early
it's barely 11:20 and i can hardly keep my eyes open. it's gonna be nice to be asleep by midnight or a little after. i'm blowing off a lot but who cares. the semester is ending. i couldn't care. i wouldn't if i could.
i have been working straight through this semester. i'm not sure where it went. never really stopped to take a breath. all of a sudden it's two weeks until i'm moving out again and will be fully halfway done with my time here. that's kind of depressing. even if i move on and go to carolina a couple years... i'm not sure how that will work out. i'll just be a 6th year senior or something like that. and most of the people i see a good bit of are leaving to go overseas. this is good and bad, naturally, but i'm a bit jealous to hear them talk about europe and going together. if they're gonna all go, they can at least go alone...
it's surprising to me how slowly consciousness bubbles to the surface sometimes. the girl i wrote about a while back - maybe a month or two ago - in the coffee shop, the one from my film class. she lives in my dorm. never saw her here until a week or so ago. you know she's lived here the entire semester... somehow i never knew it. i was playing rook in the lounge last night and she came down the stairs and walked out. (wow, colbert just referenced "stephanie colburtle the turtle." eerie...) having never spoken to each other, she saw me and i, having glanced up to see who it was, saw her and looked back down. she walked on past me and left. the one thing that struck me though was that in that half-instant that i looked at her face, her expression never changed. she saw us playing cards and walked on out. this is so difficult to describe. it wasn't that she was angry, but there was no softness in her face. it felt like a judgment. i could feel it, just from that tiny look. you're sitting in the lounge playing rook with these other people. judging my friends too. i sort of wish she'd never seen me there, but i don't really know why. later, when i had switched chairs, she walked back in the door. we repeated our little dance. why haven't i ever noticed her here before?
today, after citizen kane, i wandered out and up the quad, walking like i was cool or something, and went to the post office. i thought, walking in, that i saw her behind me. after i'd looked in my box (nothing!), i waited, not wanting to walk out and pass her. i don't even think i ever saw her. i pulled my phone out and flipped through text messages like someone loved me. she walked in and past me to her box. i know by the jeans and the t-shirt. i walked on out, put my phone back in my pocket, and shuffled towards huff. i thought to myself... jesus god, i'm creepy. why do i do the things i do? stand there pretending to be doing something just so i wouldn't have to consciously walk past some random girl in the post office. so dumb. but, you know, for a second there, i didn't even care. i limboed a wispy tree branch and looked up at the sky. i'm a ridiculous and awkward individual, painfully so. and i'm alone and the semester's almost over and i'm not gonna worry about it. oh, and i love the way i walk when i feel like she's around. just like i don't have a care in the world. confidently, purposefully. pretty much like i want her to feel like i don't need to even know her at all. but i'm still walking alone, and so is she. she does the same thing and it's so attractive to me. never hanging around in a pack of girls or hanging on any guys. just her. that's all she needs. i swear sometimes i catch a look of loneliness, though. i just wonder how two people who don't need each other ever actually... speak to each other. it's an ineffective and illogical plan but a comfortable one.
when i got to my room, i put down my shit and pulled out a plastic bottle i meant to recycle. the middle pane of glass on our lounge door is the only transparent one. i saw her walk through the lounge and i happened to walk in the second she walked out. i don't think she even saw me. but all of a sudden, she's everywhere. that's how consciousness works, though... the more i see her, the less i see em. ah, to be rid of these shifting allegiances. <-- i don't know what that meant, it just felt right.
you know who i'm closest to? nobody. i thought i'd write down a name but it would probably be a lie. i'm close to nobody. i have nobody. wow, i just realized that. it happens every now and then. if i had written a name...
you don't love me at all
but don't think that it bothers me at all
you're a bad-hearted boy trap, baby doll
but you're
you're so damn hot
oh
i have been working straight through this semester. i'm not sure where it went. never really stopped to take a breath. all of a sudden it's two weeks until i'm moving out again and will be fully halfway done with my time here. that's kind of depressing. even if i move on and go to carolina a couple years... i'm not sure how that will work out. i'll just be a 6th year senior or something like that. and most of the people i see a good bit of are leaving to go overseas. this is good and bad, naturally, but i'm a bit jealous to hear them talk about europe and going together. if they're gonna all go, they can at least go alone...
it's surprising to me how slowly consciousness bubbles to the surface sometimes. the girl i wrote about a while back - maybe a month or two ago - in the coffee shop, the one from my film class. she lives in my dorm. never saw her here until a week or so ago. you know she's lived here the entire semester... somehow i never knew it. i was playing rook in the lounge last night and she came down the stairs and walked out. (wow, colbert just referenced "stephanie colburtle the turtle." eerie...) having never spoken to each other, she saw me and i, having glanced up to see who it was, saw her and looked back down. she walked on past me and left. the one thing that struck me though was that in that half-instant that i looked at her face, her expression never changed. she saw us playing cards and walked on out. this is so difficult to describe. it wasn't that she was angry, but there was no softness in her face. it felt like a judgment. i could feel it, just from that tiny look. you're sitting in the lounge playing rook with these other people. judging my friends too. i sort of wish she'd never seen me there, but i don't really know why. later, when i had switched chairs, she walked back in the door. we repeated our little dance. why haven't i ever noticed her here before?
today, after citizen kane, i wandered out and up the quad, walking like i was cool or something, and went to the post office. i thought, walking in, that i saw her behind me. after i'd looked in my box (nothing!), i waited, not wanting to walk out and pass her. i don't even think i ever saw her. i pulled my phone out and flipped through text messages like someone loved me. she walked in and past me to her box. i know by the jeans and the t-shirt. i walked on out, put my phone back in my pocket, and shuffled towards huff. i thought to myself... jesus god, i'm creepy. why do i do the things i do? stand there pretending to be doing something just so i wouldn't have to consciously walk past some random girl in the post office. so dumb. but, you know, for a second there, i didn't even care. i limboed a wispy tree branch and looked up at the sky. i'm a ridiculous and awkward individual, painfully so. and i'm alone and the semester's almost over and i'm not gonna worry about it. oh, and i love the way i walk when i feel like she's around. just like i don't have a care in the world. confidently, purposefully. pretty much like i want her to feel like i don't need to even know her at all. but i'm still walking alone, and so is she. she does the same thing and it's so attractive to me. never hanging around in a pack of girls or hanging on any guys. just her. that's all she needs. i swear sometimes i catch a look of loneliness, though. i just wonder how two people who don't need each other ever actually... speak to each other. it's an ineffective and illogical plan but a comfortable one.
when i got to my room, i put down my shit and pulled out a plastic bottle i meant to recycle. the middle pane of glass on our lounge door is the only transparent one. i saw her walk through the lounge and i happened to walk in the second she walked out. i don't think she even saw me. but all of a sudden, she's everywhere. that's how consciousness works, though... the more i see her, the less i see em. ah, to be rid of these shifting allegiances. <-- i don't know what that meant, it just felt right.
you know who i'm closest to? nobody. i thought i'd write down a name but it would probably be a lie. i'm close to nobody. i have nobody. wow, i just realized that. it happens every now and then. if i had written a name...
you don't love me at all
but don't think that it bothers me at all
you're a bad-hearted boy trap, baby doll
but you're
you're so damn hot
oh
posted by sunshine at 11:22 PM
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