selfish and scared
sitting in my parents room tonight while everyone else is downstairs watching television. rainbows, brown adidas athletic pants with big orange and white stripes, white tshirt and a scarf over my mouth. i feel sort of like harry potter.
"saved" was on a little while earlier so i watched a little of it. i know it's just a ** movie and not at all exceptional but i still love it. i'm usually a fan of satire, especially with such an overblown thing as religion. mandy moore's character is almost perfect, although i love jena malone too. i think i usually will like a movie no matter what if i fall for the female lead. unless it's rufus wainwright. him too. usually kind of hate watching stuff like that with my parents though because i know they believe what they believe and probably don't enjoy the satirical nature of it like i do. oh well.
i ordered a guitar strap off the internet today. it's light striped, cotton, and has a peace sign patch on it. i'm excited. also kind of hope i can get that red jacket. i'm a fan of clothes. i wonder when that happened.
every now and then i get to thinking of all the people who would probably ostracize me if i were gay. people make jokes or derogatory comments thinking they're being funny. i never do that. what if it were me? what would they say behind my back? i think a lot of people are scared of it... i just don't know why. it used to be that i could say quite clearly: "i'm not anti-gay but i don't believe it is the right thing to do." {or something like that...} more and more as time goes by, i understand what's going on. maybe i'm just becoming more of an empathetic person, although i've always fancied myself that way. if you asked me now what i believe, i'd have to tell you that i support them 100%. that i believe gays and straights should have the same rights and opportunities. that i don't believe in the christian right preventing their marriages because that's involving church and state and i believe that from a purely state point of view, that with age limits, any two people should be able to marry with rights. as stephen colbert might say, "i don't see sexual preference." i don't know where i'm going with this. i've just lost any weirdness associated with the idea of homosexuality. {and anyway, even if it was beyond his original intent, the god i believe in wouldn't send someone to hell for being attracted to his own sex}
there's an away message i can't stop checking tonight. i don't know how i fall into these fascinations with other people, usually on the goddamn myspace... there's this girl who lives in winston. i've never met her, i think she goes to some tech school. i think i became her "friend" because i liked her name. it's still a very pretty name. i think i told her so and we sent a couple messages back and forth around the beginning of freshman year and i got her screenname. we may or may not have spoken, i can't remember. regardless, it's the first one under the 'wake' section of my buddy list. i never really thought much of her but lately she's been online more and i remembered she lived in town and took another look around her little site. i guess her pics grew on me because everything's so much cuter now. sort of reminiscent of maggie gyllenhaal in 'stranger than fiction' but not in the way you'd imagine. i can't really explain it. just for a little while now, i can't really stop nosing around. i guess i'm just creepy like that. maybe if i actually ever met new people and wasn't such a social giraffe, i'd keep from running into these problems ;)
i think maybe i just need to go to another country and stay a while. i think i'd be better off with a girl who didn't speak english. i can't decide if that would be wonderful or not, having someone you didn't really have to talk to. maybe communication would be that much easier, not having to use words. i always love the sound of another language, though. i wonder if i could go abroad in the spring of next year. that would be an entire year without most people i know at school. maybe that's the best thing.
"saved" was on a little while earlier so i watched a little of it. i know it's just a ** movie and not at all exceptional but i still love it. i'm usually a fan of satire, especially with such an overblown thing as religion. mandy moore's character is almost perfect, although i love jena malone too. i think i usually will like a movie no matter what if i fall for the female lead. unless it's rufus wainwright. him too. usually kind of hate watching stuff like that with my parents though because i know they believe what they believe and probably don't enjoy the satirical nature of it like i do. oh well.
i ordered a guitar strap off the internet today. it's light striped, cotton, and has a peace sign patch on it. i'm excited. also kind of hope i can get that red jacket. i'm a fan of clothes. i wonder when that happened.
every now and then i get to thinking of all the people who would probably ostracize me if i were gay. people make jokes or derogatory comments thinking they're being funny. i never do that. what if it were me? what would they say behind my back? i think a lot of people are scared of it... i just don't know why. it used to be that i could say quite clearly: "i'm not anti-gay but i don't believe it is the right thing to do." {or something like that...} more and more as time goes by, i understand what's going on. maybe i'm just becoming more of an empathetic person, although i've always fancied myself that way. if you asked me now what i believe, i'd have to tell you that i support them 100%. that i believe gays and straights should have the same rights and opportunities. that i don't believe in the christian right preventing their marriages because that's involving church and state and i believe that from a purely state point of view, that with age limits, any two people should be able to marry with rights. as stephen colbert might say, "i don't see sexual preference." i don't know where i'm going with this. i've just lost any weirdness associated with the idea of homosexuality. {and anyway, even if it was beyond his original intent, the god i believe in wouldn't send someone to hell for being attracted to his own sex}
there's an away message i can't stop checking tonight. i don't know how i fall into these fascinations with other people, usually on the goddamn myspace... there's this girl who lives in winston. i've never met her, i think she goes to some tech school. i think i became her "friend" because i liked her name. it's still a very pretty name. i think i told her so and we sent a couple messages back and forth around the beginning of freshman year and i got her screenname. we may or may not have spoken, i can't remember. regardless, it's the first one under the 'wake' section of my buddy list. i never really thought much of her but lately she's been online more and i remembered she lived in town and took another look around her little site. i guess her pics grew on me because everything's so much cuter now. sort of reminiscent of maggie gyllenhaal in 'stranger than fiction' but not in the way you'd imagine. i can't really explain it. just for a little while now, i can't really stop nosing around. i guess i'm just creepy like that. maybe if i actually ever met new people and wasn't such a social giraffe, i'd keep from running into these problems ;)
i think maybe i just need to go to another country and stay a while. i think i'd be better off with a girl who didn't speak english. i can't decide if that would be wonderful or not, having someone you didn't really have to talk to. maybe communication would be that much easier, not having to use words. i always love the sound of another language, though. i wonder if i could go abroad in the spring of next year. that would be an entire year without most people i know at school. maybe that's the best thing.
posted by sunshine at 10:46 PM
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