to do? investment banking? fuck. i was thinking what i wanted to do had nothing to do with jobs or careers. but then i figured... well, there's always writing for a magazine. shooting pictures. teaching skydiving. owning a restaurant. cooking? oh, and being in a band :) i guess those are careers. i don't know how much a liberal arts education is going to speed me on my way, though...
i just laid here for a couple hours and watched "half nelson" in the dark. great movie, by the way. too bad i have to degrade it by writing a paper for sociology on it. you know, it didn't even really help. not what i expected anyway. still good.
maybe i'll be the next hunter s thompson.
i can't say how much i'd like to close my eyes and float away right now. i've always had this dream of flying. independently flying, not like in a plane or with wings. feels like too much effort. just floating, you know? all alone, unattached. out of reach. how wonderful would that be? maybe there are drugs that can make you do that.
you know what? i'm happy tonight. maybe not actively happy. maybe content. maybe i'll get a haircut like ryan gosling and grow a beard. of course then i'd have to start smoking, snorting crack, and be a basehead. i guess i'll see where the summer leads first. i still need to dig that hole. i'm hungry. i haven't eaten dinner in a couple days.
i wonder if most people are content with their lives. when i think of my future it's pretty great. i'd say better than 93% of people's lives. i guess that's just americans, though. worldwide, probably 99.97%. i wonder if i'll make it that high. i worry because it's only that one chance. i worry because my heart has beat once every second for the past 636,366,000 seconds, approximately. i worry because it must be getting tired and it makes me intensely tired thinking about how it never stops. and i really really honestly wish it would just rest so i could rest. and i wouldn't blame it one bit for quitting right now because i would were i in its situation. and that would be it. my one chance. and i wonder about those other six billion people whose lives aren't quite what my future is imagined to be. are they all disappointed? how am i gonna be when things don't go my way?
maybe i'll be the first... me.
whenever i say 'you', it's not supposed to be painfully obvious who i'm talking to. i think it should be, by now. i know the other girl, she doesn't read anymore. i know you'd like this album here. it always seems like we're out of phase, doesn't it? not that it matters. i'm a disaster and you're a healer. just thought it was strange how these things work out. i also think it's strange that you're a couple hundred miles away asleep right now. that you're a part of the world at the same time i'm dozing off in my dark room tapping away while my music hits its last track. doesn't seem like you should exist. i'm sorry, i'm rambling. just thought it was interesting.
sweet dreams, goodnight.
there's still a big red line across my wrist from the rubber band welts. still a little gray scar a couple inches up, too.
there's only one of my "friends" online. this one freshman girl i took bio lab with last semester. we did a presentation. it was kind of nice; she was cute. i tried talking to her a couple times afterwards but i really don't think she cared much to be friends with me. oh well. no use in trying to talk to her now.
i had emailed somebody up at the gonzo store about a t-shirt they had on clearance that wouldn't add to my shopping cart about five days ago. i'd forgotten about the whole thing but someone emailed back tonight saying they still had two shirts left and that the checkout mechanism worked fine for them. if it didn't work, i could get back with them. i tried it again, was able to order, and wrote back with a short little note saying it worked fine and thanks. i got an email at midnight saying "Thanks for your order. I'll ship it out tomorrow. Have a wonderful night." really made me smile. i wish there were more people in the world like that.
i'm a little concerned about the future. i hate to think i'm wasting $45,000 a year going to school here if i don't... become something. i always figured on med school and hospitals and radiology or something. i found a website a couple days ago to the tune of 'so you want to be a radiologist...' it basically recommended that you do it because you love it and because you have a good heart and because you wanted to heal people because otherwise, you just wouldn't make it. it's just too hard. and, you know... that's not really me at all. what else is there to do? investment banking? fuck. i was thinking what i wanted to do had nothing to do with jobs or careers. but then i figured... well, there's always writing for a magazine. shooting pictures. teaching skydiving. owning a restaurant. cooking? oh, and being in a band :) i guess those are careers. i don't know how much a liberal arts education is going to speed me on my way, though...
i just laid here for a couple hours and watched "half nelson" in the dark. great movie, by the way. too bad i have to degrade it by writing a paper for sociology on it. you know, it didn't even really help. not what i expected anyway. still good.
maybe i'll be the next hunter s thompson.
i can't say how much i'd like to close my eyes and float away right now. i've always had this dream of flying. independently flying, not like in a plane or with wings. feels like too much effort. just floating, you know? all alone, unattached. out of reach. how wonderful would that be? maybe there are drugs that can make you do that.
you know what? i'm happy tonight. maybe not actively happy. maybe content. maybe i'll get a haircut like ryan gosling and grow a beard. of course then i'd have to start smoking, snorting crack, and be a basehead. i guess i'll see where the summer leads first. i still need to dig that hole. i'm hungry. i haven't eaten dinner in a couple days.
i wonder if most people are content with their lives. when i think of my future it's pretty great. i'd say better than 93% of people's lives. i guess that's just americans, though. worldwide, probably 99.97%. i wonder if i'll make it that high. i worry because it's only that one chance. i worry because my heart has beat once every second for the past 636,366,000 seconds, approximately. i worry because it must be getting tired and it makes me intensely tired thinking about how it never stops. and i really really honestly wish it would just rest so i could rest. and i wouldn't blame it one bit for quitting right now because i would were i in its situation. and that would be it. my one chance. and i wonder about those other six billion people whose lives aren't quite what my future is imagined to be. are they all disappointed? how am i gonna be when things don't go my way?
maybe i'll be the first... me.
whenever i say 'you', it's not supposed to be painfully obvious who i'm talking to. i think it should be, by now. i know the other girl, she doesn't read anymore. i know you'd like this album here. it always seems like we're out of phase, doesn't it? not that it matters. i'm a disaster and you're a healer. just thought it was strange how these things work out. i also think it's strange that you're a couple hundred miles away asleep right now. that you're a part of the world at the same time i'm dozing off in my dark room tapping away while my music hits its last track. doesn't seem like you should exist. i'm sorry, i'm rambling. just thought it was interesting.
sweet dreams, goodnight.
posted by sunshine at 2:05 AM
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