times are strange in my life at the moment, as it seems ive developed some psychological issues. what i wrote back on... april 28... yeah that still applies. except it is worse these days. and it makes me sick in the head. i was driving home yesterday afternoon alone listening to music, the same route i always take and came up on this big highway intersection... like always... and the whole scene brought on one of those damn things and i got so sick i almost vomited... right there driving down the road. strange eh?

last night was athletic awards night at the school, or, at peace. mens soccer was near the beginning, being a fall sport and all, and coach mess did a good job speaking, etc and i stood up and all and that was all very cool. jones pissed me off when she gave her little speech about how swimming did this stuff in states and track qualified someone for states, and the basketball and volleyball and all this crazy shit and finally how women's soccer was still in the state tournament and was the first team ever (charter i guess) to make it out the first round game and all that bullshit. well thats wonderful, i have lots of friends on that team but in reality, the mens team - the one i started on - the one that finished the year with 1 loss in 11 games and a 9 game winning streak - was never even registered for states. and our jerseys are old. its bullshit - we havent even gotten registered for a damn tournament since freshman year. and we were so good this year... we would have been the first charter school to make it out of a first round game, i dare say we would have won it all... for the 1A/2A tourney anyway. not terrible for a school of 500 kids.

i was fine. all was alright mostly. during the women's basketball thing i looked at the stage... and the people... and the entire room as a whole for the first time. as a room... and people... and a stage and it was so overwhelming and terrible and brought on such an emotional draw that i almost blacked out. i dont want it to sound so bad but im sure the two were related. my brain got tight, pressure built up in my head, my vision turned red and slowly went black, all i could hear was a loud ringing. its frightening when you are in a very public place, right in the middle of all kinds of people, and you cant hear or see anything. i told myself very strongly to 'pull through' or just 'stay awake' but thinking back it was all just a voice in my head. eventually, sweating, i could feel again, i shook the vision back, and when there was a pause, i stepped into the bathroom for a minute, then got some water, then took a circuit around the courtyard at peace before catching the last minute of the crew thing. im not so sad i missed that. but i am getting sick of these issues in my head. i really just want to talk to someone. some professional. about all the things i cant post here.

but today is a different day and very strange at that. there is a certain finality about it, not just because its a friday (and the last friday of the school year, of my high school everness) but just because things are so different. i dont think it was because i was driving my mothers car or because it was raining but on the way to school, even though i was driving the same route i always have, everything seemed new to me. everything felt like i was seeing it for the first time or like i was just noticing it all. it was insane and crazy and i had to think about how to get where i was going. at school everyone was signing yearbooks and it was 'senior skip day' so everyone was sort of coming and going. apathy at its best. all the yearbooks though, im not ready for this. signing them is such a hassle, i want to think too much. everything takes too much effort. ive had this incredible mental energy all day and i cant tell whether its a leftover of all this mental instability ive been dealing with lately or stress or because i havent had anything to eat all day except a boost at 8:15 this morning and water. this crazy mental energy that has kept me alive and to tell the truth, i feel fine. i dont even want to eat, though i might in a while because im bored. everything just seems different and i cant put my finger on why. so as i sit here sipping on my mother's tea i found on the deck, wishing i was with my family somewhere, this afternoon is just weird. i walked outside instead of having a snack. sat with the cat on the lawn. got gas in my mothers jeep. sat on the front steps while my dad drove up. stood in the doorway to watch them all leave again and stepped behind a transparent drapery to blow them a kiss.

maybe its all the stress lately, school ending, exams, knowing how much i hate everything changing but still looking forward to everything to come, the picnic, graduation, and whoever shows up at that... i just cant deal with that. at all. not at all. i havent eaten all day and i love this energy. im just... jittery. i want to learn piano. i want to be able to sing. play slide guitar. blues, everything. i want to be able to buy my own car.

i think i would be ok if i was still in love.