fuck you big river

yesterday i got so old it made me want to cry

what have i done with my life? i dont mean for this to be some fucked up emotional whiny post. i have been thinking lately about my past and present and future and all i regret and what all will come to be. i cant complain, im not that horrible of a person. i have a great life. luck had it i was born not into ethiopian, iraqi, or honduran families. i have the amazing fortune of being a middle class white guy with food on the table, my own car, a spot at a wonderful university, and free will.

that should be enough.

what i am concerned with is what im doing with what ive been blessed with. i have no idea what im capable of. there arent any obstacles but fear. the plan as of yesterday was do finish undergrad school at wake forest and go into their med school. come out and be an anesthesiologist or something. make two-hundred thousand a year and relax. the problem is that nobody will know my name. i want to be into something too big to see. to big to be. when they scatter my ashes i want to be remembered for more than a life of leisure. more than for a cushy job and a great car collection. i want to fucking do something.

i thought earlier of maybe joining the peace corps after undergrad school. but that was just a thought and i dont know if i can actually grow dreadlocks and do it. i thought today how amazing it would be to move into a small apartment in NYC and try and go to NYU's med school. living in the city... wow. a friend of mine seems to think i would get 'raped or something'. apparently they dont take kindly to old southern boys down there. we will see.

i regret sometimes that our world is changing so quickly to a more digital based society. i use the word 'romantic' to describe what i think of as a wonderful classic life. one that is human based. tube-driven guitar amps are romantic. not that modeling shit. gasoline powered big-block muscle cars are romantic. not that hydrogen/electric shit. there is still something to be said for craftsmanship. none of this robot driven shit. i saw 'i, robot' tonight and i have to say that it scares the hell out of me. thats not the world i want to live in. i want to live in the world we have now, hell, our world circa1969. delete the wars and shit. you know, the tech advances without the loss of romanticism. and i dont mean that... fuck it.

i regret that i wasnt around for the more romantic historical things... that happened. now, taking nothing away from the shit at hand, the war in iraq isnt a romantic war. not to me. i wish i were one of 'the greatest generation'. i want to volunteer for service and be sent into europe for world war one or two. i want to be in some of the most intense shit known to mankind. i want to be scared as hell. people will remember me because i saved a couple of my buddies and got shot in the shoulder. came out of the war as one of those guys who werent afraid to give more than they were. one of those that were involved in something bigger than them. i want to have a purple heart, a scar, and full use of all my limbs and brain. i want people to be proud of who i was and am. be proficient with a gun. a police officer... it doesnt fit in with my plan. do everything. just do something. make music. i want to start a band and play piano and acoustic and electric guitar and bass. and banjo.

what is fucking holding me back? i am learning the piano and can play the guitar pretty well. i figure the bass wouldnt be that tough. i can still live in the city and go to europe. i will study abroad there in a couple semesters. i can join greenpeace and protest shit. but does that really help anybody like the peace corps or some other adventure would? that husband guy from will and grace? doctors across borders or something. maybe i will be the medically trained regular guy who steps into the train in an emergency and saves a woman or man or two.

really i want to fall in love. i expect that to happen along the way. i want to share and apartment with my best friend in NYC. whats the worst to be afraid of? doesnt heaven await us all? like i could know that for sure. i wish i did. maybe i will join the clergy someday. whats a more noble profession than the service of god? im sure all those guys are sure what they believe in. it would feel like cheating and leading others astray if you werent sure. i hope they are right.

someday when i have a little money or time i am going to buy a piece of shit car and drop a big block (not blown or injected or any of that shit) in along with traction bars, a beefed tranny, and street slicks. i will hang out with all the hotrodmag guys on drag week and just run with them and play my guitar for them. 'she aint revved till the rods are thrown' and all that shit. my favorite line from a song ever.

ok, back to reality. what about now. i have a summer left to make money working for my grandparents, maybe buy a guitar, download bootleg concerts ive been to and burn cds of them. somewhere along there finish a book i have to read and seventy magazines. i can learn to play the guitar better. learn to sing better while doing it. learn to play the piano better. prepare for college... college. do well. study abroad. a couple times. play lots of intramural sports. be in a musical group or two. get involved and start all of the doing of things. yes. and after that it all goes to hell. maybe i should just run for president and hope some supreme court justices decide to resign during my tenure so i can appoint new ones. change the world.... somehow.

"The things you never did,
Cause you might die trying;
You'd be as good as dead.
You never did."