last night... feels like a dream. not just for the dream, it feels milky and dark. swirls inside me, isnt clear. i remember being angry at myself, angry that my plans wont ever work out, angry that we are apart. i remember that rachel talked me down and made it better. and i remember going to bed with a physical and psychological sickness that made me want to die.

dreams are terrible things. when you dont know where you are. lifelong friends' bathrooms become killing grounds, people are suspicious. i remember my father put my mother and i in a car and started to drive us down the street. he was angry and cold. he was going to kill us. i figured out as he was shoving me in that it was because i was a clone of a real person. i remember an all-encompasing, ultimate sadness. not fear, but a weeping, wailing sadness. a pain that is brought to the middle of your head from crying. crying not because i was going to die or that they didnt love me but because i wasnt a real person, just a copy of a person. i had died so they didnt need me anymore. and when my father turned the car around at the end of the street and came home, i realized it was all just a joke. i thought i should be angry about it but i wasnt. instead, filled with a genuine happiness that i was, in fact, real.

i woke up this morning with a terrible pain in my head and neck. no comfortable place to be. no right combination of positions... i wandered down here and ate some breakfast in a fog, got dressed in old clothes and mowed the grass. looking back, as it is all done now, it feels like i never did it. simply a fog... floated over the lawn in no time at all, maybe three songs played, thats all. did that, pushmowed all everything and was done, sweaty and tired. but i never did it because it felt like a dream. still, it is done.

and i sat outside with a pepsi and read to myself and it was just a monologue in my head. i dont remember the pages turning.