dogcatchers

its been too long, im sorry.

theres really no excuse, unless you count that ive been busy or... unavailible or... too damn out of it to write. theres been a lot on my mind but nothing really to say. just business. i graduated. this is a big deal right? i get through the days convincing myself that it is something that most everyone does eventually and that its well, just something else. people give me gifts and send cards and are, as a whole, far too generous for my tastes. i dont feel like i deserve any of it. to people, my parents explain, its an opportunity to express their love for you. dont know what ive done to deserve that. maybe to them its another milestone and in their eyes i am becoming a man. since im not jewish anyway. its still hard to accept. some things amaze me. i only hope i am as much a blessing on them as they are on me.

and people. there is always some drama between me and someone else, a girl usually, whether they know it or not. to whom it may concern, and you know who you are - why do you have to be that way? i fall for you over and over again and you manage to fuck it up. usually i will end up hating you for a while and eventually get over it, start the cycle all over again. im sick of it. im sick of you. so damn materialistic, never satisfied. cant you just be happy?

far as i can tell theres two resolutions here. you move away and we talk every now and then, less and less as the months pass, as we realize we arent going to hang out anymore. we fall into being friendly to each other simply because neither of us cares enough to be mean. or, we lose it all together. im dropping all expectations here and now. whatever the future holds, my dear, is up to you.

i havent read any of the entries in my yearbook yet. i figured this year, for some reason, i would wait till everyone was done, or till the summer... i would sit down late at night under a single light, all comfortable and such, and read them all at once. not everybody's done i guess, but the time seems to be here. i just cant force myself to do it. my summer's in limbo until i crack that spine. maybe i postpone it a little longer. but then wouldnt it just be more difficult? it has to come out eventually. maybe even that page i promised to the girl above. what i had figured out to be a short novel, condensed into a sentence or two, and now... how can you be cruel in a yearbook? im not that much of a bastard. i need some more time on this.

dogcatchers...

whatever happened to dogcatchers? back when i was young, dogcatchers were a main badguy in stories for children primarily because those stories featured dogs. well, thats a given. animals are so much more pure, starkly moral even though it would be hard to define a dog's set of values. dogs dont start wars, maybe, dogs dont kill people. dogs eat smaller animals but that never makes it into the stories.

the dogcatchers were always the badguys, the ones to snatch up the hero dogs when they were out in the street. the dogcatchers were always greasy, stumpy, fat guys. they were bad because they couldnt get by any other way. actually, sometimes it was the short, fat guy and the tall, thin guy with the mustache working in tandem. for some reason the dogcatcher fell out of my conscience for a number of years. i cant remember consciously thinking that concept last year, or the year before, or whatever. it was brought back today.

dogcatchers arent bad people.