how strange... how very strange. its been over a week. and it is september (much better than august, i know) and things are happening and only a limited amount of it is good. writing about meaningless things (like how my hair is in my eyes or that our game today was canceled or just why september is better than august...) just isnt the right thing to do. i wouldnt be doing the right thing.

i was in a bad mood just about all of today... why? jesus, its hard to explain. lonliness maybe. yall should be used to all this by now. umm lonliness because of loss? no... i never lost anything. nothing physical anyway. maybe something emotional, some piece of the puzzle i always thought i could paint the picture around. i knew this was coming i just didnt do anything to stop it. figure there isnt any way... why worry? no because i knew whats happening would happen and i knew it would hurt but i always counted on precisely that as my way out anyway. why do i do this? whenever i got really pissed off because of something you did i would tell you to just stop loving me and... date somebody else. so i thought, hell, if she is dating someone else i would have to hate her and it would hurt like fucking mother of god but i would eventually get over it. well now the prospect is a little too much to handle. see because now that i am out of it... i dont know whether being out of it is what i ever wanted anyway. but to be in it would require us both to be in it which is difficult when you are in it yourself. maybe i dont want to be over you anymore. so why take away my options like that? regardless, more than anything else ive always wanted to be yours more than for you to be mine. you know that. its tough. its tough when theres a third party. jesus, why do i do this to myself?

and aside from alllll that theres you. no, i am not confused. different you. i dont even think this one reads whatever im saying. you were always the kid i thought i could fall back on. you were my best friend for a little while. there was a time when you enjoyed being with me as much as i did with you. can you imagine that? really try. it hasnt been like that in a long time. i love you. i hope you know that. well... or loved. i dont really know. your emotical value tends to waver much like the kid in the paragraph above. you possess such power over me. when you act like you care its like i am special all of a sudden. but then most of the time you dont and it hurts. i hope you know that. you hurt me all the time. if you remember correctly it was a year ago this month when this all started. i think before that you were my best friend. but then things got interesting. and i always thought that would be a good thing, that somehow things would be of my own benefit? what? how could that be? at the same time you were involved. involved? how could i do that while you were involved? eh, so was i. no worries.

but now... you are still involved and i am... not. here lies the truely meaningful part. i wanted you. when i somehow left her... i wanted you. now this is complicated because i was - am - not over her. but still theres you. hah and i even see you every day. but you have him. and - ah - dont have time for me. i dont think we have spent time together since... a month. at least a month and that doesnt even count because of her! so dont you see that im frustrated? i am so down because of you. now when i have nobody i need you to be my somebody... at least help me through. at least spend a little time with me. you just dont care. i want you to care but you dont. fucking hell, why cant you anymore? are you that far gone? ive always loved you for who i imagined you to be or who i wanted you to be... i hate that. maybe its supposed to be that way. you keep disappointing me, kid. why all this? why do i get the feeling that what you have is not close to being over? that you are still so much closer to him than you will ever be with me? and is this not further proof? im sorry for being mean. i didnt mean to come off that way. its not like i have a personal vendetta against it. its just not you to me. i want you to be that girl i thought i knew a year ago and i want you to care about me and i want to be happy that way. not with this. not with who you are being. the worst of it is that i cant see you snapping out of it. you arent one to realize you are mistreating me and just go do something about that. why have you always floated above that... and why is it me always doing the talking?