its good
driving at night is one of the most beautiful things i can think of. i imagine myself driving in a picture when the negative is driving at night. the beauty isnt obvious, its ambiant. everything that matters is lit up some way, nothing exists outside of that long highway and the lights from the dash. especially with the ebbing and flowing breakdowns of coldplay from the speakers. the world, so busy in the harsh light, sleeps. light crowds the scene, forcing objects to be real, forcing the peripheral. at night its much less... and so much more.
i was taking a curve back in between civilizations when something fell and hit my arm, just glancing and soft, so it felt like a cool, rough hand grabbing my arm from the backseat. i am glad im not angela or i might have gone off the road and died. i didnt freak out, simply kept driving. its part of being only moderately freakable and relatively stable. it was only the garage door opener falling from its precarious spot on my grandmother's sunvisor. i dug around between the seat and the center console and dropped it in the passenger seat.
it reminded me of sitting around telling true north carolina ghost stories. and true california ghost stories. and true south pacific weird stories. and fake ohio ghost stories. and fake north dakota ghost stories. and my true world civ room ghost/fairy story. and also my true virginia ghost story that never got told. it was pretty rough anyway.
and i appreciate b&b. and how we were undefeated even with the gods and ohhhhh singing girls against us. even against other men. i had a wonderful night. special people can do that...
on a more personal note, i regret the decline of friendships. i regret that after years of so much emotion, good and bad, that the friendship i had considered a relief has become a disappointment. maybe i had my expectations too high. i couldnt drop them that low, though. because you were never normal. love grew from something of a perfect friendship to begin with. i wanted that back. i hoped for something less. i got something sanitary and boring. every dynamic, moving, wonderful friendship has emotion. it has love and hate. it has fire and rain, the troubles and the relief. and to ascend farther was amazing while it lasted. maybe it is just impossible to undo what was done.
even if love doesnt open new doors, it shouldnt lock old ones.
what im trying to say it that this shouldnt have to be retroactive. i dont want it to be. i think we are just burnt out. and that maybe someday we will find what we lost and fix this. until then i will live with the dead conversations. the 'how are you tonight' forced words. the flatness that comes from two people who know their duty is to be a friend but their heart isnt in it. lets fix this.
oh to be in the other hand. dueling situations that should rightfully be opposite. and you... coming at me out of almost nowhere. charging to the forefront with your apologetic and loving talk. my defenses fail. it is one thing i can count on, that any facade i truly believe in will crumble with a few choice words. its too bad, always has been, that you and i will never be together. this is something i still believe. because i cant break up relationships. maybe its because i would hate it if someone tried it on me. at least there is emotion. there are butterflies and love, hate and annoyance. sometimes you make me sick. sometimes i want to cuddle up in your bed and take in the simple concept that it could happen. but it wont. we will hold hands in the future but never more.
you will always be the one that at the drop of a word, brings on a realization. one of false hope and almost loss. a feeling of dropping back to reality. that pain is what heartache must be like. it is hopeless and nihilistic. its a pain that few have ever had the power to give me. so sickening. starts in the base of the throat and sweeps down behind the ribs and through the stomach into the gut, a crimson wave. its always a crimson wave when i think of it.
just know that even though i love you
i was taking a curve back in between civilizations when something fell and hit my arm, just glancing and soft, so it felt like a cool, rough hand grabbing my arm from the backseat. i am glad im not angela or i might have gone off the road and died. i didnt freak out, simply kept driving. its part of being only moderately freakable and relatively stable. it was only the garage door opener falling from its precarious spot on my grandmother's sunvisor. i dug around between the seat and the center console and dropped it in the passenger seat.
it reminded me of sitting around telling true north carolina ghost stories. and true california ghost stories. and true south pacific weird stories. and fake ohio ghost stories. and fake north dakota ghost stories. and my true world civ room ghost/fairy story. and also my true virginia ghost story that never got told. it was pretty rough anyway.
and i appreciate b&b. and how we were undefeated even with the gods and ohhhhh singing girls against us. even against other men. i had a wonderful night. special people can do that...
on a more personal note, i regret the decline of friendships. i regret that after years of so much emotion, good and bad, that the friendship i had considered a relief has become a disappointment. maybe i had my expectations too high. i couldnt drop them that low, though. because you were never normal. love grew from something of a perfect friendship to begin with. i wanted that back. i hoped for something less. i got something sanitary and boring. every dynamic, moving, wonderful friendship has emotion. it has love and hate. it has fire and rain, the troubles and the relief. and to ascend farther was amazing while it lasted. maybe it is just impossible to undo what was done.
even if love doesnt open new doors, it shouldnt lock old ones.
what im trying to say it that this shouldnt have to be retroactive. i dont want it to be. i think we are just burnt out. and that maybe someday we will find what we lost and fix this. until then i will live with the dead conversations. the 'how are you tonight' forced words. the flatness that comes from two people who know their duty is to be a friend but their heart isnt in it. lets fix this.
oh to be in the other hand. dueling situations that should rightfully be opposite. and you... coming at me out of almost nowhere. charging to the forefront with your apologetic and loving talk. my defenses fail. it is one thing i can count on, that any facade i truly believe in will crumble with a few choice words. its too bad, always has been, that you and i will never be together. this is something i still believe. because i cant break up relationships. maybe its because i would hate it if someone tried it on me. at least there is emotion. there are butterflies and love, hate and annoyance. sometimes you make me sick. sometimes i want to cuddle up in your bed and take in the simple concept that it could happen. but it wont. we will hold hands in the future but never more.
you will always be the one that at the drop of a word, brings on a realization. one of false hope and almost loss. a feeling of dropping back to reality. that pain is what heartache must be like. it is hopeless and nihilistic. its a pain that few have ever had the power to give me. so sickening. starts in the base of the throat and sweeps down behind the ribs and through the stomach into the gut, a crimson wave. its always a crimson wave when i think of it.
just know that even though i love you
posted by sunshine at 11:43 PM
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